FTM 2wk old baby will not settle at night, feel like I'm failing

[Cordypants27]

Being a FTM I don't know what I expected and I know every baby is different and that babies require care and attention frequently, I also thought (maybe foolishly) that newborn babies NEEDED sleep and were unable to go too long without.
My LO seems to be fighting sleep, constantly rooting and thrashing about and crying. After trying the usual of feeding (for the 100th time), changing, winding, cuddling, I am at a loss of what to do & it is already starting to make the relationship with my OH strained as we're snapping at each other because we're so tired and we don't know what to do.
Any tips for newborn sleeping (if there are any) as a lot of the advice already is for older babies.
Please help x

Use the vibrating bouncy chair for daytime sleep

Swaddle when I'm the cot/basket. Tightly around arms and shoulders

Dummy

Aim for around half an hour awake time from one nap to the next. Just enough time for a feed, nappy check and quick cuddle

Expect short daytime naps (20-40 mins). Make them frequent

I certainly wouldn't worry about stimulating a newborn. You'll know when they're bored! Other than that, their main awake time activity is feeding and pooing.

Really don't worry about introducing a dummy - they are such a great prop for soothing infants and getting them to sleep. It is worth persevering and trying a few different types. Nipple confusion (read preference) is really more of an issue with bottles and the baby preferring the easy feeding option of a bottle.

Bouncy chair is a great place for daytime naps. Feed, put them in there with a dummy and tuck them in with a blanket and then bounce to sleep. Watch that clock for when you should start resettling to sleep - you have to do it A LOT in the first few months until they cut down to a certain number of naps per day.

I think just being awake is more than enough stimulation for a 2 week old

I have a two week old as well OP and it's hard work and exhausting. He is my second and this time I'm much more relaxed because I know that I will sleep again one day!! Sometimes just accepting it is the best way. The more you do to try and make it better the more you'll probably stress because as someone up thread said sometimes things will work once and never again and that's really disheartening!

Anyway here are a few things that worked for me with my first and also seem to work a bit so far with ds:

A rolled up blanket in the Moses basket to go round his legs / feet so he feels more secure and snug.
I hold him for 20 to 30 minutes after a night feed which usually means when I do put him down he stays settled.
And for my sanity I either read mumsnet at night but when I feel myself nodding off I play a game on my phone as it keeps me awake and because I enjoy it it doesn't feel so bad when I get woken up (of course I do still have those moments when I just don't want to do another night feed and feel like crying but that's normal!!)

Don't forget your baby is tiny and this is all totally normal

Good luck and look after yourself

With the white noise it worked for us to have it really quite loud and then turn it down once she was asleep. Sometimes it work work almost like a switch, she'd go from all tired and screamy to asleep in a few seconds with some white noise. I have app on my phone which plays different white noise sounds, it had one called "conch shell" it's like the sea. Very soothing for everyone!

I think the turning point for me was accepting that it was going to be that way for a while, I felt so much better when I stopped stressing about it.

I basically told my husband that I was exhausted and emotional and therefore I'd probably be a bit of a bitch, cry a lot and generally be poor company.

My daughter would cluster feed for hours in the middle of the night. Sometimes I just watched films and enjoyed the cuddles. Other times I was so tired that I just cried. But those nights were over in a matter of weeks and now feel like a distant memory.

I found the first 3 months of motherhood quite hellish really, despite loving my daughter more than I could ever imagine and being thrilled to be a mum. I honestly wondered how I was going to keep going every day while so exhausted and feeling like crap. But it got better and still gets better by the day now.

I think I'm just echoing various posters upthread but things that I felt really helped:
Next to me crib
Sleepyhead inside said crib
You can download a free white noise app (called white noise) for iPhone/iPad. As others have said it needs to be surprisingly loud
I know it's hard after a CS but try to get out the house. I think you start to get a bit of cabin fever without it. Can your OH push the pram until you feel up to it?
If you've already started with a bottle, can you take a break and let DH Take over from say 8 til midnight and guarantee those hours of sleep. Then I used to watch Netflix or listen to radio 4 when awake and by the time the Today programme started at 6 I knew the rest of the world was joining me (and then handed baby back to my husband for a couple of hours).
Honestly, I know it's hard but everything changes so quickly. In a few weeks from now you'll look back and it will feel like a distant memory. You're doing a great job. Keep up the good work.

Get the tongue tie treated!!
truly. It will be contributing to a lot of these issues

If she's still rooting she's possibly still hungry? Ds used to feed for hours and hours at a time - he'd cluster feed in the evenings often from 5-11pm.
I did pretty much nothing but feed for weeks - learn to feed lying down then you can read a book or potter around in the web while you rest.

It's hard to say what works because I think every baby is different but changing my attitude definitely helped.

I noticed that everytime I particularly tried to settle her, it would take longer. When I thought about it, I realised I was probably rushing her, even just a tiny bit, because i wanted her to sleep. Which then upset her and resulted in her being overtired because she was crying instead of getting ready to sleep.

When I remember to accept that she will sleep when she needs to, she tends to sleep more. So, I let her feed for as long as she wants, I hold her for as long as it takes for her to fall asleep or to calm down, etc etc. (Some nights I forget and then realise I'm pushing my own sleep agenda in her and that's why she's crying and refusing to sleep).

As a PP said, at this age they do sometimes
Cluster feed. Their need to feed is not regular or scheduled when they are so young. I take the view that she is the only one who can tell if she's hungry- I can't override her hunger signs by thinking "she shouldn't be hungry" so I feed her when she roots or sucks her hands.

These things vary from baby to baby but work for mine (nearly 5 weeks old):

We do have a Sleepyhead in a crib which she likes because I think she likes being enclosed and cosy.
She will sleep in Moses basket only if she is swaddled.
She also likes to be warm.
She sleeps better st night if I've taken her outside in the day.
We keep day times bright and noisy, vs nights dim and quieter (but she likes a little background music or something to fall Asleep too)

Mine is just a couple of weeks older than yours. Some nights she wants lots
of sleep, other nights not so much.

It's normal and unfortunately I don't think there is a miracle solution! Best advice I got was that everything comes in phases so it will end before you know it. My little boy was the same, I remember the 3rd week being horrendous, then he smiled on the Friday and it reminded me what being mother was all about. Just get lots of help where you can so you don't completely crack up!

I do think that initially our baby was unsettled due to wind, not just burping but needing to go to toilet. I just spent a good time after feeding winding, changed milks and kept to a feeding schedule and it seemed to settle down. As a first time mum it was just all trial and error form me to see what my baby wanted and what was good for him.

In a few weeks ill bet you'll look back and think how long go it all seemed. I used to make an effort to think every day what did go well on that day which also helped me realise it wasn't all bad!

Thanks user1472028391, I know there is no fool proof solution & just knowing people have been/are going through the same is slightly comforting.

All the advice I am getting is great, nothing as of yet had worked for us but I am keeping positive (maybe won't be so positive at 3am) that we will find the solution for our LO.

First HV visit today & she seemed to think that there could be a possible lactose allergy due to very smelly wind after every feed & with BF it shouldn't be like that but she said unfortunately as LO is only 2 weeks we need to give it a bit longer to see if things continue to get worse, stay the same or improve, so wish us luck x

We have an appointment now for the tongue tie so hopefully that will help & I now have a loan electric breast pump which I am going to try (if LO ever settles) & then we can bottle feed breast milk. Hopefully these things will help with our desperate need for sleep

You're so not failing you're doing marvellous.
It's like this for everyone at the start especially if breastfeeding, a sling can be a life saver, also co sleeping really is not as scary as it sounds and those bedside cribs can be fantastic and start at £50 from ikea. Neither of my babies ever slept well in s Moses basket and wanted constant feeding and cuddling. You'll get through it. Eat lots of biscuits, watch Netflix in bed, let the baby sleep as close as you feel comfortable with and then get daddy to put the sling on to keep baby content while you have a long bath :) you can do this

Your HV is talking rubbish. Lactose intolerance is incredibly rare in babies and makes them pretty ill. If it's anything at all, it's much more likely to be a cows milk protein allergy but really, with a tongue tie, if the latch isn't great they get wind, so it's worth sorting if you can.

My three day old is current trumping the most offensive farts! Doesn't mean anything and I say this with a DS with allergies. Try not to stress to much about that.

The sleep thing is hugely tiring but normal for such a new baby. It will get better. Can you take it in shifts between you to ensure your both a bit less tired and snappy? Being strategic is often the best way to get through sleep dep IMO.

Yes my 6 month old has always had vile farts. No lactose intolerance!

Ds had awful farts, but his poos smelled like biscuits!

Hey! I have a 9 week old and we had similar issues... She had a TT, and was thrashing about at night which meant none of us got any sleep. She also had green frothy very very wet poops and farted a lot! She was tested for lactose intolerance (she poor do on the Drs couch thankfully!). We actually realised it was a milk imbalance as she was feeding for hours but only getting the for milk. So we got her TT sorted 😢 And her latch improved immediately! Her green poos went within 48 hours and she was much more settled.

We do co-sleep (with a sleepyhead) and I feed lying down at night when we both doze off (scary but using pillows and a bed guard has helped!). Cosleep King is great (we love it) but when she isn't in the sleepyhead I do worry.

Anyhow, she still wiggled a lot (but less than before) so we invested in a miracle blanket and have had between 6-8 hours every night ever since! I think the combination of things has aligned in our favour - but we do put her in sleepyhead once she is asleep!

It does get better - promise! Get the TT sorted (we also had to top up too as she put on little weight) it can make a difference with the amount you feed especially at night. If your in Hampshire I can recommend a very good consultant who will do the TT at home (also Google some of the issues that Ho along with TT as it might help!)

Good luck

Oh hun the first few weeks is the hardest. Everything you're experiencing is totally normal including the strain it's putting on your relationship. I breast fed exclusively for 2 weeks and combination fed until 9 weeks. My baby didn't really like to settle in her Moses and at about 5 weeks I got a Sleepyhead and never looked back. I put it in a crib next to me and it was perfect for those nights she really wouldn't settle and I would lift her into bed between hubby and I and she slept great. It's got sides so I always felt a lot safer with her in it. It was fab because when we were all ready for her to go in her own room (12 weeks) I put the sleepyhead in her cot and then removed it a few weeks later. if you have the to on at night in your bedroom it has to go... I discovered this at about a week. If you feel comfortable putting baby down to bed with the monitor on at about 7/8 then the sooner you can do that the better and you and OH can get an hour or two to yourselves. Just some ideas that worked for us.

How far away is the tongue tie appointment? It made a huge difference to my DD's feeding after having it snipped (although it took a few days). I was able to get the appointment brought forward by contacting the midwife directly and telling her that DD wasn't gaining weight.

So bit of an update.
Since I last posted we have actually had the TT done (they put us in as there was a cancellation - I advise anyone to email saying they are happy to accept any cancellations if waiting for this themselves).
It has made a difference with regards to my painful breasts (much more comfortable positioning) but we are still very much struggling with trapped wind. We are still using formula and breast milk as LO still doesn't seem fully satisfied when BF and when I have been expressing I don't really manage to express that much volume at all so I may have a supply issue. I am keeping on with the expressing and the formula (LO is now 3lb up from her birth weight which is great) so I think it's def the right choice to dual feed for us.
With regards to the settling/sleeping/wind etc not much has changed on that front yet. Have tried a few of the suggestions & will continue to work through them until something works.

Thanks very much for taking the time out to give me your advice & kind words x

Our first dc didn't sleep night or day and only a swing with white noise worked - was amazing. Seemed like he just cried constantly (poor feeder and low body weight but gradually improved). Our second child is 2.5 weeks old and we use the swing for a time in the evening when she starts to fuss and won't settle. Gives me an hour to have dinner then the fussing/crying starts again. Not as effective as it was with dc1 but something better than nothing. Got sympathy with you all....

No advice other than the volume of milk you express has no bearing whatsoever on your supply. I ebfd my ds and he put weight on just fine - but it would take all day to express 2oz... your lo may just not like the moses basket. My ds didn't. We still co sleep now most of the time and he's 1yo next week. Two weeks is so tiny and I know it's tough but your baby just wants to be with you for now. This shall pass. Keep telling yourself that. It's true x

Entirely normal I'm afraid. At two weeks we got through it by taking it in turns to do shifts holding DD whilst the other slept; putting her in her carry cot warmed by a hot water bottle; not pushing the moses basket. I won't lie, we had a year of very little sleep! But DD is 15 months now, and so much better.

It's amazing what you can get used to. I thought it would break me at the time, but it's made me stronger.

Oh and I tried EVERYTHING people suggested on here and in RL. Made no difference. Every baby is different and time is the only thing that will make a difference. Good luck and though because it is truly horrendous in those first few weeks.