Don't want to cosleep - help!

[welshweasel]

I need help.

DS is 10 months old. Sleep is really important to us (I went back to work at 4 months to a job where being tired could kill someone) so it's something we've always worked hard on from very early on.

Until recently DS was sleeping well, with usual rough patches due to illness/teeth. Bedtime routine starting at 6pm, left in cot with dummy and muslin by 6.30pm, asleep within 15 mins. Occasional night wake ups but often self settled or if not would be straight back to sleep with reinsertion of dummy. Awake for the day between 6.30 and 7am. All good.

For the past couple of weeks he's been waking multiple times a night very upset (rather than just whingy) and takes ages to calm down. Have been fairly strict about staying in cot so sit and rub back til he falls asleep again. Things got better for a couple of night and thought we'd cracked it. The past two nights have been terrible. He wakes up, then stands in his cot and flings himself backwards, hitting his head and obviously screaming. He does this multiple times. I try to lie him back down but he just rolls over and gets back up. Eventually have resorted to taking him into bed with me, where he goes straight to sleep and doesn't wake til my alarm goes off.

But I hate co sleeping. I barely sleep and my job means I'm sometimes on call overnight so having him in the same room as us, let alone the same bed, causes chaos.

I need some ideas. I have no idea how to tackle this. Happy for short term pain for long term gain and DH will be on board with any plans.

It would be a lot easier on you if you didn't need to get outour bed and walk to another room.

I would take the chest of drawers / dressing table / wardrobe out if of the bedroom and into the So are room to make room for the cot.

My youngest needed my presence to feel reassured to sleep until she was 12 months. I took one side off the cot and made a side-car space off the edge of the bed, rather than cosleeping.

*the So are room" = the spare room

For me I found at this stage the dummy became a hindrance with the constant searching for it though the night so threw it out and haven't looked back

We don't have much in our room other than our bed (we have a dressing room with built in wardrobes and cupboards etc off the bedroom). We could just about fit one of the smaller slimmer ikea cots in, and sidecar that, but can't get delivery until after xmas now. Maybe he will have sorted himself out by then (wishful thinking I suspect). He slept through one night last week and I thought we'd cracked it but apparently not. Tomorrow's my last theatre list before xmas so I'll hopefully be a bit less stressed about getting some sleep after that.

Just wondering what his daytime routine is like? Does he have a nap? Is he eating well? How much protein v carbs and when?

He's at Nursery full time so routine generally good and hasn't changed at all. Has 2 naps, one at 9 ish and one at 1230 ish. Usually about an hour each. Eats brilliantly, always has done. Has 3 7oz bottles (waking, 2pm and bedtime) and 3 meals (8am/11.30am/3.30pm) plus a snack (usually Greek yogurt/fruit/toast/cheese) at about 5pm when we get in from Nursery. The menus at nursery seem pretty balanced although obviously I'm not there to police it.

Ear infection? That's what it usually is if mine are waking repeatedly in the night and screaming. Might be worth taking him to the GP to check.

I had to put Ds in a travel cot around that age because he was flinging himself around the cot & hurting himself. I think it was night temors in retrospect bc he still has them occasionally. It didn't stop him waking though & im afraid the only thing that worked was a mattress on his floor at least i got some sleep

I guess it's tricky to know exactly how much he is eating and sleeping at nursery but I'd be tempted to look into that first.
IME with my three I did have to be making small adjustments to their daytime sleep and meal routines all the time especially in the first 18months.
If you are able to get the nursery to change things a little, I really think it
's worth a try.
My main objective food wise would be to move him away from milk during the day and onto more solids ( especially protein) with other drinks ( water/juice/ combination). In the morning I'd split his milk feed and offer him half before and the rest after he has had a solid breakfast.
I would cut the post lunchtime milk drink back to 4-5oz, and offer him more at bedtime.
Sleep wise, I'd try to cut back the morning sleep to maybe 1/2hr. If you think he needs to sleep longer at lunchtime I'd try to do that - but still would keep it to maybe 1.5 hrs.
In the evenings I'd try to start his bedtime routine as early as you can manage, if he is sleeping less in the day. If he is usually awake around 7am I'd definitely start to settle him by 6:15/30 with his final bottle of milk.
overtiredness can also cause nightwaking, so it's possible that, as he is now more active, his sleep pattern needs to accommodate that too.
Sorry that's a long post but I just really feel for you with all this sleep deprivation and a demanding job too! If you think I'm vaguel helpful I'd be happy to bounce more ideas around.

Thanks. I do worry about overtiredness as he seems to nap less than others his age. He never naps for more than 2 hours total during the day, it's usually half an hour in the morning and an hour after lunch. At the weekends I get to see what he eats and I'm always amazed. He can have a 7oz bottle followed by a weetabix, whole banana and half a slice of toast with cream cheese. Lunch and tea always two courses. I could happily stop his afternoon bottle as he's never that fussed and drinks plenty of water through the day anyway. I thought they were meant to have 600ml a day until one though, although I have no idea of the reasoning behind this! We do bath at 6 and he's always in bed by half 6 and self settles within a few minutes. He is very strong willed and if he doesn't want something he lets you know. I have never once managed to get more than 7oz milk down him at bedtime, he usually stops with about half and ounce to go and bats the bottle away. The few times we've persevered beyond that have all ended with a massive vom all over him, us and the bed! He hasn't been fed in the night since he was 10 weeks old and he'll happily wait until we are showered and dressed in the morning before his bottle so I don't think he's waking due to hunger. I could try giving him a more substantial meal when he gets home from Nursery I guess.

I don't believe your DS waking is anything to do with calorie intake.

It's entirely to do with needing extra reassurance and comfort right now. Maybe he's poorly, maybe he's just feeling extra tired, maybe he's teething, maybe bed feeling anxious. Maybe you'll never know Why, just accept it "is".

I think you'll only solve this when he finds a way to access that extra comfort (himself or from you) or until he no longer needs this extra comfort, just the normal amount he gets from dummy/comforter.

Fate, I agree with you. Is it possible to cosleep safely with 3 in a bed? I think it's the way to get the most sleep. I've always been really anxious about it as DS was prem (only 5 weeks) so we were told that we absolutely shouldn't do it. Obviously it's completely different now he's older and I'm happy sharing a double bed with him. Whilst we've got visitors would it be safe to have all 3 of us sharing? I like to have him on the outside but how do you stop them falling out?

Is it possible to cosleep safely with 3 in a bed?

Of course it is!

There is nothing anywhere in the guidelines that says you must evict DH. I think most don't in fact, just bring baby into the parental bed with both parents.

Not exactly in the same situation, but we have the fast-asleep-to-60-and-screaming-in-2-seconds. Like yours, our DD used to be a rubbish self-settler but now is much better (and it took longer to get her to do that, too).

We reckon she is just upset to be awake - rather like me before I've had my coffee and/or DH if he's had a bad dream (he shouts at me sometimes waking himself and me at the same time - I have been known to do the same).

We do find that she sometimes fights and fights us, and it's mainly if she's hungry - so she is more likely to be "just upset" or under the weather/teething, if it's, say, 12 or 3, and more likely to be starving hungry and not settleable if it's 5am.

We did have a transition point between not wanting morning milk particularly, until after dressing and breakfast, to really wanting it as soon as she woke up. So it might be worth trying milk if it's after, say, 5 or so?

So sometimes she needs reassurance and sometimes she wants her morning cup of milk. This morning was particularly bad and she and DS had been up till all hours playing silly beggars plus I realised she'd had a really early tea at the CM.

I like to have him on the outside but how do you stop them falling out?

As mentioned, I side-carred the cot so no chance of fallling out (plus DH and I still got all of the bed). Other things you could consider:

• buy a bed guard
• wedge the bed up against a wall (careful of that gap between mattress and wall)
• put baby in centre of bed on top of duvet
• buy a sleepyhead mattress and place in centre of bed
• a pool noodle (a type pf swimming aid) under the bottom sheet will produce a low barrier against rolling off the bed. Won't stop climbing over it though.

If it becomes an ongoing thing I'll look into getting a smaller cot I can sidecar or a sleepyhead (he loved his baby sleepyhead so I wonder if getting one for his cot might actually help and stop him throwing himself around so much) but will go for the middle of the bed over the duvet for now I think. We've got a radiator that stops us pushing the bed against the wall safely and I think he'd laugh in the face of a pool noodle!

Are you a medic OP? I went back when DD was 11m. She was a terrible sleeper between 8-10m, after being brilliant between 6-8 months. I nearly thought I'd have to delay my return to work as I couldn't trust myself to be safe.

We tried a bit of everything, and not much worked. Co-sleeping was pointless as she'd get so excited about being in our bed, she'd be awake and dicking around an hour or two later.

Anyway, come 12months, she flipped back to being a brilliant sleeper again. I'll never know why, or what we did. All I'm saying is hang in there, if hes slept well before, chances are he will again!

Yes I am. I went back at 4 months for a variety of reasons and it's been really hard but just about manageable because he sleeps!! Thankfully I've no on call for a while and have 2 weeks off over xmas so we will have a chance to regroup. He's such a happy contented baby and is generally a delight to parent so I think I've been a bit spoilt!

OP I'm really with you on not wanting to co-sleep, especially not if he is quite capable of settling by himself at the moment. To move to co-sleeping now will just mean, inevitably in the future, you will have to move away from it again surely?

Everyone's different of course but I was never able to get a proper night's sleep with my kids in our room/ bed.

It is hard to say definitively what the issue is but I think whatever you do end up trying, you need to be consistent. Any changes you make will take at least 3 nights, if not more to actually kick in properly, so don't despair if whatever you try doesn't seem to work immediately.

FWIW.
-I still think tweaking his milk/solids balance is worth a try.

-I also think that overtiredness may be playing a significant role. It's possible that he goes to sleep really very tired, straight into a very deep sleep and then wakes up, not able to resettle straight away.

If you are not concerned for his safety, and you know he is not ill or hungry, (and is warm enough) I would actually think you can try to leave him for a few minutes (sorry I can't tell at the moment whether you're leaving him at all). And for longer and longer intervals - so a bit of controlled crying. Again - realise this isn't everyone's thing, and also as I say it does need sticking with it for at least 3 nights.

In the end though they do grow up - as a pp said - hang in there! And really hope whatever you try works for you very quickly.

Sounds like separation anxiety if he goes straight to sleep as soon as he's in your bed. Classic age for it too.

Why do you barely sleep with him in your bed? I hate co sleeping because that's because my DC don't bloody sleep in my bed, they do gymnastics instead, but sounds like that's not your issue. So is it a space thing? Noisy breathing? Worry? I think your best bet is to solve that somehow - if it's space then evict DH/evict yourself and DH has DS, if it's noise then earplugs, if worry then stop worrying as it is totally safe

I'm not anti CC (in fact quite pro it in the right circs) but if it's a true separation anxiety thing then CC isn't going to help.

mini how is it separation anxiety if it doesn't help when OP sleeps in the same room as baby? (not being rude - definitely don't get how that works?).
My oldest dd also went through a long separation anxiety (7months- 2yrs, nearly) phase - awful time, so I know what it looks like a little bit and don't see how this can be that, therefore (...sorry not meaning to hijack)

Donna2tellaM0ss - the OP' s baby goes to sleep in parental bed. Its the OP who doesn't sleep well. Not the baby.

That's my understanding from reading the threathread anyway

Fate has it. He sleeps brilliantly, I don't (but am getting better). He wriggles and scratches me and then wakes up and tries to crawl off the bed. And it's not a long term solution as I'm not always at home and DH won't sleep with him. Anyway he settled himself to sleep in a couple of minutes this evening, has woken up once briefly but settled himself again so fingers crossed it won't be too bad a night. Aiming to settle him in the cot for as long as possible but not promising I won't end up with him in bed with me in the early hours!

If you can be strong put Him in cot and let him learn to put himself to sleep. Four nights usually of being hardened and letting them have their hissy fit with no attention at all. You have to be determined and weekends are best as you won't have work. Leave them in their cots until morning. If theybwakevlet them cry themselves back to sleep. It's horrid for three nights and then bliss. I was far too soft to do it with first two but then I tried it for next four. The last ones still sleep better than the first two.

Will DH not cosleep with him and you move to the spare bed so you get some sleep? And then maybe alternate nights? I agree with pps that this is probably just a sleep regression or developmental leap and you need to ride it out.

Lots of sympathy op. I can't sleep properly if dd is in the bed either.