I'm in desperate mummy mode....help!

[Smyla]

My little man is now 9months old and having tried controlled crying (short timed intervals, picking up, soothing ((he will stop crying almost immediately close his eyes)) and returning to the cot calm) for over 6weeks, the nightly battle hasn't let up. The first night took almost 45minutes until sleep prevailed and slowly shortened to 10-15minutes. Then it started to get worse again.

I just don't know what to do. He wakes in the middle of the night and I will start the process all over again but this can take upto an hour....whilst I sit in fear that my 5year old is going to wake and my next battle begins. My husband is away at sea and I'm doing this shit every night on my own. I'm exhausted and feel as though the sleep deprivation is affecting every other part of my life.

I know, that if I put him next to me in my bed, he would sleep... with maybe a wake around 2ish then fall back to sleep. It would be the easiest option but I'm scared to head down that route an then face this battle another 2months down the line.

So, I guess what I'm asking is....
•What do you think I'm doing wrong?
• What are the alternatives to controlled crying? (Ones that work)
• Have I done it for long enough or should I keep perseverring?
• Are there any top tips?
• Has anyone used a sleep trainer...if so, how long, what happened? Was it successful and what did it cost?

And please, only comment if you can offer support, I don't need bitching at for doing controlled crying (i.e. Don't kick a girl when she'a down)

Hmmm. To me it seems like a bit of a no brainer. You have a baby and a 5 year old, you are alone, you are struggling massively with sleep deprivation. You have an option (co sleeping) that you think would get you pretty much a full night's sleep. There would be no question for me!

At some point, when you are less tired (and maybe when your DH is back from sea) you can try to tackle it again. I don't really have any advice on the sleep training side of things, my DS1 slept horrendously till 16 months and then just sorted himself out. But I would really just be kind to yourself and do whatever it takes for you to get decent sleep right now.

Hi Smyla. At first glance it appears to me that you might be doing too much when you return to him after your timed intervals? Perhaps over-stimulating him? When I did CC (I used a sleep consultant) she told me to return to DD's room, comfort her by patting her and a quick cuddle, but no picking up or talking too much etc. Obviously if you want to co-sleep then by all means go for that, just sharing what I was told if you'd like to continue the sleep training.

If you're trying to do cc, you're doing too much. It is very much about listening to the cry and only going on after 5 minutes of solid crying. If they stop start you reset the timer.

If they have cried for 5 minutes you go in and say your phrase - sleep time now (whatever you choose), lay them down and leave. 1 minute max. You're not resettling but simply reminding them you're there.

Same at night. Only go in after 5 minutes of solid crying and repeat as above.

Thank you for responding. If I can tweak the controlled crying and make it work, I'm keen to carry on - a part of me almost feels as though if I give in now, I've put him through weeks of it for nothing.

Because he's crawling and pulling himself up, he's on the lowest setting in the cot. By patting and cuddling - how much contact were you having? I could lay him back down and pat but any more than that is really hard.

Would you recommend using a sleep trainer? My husband suggested it today as sobbed over FaceTime at him. Poor fella is feeling pretty useless from a far!

No advice about the cc and I can see why you don't want to stop now but co sleeping is an option. Alone with a baby and a 5 year old? That baby would be in my bed as I would want as much sleep as I could get. I co slept with DS1 and DS2 is all snuggled up next to me now.

If you're really committed to the controlled crying and the going in and resettling is going backwards then I'd just stop going back in. It sounds harsh but its usually a three or four night fix. This is desperate measures though and you might find it easier to cosleep until you've recovered a bit from the sleep deprivation.

From what I have read about cc (I have never done it) if it's going to work it should work fairly quickly. As in after a few days.

In your case (and mine!) I would be Co sleeping. Ds is now 15 months old and generally stays in his cot til around 3am then we Co sleep after that. I am just phasing this out as am pregnant again.

I got him in his cot by doing gradual withdrawal at bedtime, literally no tears.

Smyla I simply said 'I'm here but it's sleepy time now,' bent over to give her a kiss and put a hand on her chest but all done pretty quickly. Mind you she was higher up in the cot and wasn't yet standing so it was easier to accomplish! I did find a sleep consultant useful and would recommend Nicola Watson of Child Sleep Solutions.

Thankyou ladies and Tatlerer, I followed your advice, spent less time soothing, simply placed him down, tapped his bottom a couple of time and said, "Good Night Raffi, time to sleep." Increasing my return time by two minutes and restarting the clock if he paused for any length of time. It took 20minutes tonight!!!! My big girl had a story and mummy time too...I'm even about to sit down to a meal (that hasn't happened for a while!)

Thanks again, you are all Mumsnet at its best.

xxx

Smyla that's great news! Well done and enjoy your meal!

Quick update...

We achieved sleep in 15minutes and little Raffi just woke up at 6.15am this morning. I'm like a new person! Thanks again for all the advice, you've really made a difference.

Wowee! Go Raffi! So glad it's working!