How long should I leave my baby to self-settle?

[mallorcanmummy]

To clarify, I am NOT talking about leaving him crying.

My DS is 14 wo. Everything I've read talks about not leaving them crying, which I don't do, and don't want to do. I can't find any information on what to do with a baby who is happy to be put in his cot while sleepy, but then takes ages to actually go to sleep!

I put him down at night (after bath, boob and look at a book) when sleepy, and when sleepy for a nap during the day. If I time it exactly right, which is rare, he will go off in 5 mins or so. But usually, it will take maybe 15, or up 50 30mins before he sleeps. In this time, he wriggles, grunts and talks to himself and is starting to suck/cuddle his blankie toy. He sounds a bit frustrated but he gives me a big smile when i go to check him. In fact, he seems happier to be in his cot than in my arms. He often gets angry if I pick him up to 'help' him/rock him to sleep. I usually sit on the floor where he can't see me and get up to give him a stroke/kiss every now and again. Sometimes he takes the dummy, but not always and sometimes he will take it after 20mins or so and then goes off quite quickly. If he does start crying, I always pick him up and usually rock him to sleep.

I feel guilty for leaving him there so long, even though he is happy enough. Should I rock him to sleep, which is always quicker, but we have to get through a few minutes of angry crying, or leave him for possibly half hr/40mins?

So far tonight, it's been 30 mins and I can tell he's getting frustrated but he cries more when I pick him up. I'm tempted to offer him the boob again to calm him down. He won't fall asleep on it, he never does.

Any advice? I'm not sure what to do! Thanks?

3 months DD would only sleep on me! From 6 months she slept on her own and now if I ever tried to get her to sleep on me she would do anything but.

NIceCupOfTea I haven't read any of theirs but a friend of mine was telling me about their thinking. I think I will get something to read.

You are all making me feel so much more relaxed, thank you!

We have just been given a mobile but I found that it seemed to distract DS from 'trying' to sleep, so I spent a few days putting it up and taking it down when he went for a nap. Then I got bored of doing that so stopped putting it back up again! A friend said that after a while it sort of becomes 'white noise' too, so maybe I will try leaving it up and see what happens!

Sounds like you are doing everything right and are really lucky that he's happy to just chill, my first 3 dc were like that then I had dc4 who was a whole different kettle of fish!
Regarding the 45 min nap this is so so common as after 45 mins their sleep cycle changes and they come into a light sleep so it's easy for them to wake. I would leave him and see if he can settle himself back off or give him a dummy.
When mine were tiny I would get them to nap in a bouncy chair if they started to stir after 45 mins I would bounce them back to sleep it was a bit of a faff at first but so worth it in the end as all 4dc (even dc4!) have had a nap from 12-2.30 until they were at least 2 and some of them until they were 3.

Buttwing I'll try the bouncy chair tomorrow! Although I've heard it's not great for them to sleep for long periods of time in the chair? Something about squashing their lungs??? It's so hard to know what to do sometimes!

I know I'm lucky, I've said to a couple of people 'DS is getting so big, I want another little one!' They immediately said 'he sleeps well doesn't he? That's why you want another one already! If he didn't there's no way you'd be saying that yet!'

Absolutely true. There's a 3.6 year gap between DD1 and DD2, in no small part because DD1 STILL doesn't sleep through. 13wk old DD2 on the other hand, is a champion sleeper, and I have already muttered to DH that I would definitely consider doing this again if I could guarantee another like her.

That'll teach me to think I know what I'm doing...

So we had a good night, and DS was sleepy so put him down (9am), he went off in 5 mins. 20mins later he was awake, and clearly not ready to be....cue 40 mins of me leaving him, sitting with one hand on him, putting dummy back in etc...he was getting more and more frustrated so I picked him up. He eventually went to sleep in my arms, for 5 mins. I gave up, came through to the living room, fed, changed etc. a fairly happy 20 mins later, meltdown. Cue another 20mins of rocking. (this time he cried every time I put him down). I've now managed to calm him down, but he's still there gurgling and squeaking away! He's definitely overtired now.

My next question is, if they really aren't going to go to sleep, how long do you give it before giving up? He fought sleeping for twice as long as he actually slept for this morning!

I think you should just leave him to fall asleep, he sounds happy to be left. DD nearly 9 still takes an hour to fall asleep and reads or colours during that time.

I cracked again and picked him up. I feel bad now. He fell asleep in minutes. I'm keeping him on me, I'm not risking putting him down again in case he wakes up. Right now he needs his sleep.

When I say he's lying there not crying, he does sound quite frustrated sometimes. It's not always completely contented noises...

Don't worry, you can try again to night and every now and then they like to throw something in to break the routine but it's something just a one off or a short phase. Just take each night as it comes

I think for me that the trick was to be convinced that what I'm doing is correct: ie, he's genuinely tired, he's not hungry, he's a comfortable temperature, his nappy is clean, it's appropriate and needful for him to now be in the cot. Then I'll leave him 45 min or an hour. The babbling and cooing almost invariably turns to whinging and when I hear that, I know he'll be asleep soon. It's like a bit of a wail is the final hurdle before giving in to sleep.
If you're convinced that he's tired, then pop him into bed and let him work out how to relax into sleep with minimal interference.
Then once he's worked that out, when he gets to the end of a 45 min sleep cycle (or a skimpy five minutes or whatever) and half rouses, he'll start to be able to drift happily back to sleep again instead of waking with an aggrieved "Where the hell are you and where is my rocking and why do I feel so exhausted?"

villainous I think I'm inclined to agree with you, I just haven't quite managed to convince myself yet. We get to the whinge/frustrated part and I cave! After all that time too. I'm currently sat on the floor in our room in the dark again, with wine, determined to give him his time :)

I know he can sometime self-settle back into sleep. He did it this afternoon. After another fighting the nap, where I gave up and we played for a bit, he showed signs of being tired again so I went to take him through to his cot and he was asleep before I got there. He woke after 45mins, I left him and he went off again for another 90 mins!

Although I'm now doubting myself that he is tired even though I know he is. I'm just second guessing....thanks again for all the support!

He's tired. You know him. If you reckon he's tired, he is. And where should a tired baby be?
Ching ching!

Thank you! 56minutes!

Have another few babies OP and you'll be very impressed with your first born and also will barely listen to the whinging unless it's a full wail;)

Dolly Im planning on it!

I'm sorry to keep going on. I've just had another three 45 minute naps today....first one, I caved after 30mins and rocked him to sleep, second he slept after 10mins and third I rocked after 30 mins. I'm ok with the night sleep as I know he'll be down for a good few hours, but I can't get my head around leaving him for up to an hour in the dark room for him to only sleep 45 mins! It seems like he/we spend most of the day hiding out in the dark room...

Maybe he's just relaxing or at least, maybe this is how he relaxes and switches off?

Maybe. I think it's because it;s only started happening in the last few weeks, so it's completely thrown me. I will keep working on me!

If he's happy then leave him! Just leave the monitor where you can see it and get on with something nice :) my DD takes this long to settle, sometimes up for an hour, sometimes she cries and I'm in and out like a yoyo but sometimes she's just playing with her dummy and shouting a bit. I understand it's hard to relax until they're asleep but I found that at bedtimes I started cooking dinner with the monitor on and it helped me feel less stressed and less focused on whether she was asleep or not!

Thanks everyone. I think I"m OK in the evenings. Although I still can't quite bring myself to completely leave...last night I sat on the floor outside our room with a book. How that makes any difference to me/him, I don't know, apart from me being uncomfortable But it's my choice to do that, and for the moment I'm happy to do it.

We don't have a video monitor, only a sound one. I did find cooking helped distract me when DH was (trying) to put him to bed last week!

It's definitely the naps. I just don't feel comfortable leaving him for an hour to only sleep for 45 mins. He's currently having his second nap of the day. Both times I sat on the floor next to his cot, and just rocked my hand on his tummy...he went out in 5 mins, and I've just done the same when he woke up after 45mins and he's gone out again. I think I will stick to doing this for naps if it continues to work. It makes me feel better and I feel he'll get more sleep/more interesting time out of his day.

Or Am I Being Unreasonable in not encouraging him to fall asleep completely alone, even if it takes an hour??

Did slept on me for naps until around 6 months, in hindsight I didn't try much to put her anywhere but I didn't really have much trouble when it came to her napping on her own after that so it doesn't always create latter problems but if it does then you will prob want to be firmer. Having said that, there are plenty of families that co sleep all the time throughout and end up fine too

God if it takes five mins then do it!! I only started to try and teach DD to self settle because it was taking hours and lots of crying in my arms before she would nap!