How to wean my 21 month old from co-sleeping and feeding all night?

[car1sberg]

Hello,

I'm after some advice from anyone who has been in a similar position or has any suggestions, please!

I'll try to be brief. My little girl is 21 months old. She is breastfed but only feeds before bedtime, not at all in the day. She has a 2 hour nap every day in her cot, no problems at all. She goes to bed in her cot at 7pm, again no problems (most of the time, unless poorly/we've been on holiday etc, then I just reassure her in the cot until almost asleep then leave). The problem is overnight.. She sleeps solidly from 7pm until anywhere between 10pm-12am, where she wakes and is furious unless I lift her out of her cot and feed her (always on my bed as she's a lie down feeder!) then she goes straight back to sleep, but I'm usually so tired I fall asleep with her then on the bed rather than put her back. She did start only waking and feeding once at around midnight then sleeping (beside me) soundly until 6.30-7am which was amazing, but that's gone downhill, hence my posting.

The last few nights she has woken between 10-11pm, will not settle in her cot again so has a feed, then seems to wake every couple of hours during the night shouting for 'more!' and screaming if I refuse to feed her! This then wakes my husband, and we have a 4 year old who has just started school so I worry he will wake too, so I give in and feed her!

How on earth can I wean her off this? I don't mind co-sleeping, equally happy for her to stay in her cot, but either way the overnight feeding needs to go, it's becoming crazy - like a newborn!

I'm not sure whether to go completely cold turkey and somehow deal with the screaming? Or offer water instead? I don't want to substitute it for something else as I'm aiming to avoid the wake ups altogether? Do I still bring her in with me but refuse to feed, or just deal with the screaming in her cot, so tackling both at once? I've no idea. I never envisaged breastfeeding her this long, after only doing a few months with my son. It's just never fizzled out, now she's crazy for it overnight!

If anyone has any ideas please help! Thank you..

My husband is supportive and takes baby at 6 am so I get to sleep but no help during the day. I get what you mean about path of least resistance. I've kind of followed that rule myself however have found myself recently feeling quite trapped by bf and maybe that's built resentment.

Hi ammature no, I wouldn't have done anything differently. Both girls have been quite similar but there are differences. I have had nights or utter exhaustion, nights of surprise restful sleep, moments of anguish and despair... The whole range of emotions. And i wish my two were sleepers. They're not and I wouldn't want them any other way! Routine has helped us but I firmly believe in being flexible to accommodate whatever it is that their little bodies are doing. I also think that babies are not robots. I'm night weaning now at nearly 18 months, like I did with Dd1 because I feel Dd2 is ready. And that the crying is anger and not anguish because we are am changing her routine. There is no way I could have done this earlier as I didn't feel she was ready. I tried lots of times with dd1 from 11 months and I did 3 nights of the most awful sleep training regime with DD2 at 8 mo during the darkest time of my PND / anxiety episode. I guess what I'm saying is that 2 years of sleepless nights sounds horrific. I've done 3.5 and I'm still here and ok! You get through it and learn to adapt. I'm confident I've done the best I can for my girls and listened to their needs, but I have also kept my needs in mind too. For us getting DD1 into her own bed properly and making sure dd2 slept in a cot from 6mo and getting them into a good routine gives us an evening. Co sleeping later on gets everyone the best quality of sleep. I've bf both through the night in the worst of their teething for comfort and learned to be really gentle on myself during these times. But I really feel that 4/5 bfs at night is too many now. And more habit than nutrition and that getting her to accept cuddles with mummy in bed is more appropriate. With a nice big snuggly feed at 5.30. If you feel it's time with your little one, go for it, if not try to strengthen the support you have around you so that you can take care of yourself when nights are bad.

How did last night go, WittgensteinsBunny? X

Really good.
Asleep at 6.40(?!)
Awake at 11 - cuddled back to sleep in 3 mins (amazing!)
Into our bed at 3.45am - cuddled back with a bit of a fuss
Awake once more with some crying but not much. Sang to her and cuddled back to sleep.
Fed at 5.20ish
Up for the day at 6.30
Good progress!

That's amazing!!

I'm going to attempt no feeding tonight.. I'm actually scared!

My dd is about to be 27 months and she is still fed to sleep every night and cosleeping as she wakes a lot during the night. I have tried rocking, patting, singing, walking and cuddling as has dh and nothing works she gets herself into such a frenzy if I say no. I'm so fed up now and don't know what else to try. Sometimes she asks during the day but can be distracted so doesn't get but night times are so hard. I only planned to bf while in hospital it was never supposed to go on this long and with no end I sight either I often regret ever starting.

Another one with a cosleeping, night feeding toddler here, I am so glad I've found you all - I really thought I was the only one and should have just sleep trained months ago as per the advice of pretty much everyone I know

My DD is nearly 18 months, and always feeds to sleep and co sleeps too, usually this is fine, but like others who have posted, she seems to be teething and the last few nights have been a hell of near constant feeding!

DH and I are off on our belated honeymoon on Saturday (with aforementioned child ), but when we get home and the teething has passed I want to make some changes!

Oh god.. DD woke at 10.15pm (she'd only been asleep for 3 hours!) and I refused to feed her, just brought her in for a cuddle. 30 mins later and I've just caved and am feeding her.. The crying was too much I'm a failure!

PS welcome to the club Captains!

It's threads like this that make me so glad that I gave up breastfeeding both of my children at around 6 months old. It seems that the older the Bf child gets, the more difficult it is for them to learn to self-settle. Sadly it's not a great advert for breastfeeding. Both of my Dc were happily sleeping 11 hrs through by their first birthdays and our household was a happier place.

Good for you, Dot.

However, as much as the last few nights have been hard, I am very very glad I didn't stop breastfeeding at six months. I love breastfeeding my daughter, it is the ultimate comforter and good for her health and mine to boot - also my figure is as good as before I had her, which I put down to breastfeeding! Maybe that is a better advert

You're not a failure car1sberg it's just not that easy to let them cry when the solution is right there in front of you. Some toddlers just aren't as keen to give it up.

And cutting mine off at 6 months wouldn't have been any easier so thanks for that super helpful comment dot

Thanks Furious. I did try, she was so upset/cross after 30 mins, she had tried turning over to sleep a few times but kept sitting up again crying. Oh well.. Today is a new day!

Dotdot, well done on BF for 6 months. Not much else to say really, I started this thread to ask for advice from and to be supportive to other Mums in similar situations. You don't appear to be in need of or offering any advice so perhaps this isn't the best place for you?

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Oh god, you're not a failure at all! You're responding to her needs. You sound like a fab mum. I feel v guilty for enforced night weaning. In my mind she's ready but it's definitely not what she wants.

Dotdash - well done for getting to 6 months and super pleased you feel like you made the right decisions for your children. After all, we're just all trying to do the best by our families. Like carlsberg said, it's a support thread not an advert... So I'm not really sure what you're trying to say or add?

I'm a little late to the party! About to start night weaning my 22month old- haven't really felt the need to until now but I've hit a tiredness wall recently (dealt with by napping ) and ttc #2 so the all night milk bar needs to stop! I've read Jay Gordon (too harsh for me) Sarah Ockwell-Smith (too glacial a pace) and Meg Nagle (just right!) and we've been reading 'nurses when the sun shines ' to introduce the idea but I think it's still going to be really tough going. But I do really feel the need to be able to have an occasional night off which can't happen atm.

Ammature I'm really really glad I didn't know what a terrible sleeper I was going to have- DS has never once slept through and it makes thinking about another really scary. I would have cut myself some slack and started co-sleeping earlier than 4 month sleep regression. Also a non sleeping baby and non sleeping toddler are not quite the same, now it's just a quick feed and back to sleep whereas at 6m it was often a change and wind as well. Plus he (and I) nap in the day now so I manage much better, at 6m he still only slept on me or in the buggy/moving car. A lot of it is about coping strategies which you learn over time. Also evidence shows that after 6 months there is no difference between ff and bf babies sleep so not the best reason to stop!
DS was an allergy baby and was in a lot of pain when he was little. I really think that breastfeeding and co sleeping helped his tummy to heal and helped him to be a happier, more confident day time child; he just needs me a bit more in the night.

Ooh never heard of Meg Nagle, will give her a Google. I had been reading Sarah Ockwell-Smith but none of her suggestions made any difference (light, TV, music) and basically saying if it works don't stop.
Had some minor success last night though, managed to rub her back and get her to sleep twice last night so perhaps we're turning a corner.

Sounds like a change furious. I do like S O-S for talking about normal baby behaviour ( though even by her standards I don't think DS is normal!) but I thought her night weaning advice was a wee bit militant and sounded like she planned for it to take so long it would happen naturally... I don't think that will work for DS! Meg Nagle or the milk Meg is somewhere in between, she does say they won't like it and will be upset but does also say expect it to be 1 step forward, 2 steps back. So 'caving' is 100% fine carlsberg!

Sorry for not posting on here much the last couple of days, we've been non stop. Lovely to see the replies :) so glad I started this thread, hope we keep it going for a while!

Furious - wow, back rubbing worked a couple of times? Amazing. Well done, that's major success I would say. It certainly would be here, lol.

Oatybiscuits, my DD has never slept through either, she's 21 months now. She's done a good few hours in one go, she actually did just one wake up overnight once.. lol. My son didn't sleep through a full 11-12 hours until exactly 3 years old, right when his sister arrived. It can suddenly happen.. I keep telling myself! :)

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