Won't sleep much during the day (but will cry). Am I doing the right things?

[ChristmasPud]

My 4 week old DS sleeps o.k in his basket at night, but during the day I can't get hime to have naps. I put him down to sleep when he shows signs of tiredness but either a) I spend 45 mins shushing and soothing him for him to sleep for 10 - 15 mins and then wake up crying or b) He simply becomes hysterical.

Every morning I do try to get him to sleep but it ends up almost becoming a battle with both of us unhappy. I now try for 1/2 hour max and if it doesn't work put him in a sling (where he will mostly be calm or sleep) or just hold him and he sleeps on me.

Instead of an afternoon nap I take him out in the pram and he sleeps in there. He won't go to sleep in the evening either for the alleged neccesary 7pm bedtime. But when I do his 9:30 - 10pm feed when we currently go to bed too he generally settles fine and also does so after his night feeds (unless being upset by an explosive poo incident).

I know I am supposed to persevere with trying to get him to sleep - but often it ends up with us both in tears. And quite frankly when I had more strenght and tried to do this I worekd out that in one day I had spent 6-8 hours sitting quietly shushing and calming him in a darkened room. I may be being slefish but I don't call that a life. And it was making me angry and resentful, which isn't fair on him.
I'm tempted to give up trying to put him down for daytime naps and just go with carrying and pram techniques because it seems to make both of us happier. Or is this going to lead to the dreaded 'bad habits'? Has anyone done this and then found that their little one settles more anyway when they get a bit older? Or is there anything else I can try? - currently already swaddle, have a sheepskin and taking him for cranial sacral therapy. Not interested in controlled crying as this little one can and does cry for hours if necessary and I think he is too young.

Sorry this is my 1st message and is so long, but could really do with some reassurance that I'm not doing everything wrong.

It's so easy when you're a mum of a newborn to think you're doing everything "wrong". Are you trying to follow a book? Books can be helpful, but try to pick out what suits you.

do what make you feel happiest. this time, when he's so small and reliant on you, is so short and you need to enjoy it as much as you can.

ignore the people who say you are making a rod for your own back

Hi Margo,
I tried following the baby whisperer Eat Activity Sleep pattern, but being led by the little one. He just doesn't do the sleep bit very well. I'm not worried about him doingthings at a particular time - just that he gets enough sleep and isn't tired and miserable really.

4 weeks is still very tiny, don't worry about 'bad habits' . Your DS obviously has the hang of sleeping in his bed at night, which is great, but obviously wants to be close to you during the day. At this age my DS spent loads of time in the sling/in someones arms, often it was the only way to get him to sleep.

As he gets a bit bigger you can try putting him down to sleep on his own, but don't get stressed about it.

p.s. congratulations by the way

christmaspud,

i used the babywhisperer too, especially for my first. my dd2 is 8 weeks and tried to follow EASY but everything is in such chaos at the mo and she has such a forceful cry that i do try to tend to my baby's needs as and when.

keep going, he will settle down

I've got 3 DCs & IMO babies rarely sleep in their own beds during the day before about 3 months. They just want to be held so I'd recommend using a sling then you can get on with other stuff if you need too. Otherwise, just enjoy holding him. Once he's running about the place, you'll look back on this time with great fondness I've got a 10 week old and she nods off in her carseat, pram during the day but never in her own bed. Trying to follow a routine at this stage can drive you mad. Just enjoy your LO & the cuddles, you aren't doing anything wrong. The fact that he sleeps in his basket at night is brilliant - I usually had to hold mine.

I read an interesting book a couple of weeks ago that I'd recommend: Baby Bliss the 1st 3 months, sorry can't remember who it's by but you can just do a search on Amazon.

I second every thing castlesintheair says. Enjoy the closeness, it lasts such a short time, don't worry about problems that might amount to nothing and do what works for you. I bought every book and tried to follow every type of routine and it's only when I realised that none of them would work for me after, like you, spending hours trying to get her to sleep, that I relaxed and was able to enjoy my baby. My LO still doesn't really sleep during the day but she's happy. She doesn't sleep much at night either tbh but I'm fairly certain that's nothing to do with not establishing some regimented routine from the begining. Good luck

I'd say my dd was 4months before starting any kind of routine and it seemed easy then. If I'd tried earlier it would have been impossible. She's in a good routine now at 7months but not always because she has off days which has taught me to go with the flow rather than be too rigid. Is your ds seeing a cranial osteopath or just a cranio sacral therapist? Osteopaths usually know a lot more and may be able to tell if there's some physiological cause of discomfort when lying down. etc
It will all be a lot easier in a few months xx

I'd second those who say don't worry too much about it. Mu DD is 11 weeks now and wouldn't sleep in basket at all during the day but now does for one to two naps. Seem to have achieved this by watching very carefully for when she's sleepy, but not sure that I was doing anything 'wrong' at first. She doesn't sleep enough now, but hoping that'll improve. Also reckon it's best to try not to worry about doing things wrong as this time is so short and we just do our best! Hope you are enjoying him too...

Thank you all for your messages. It's good to feel that this is normal rather due to something I'm doing in the wrong way or the wrong order.

Manuka - he's seeing a therapist rather than osteopath. I did wonder whether there was a difference but had found this guy in my town which is conveniant at the moment as I can walk there. Also ment we could go and see him fairly soon. Will see how the little fella gets on after his next appointment and then possibly look for a cranial osteopath if he seems to need it and when I've done some research to find one.

Am enjoying him a bit more now than I was earlier in the week. I had convinced myself that I was making him unhappy and that if only I knew what I was doing then he would miraculously be so much more settled. Have also starting to do things to relax while he is asleep on me that help me stop overthinking so watch a film or read a book. Much nicer than spending hours tryign to make him do somwthing he clearly doesn't want or can't do...

christmaspud,

my DS is now 17 weeks, so I've been through it pretty recently. I also followed a routine more or less from birth, and think it has worked very well for him. With the naps, do you swaddle? That really seemed to soothe my DS. you could try lots of stimulation during playtime (as much as he's able), maybe give him a massage etc, then try and swaddle and put down for nap. If he won't nap in his 'night time' basket, try making him a kind of day nest which is a bit different but still a sleepy, calming area.

Does he nap at lunchtime?

other possible option is to take him out in sling or pram at the times he should be napping, e.g. at 9am. at that age my DS could not resist the power of the sling and could not help dropping off. That might get him napping at those times, then you could graduate to pram in the house, then carry cot, then basket etc..

hope it gets better soon!

Hi Gemmitygem,

I do swaddle, but I think it only calms him a little. I do try and stimulate him when he's alert and awake but it doesn;t take very long for him to get grizzley. Have tried doing some massage every morning after nappy change but again soemtimes he gets grizzley too quickly for this to really go anywhere. But I keep trying thinking that as he gets older he'll be alert for longer periods of time.

He does sometimes nap at lunchtime in the sling or out in the pram. Today he slept for 3 hours from 11am. If he does get to sleep he will sleep well - but will always wake if I put him down.

agree with everyone that it doesn't matter where they sleep at this age - mine wouldn't sleep in her basket during the day until about 14 weeks. i would use the pram - either on the move or in the kitchen where it was warm and quiet or would cuddle her - which i am really glad i did now as they were such precious times. she goes down quite well now for daytime naps most of the time and is still able to sleep in a variety of ways/places during the day. i think this is important as you are much more flexible and can get out and about. i have 1 friend who follows a certain book and she can't be out of the house at lunchtime as lo won't sleep anywhere other than cot and the whole routine falls to pieces. i don't think you really need to worry about routines yet unless they are working for you - if they don't then ditch them for a while.

Just for further reassurance my dd is now nearly 5 months and we haven't really cracked daytime naps.
She has had a few in her cot but really she sleeps in the pushcahir when we are out and about or on me during a bottle of milk.
She's our last so I sort of like her sleeping on me and as I've got ds to entertain anyway it's not like I can get anything done if she had 2 hours in her cot...

I totally agree with all of the threads and want to reassure you that you are doing absolutely nothing wrong. I tried and tried to get my dd to sleep in her moses basket for daytime naps when she was really little but to no avail and I had hours of crying (her and me!) thinking that I was doing everything wrong. I was trying to follow routines and kept referring to books for the answers rather than going with the flow. I think it just takes time to get to know your baby and to recognise signs of tiredness, hunger etc. I wish I'd known then what I know now... It seems to me that the routines and schedules that you read in books are more suited to older babies as my dd (now 15 wks ish) is now falling into the Easy routine naturally . she is sleeps in her cot for most day time naps with the added bonus of sleeping anywhere if we're out for the day. Of course this is never guaranteed and we have plenty of off days

I remember spending a large part of the first three months trapped under the baby as she was either feeding or sleeping. But it was a lovely precious time that I now miss, so just make sure you've been to the loo, got yourself a drink and a good book / magazine / film, and enjoy cuddling your teeny bundle
I wouldn't worry about the routines right now, plenty of time for that in 2-3 months, your baby will change so much anyway.

I don't know if this will make you sad - it did when I found out - Tracey Hogg, the Baby Whisperer - died in 2004. I cried when I found out, she was the kind voice and support when I didn't know about Mumsnet

I've only skim read the thread but you can't start off bad habits in a 4 week old baby. He wants and needs to be close to you. Until DS hit around 4 months I remember thinking we'd never get in a routine and he needed cuddling to sleep for every daytime nap. But things changed and now he puts himself to sleep in his cot upstairs. Please please don't worry.