Sleep training (ferber method)

[Mariskat86]

Hello, I'm looking for some advice.

We've started sleep training our 6 month old daughter using the ferber method (check in on baby if crying at increasing intervals)
We're 3 nights in and also doing nap time training following same method.
She's been sleeping through the night without any problem since starting, once she's asleep (longest has been asleep after 40 min and me checking in about 4 times)
Naps seems to be harder to get her to sleep, but we're getting there.
I'm not enjoying it one bit but as we had to rock her / sing her / nurse her to sleep its time we do something about it.

My worry is this: she's always been a very happy baby, but since starting the training she now cries as soon as I walk into her bedroom with her. Especially once put down in her cot, she goes nuts. Last night during our bedtime routine she knew what was coming and started crying halfway through, even crying through her feed (bf). I'm worried she's now associating sleep/bedtime with crying/being alone/being sad.
Have any of you had this experience and is it something that goes away once the training is complete?
She also wakes up in a state - basically picking up where she left it when she finally drops off...
My plan is to see it through as I know it will only confuse her/make things worse if wet not consistent but I'm so worried the association...
Your stories and advice are very welcome!!

We did it with DS. I was on my knees and the rocking was taking longer and longer and then he would wake as soon as he was put down. It did work eventually but like your DD he started crying as soon as we got in his room. So we started going in there for fun things to play on the carpet etc to break the association. I started popping him in his cot while I was folding laundry and giving him some truly prized toy and then getting him back out before he wanted out. Bu the time he moved to a toddler bed I ended up lying down with him for him to get to sleep because the older they get the more distressing it is to see them upset. I wish I had done gradual withdrawal from the get go. Now at 4 years old I can sit at the door of his bedroom and he's asleep in 5-10 minutes - no fuss. I don't think it would have taken so long if we hadn't done Ferber to begin with. It's so hard especially when it's your first. I don't believe you are damaging Your daughter. I just don't. Mums have enough guilt without other people chucking more on top!

Out of interest, how do you know that those of us who posted first have never done any kind of sleep training ?

I have four DCs. With my eldest we used to leave him to 'settle himself' to sleep for no more than 5-10 mins from quite early on. It did not help his sleep in the longer term (As an older baby and toddler). I now know where the myth of self soothing came from and a hell of a lot more about child development, early neurological development and primary attachment.

If you ask for advice that is what you will get.

Oh and we had close friends who did Ferber with their just turned 6 month old. They re-did it approximately once a month until 18 months when they finally decided all that crying just wasn't worth it. From what we were told at baby group, their DC slept no better consistently that the rest who were not doing controlled crying. They did however have to endure far more crying, and the mum was exhausted, emotional and stressed from sitting outside her child's room listening to it scream, something her body was designed to find stressful. Often she cried whilst doing it.

I tried it for about 8 months, it was terrible, DS became very fond of a blanket (the only one of my children who ever fetishised his things). DH cracked & couldn't do it any more. We probably did it all wrong in spite of how many books (& debates) I read.

Friend talked about leaving her baby to cry hysterically on fireworks night because they couldn't chance giving him bad habits.

Thanks everyone for your advice / experiences - FYI I have just rung my health visitor and have arranged a visit for tomorrow to discuss.

And for what it's worth penguinsareace, if you have that much experience, why not just tell me about it in a nice and friendly manor, rather than judging me on something you had a bad experience with. (If you weren't and I miss took the comment then I apologise)
I appreciate everyone's replies, understand this method isn't for everyone, I myself struggle with it, hence my post. But I'm sure, us all being mums, you can also relate to sometimes just having to try something because you're out of ideas!
All I was looking for was some advice from parents who can relate to my situation.
Thanks everyone for your comments!

gradual withdrawal

My DC4 is 21 months old now. I have followed Gradual Withdrawal as an parenting ethos (not just a sleep training method) from newborn. I've always given enough affection and attention to not cause any distress, but always with a view of encouraging independent sleeping, with tiny changes that created no upset done when DD was ready.

By the time she was about 9 months old I could place her standing up in the cot and leave, she would settle herself to sleep without any distress. Sleeping without waking 7pm-7am started sporadically from around 9 months old, becoming consistent by 12 months old.

Now if she's have been by firstborn and not my fourth, I'd have thought taking until 12 months old to be sleeping through meant she was a terrible sleeper. That I sat by her cot every time she went to sleep until she was 9 months I would have naively assumed meant she was the Worlds Worst Baby at Sleeping. I would have wholeheartedly believed with my firstborn that I should be getting far more sleep than I was, and that the whole sleep thing should be much easier than this. Maybe I'd have thought she needed some kind of harsh, horrible sleep training.

But experience tells me DC4s journey to learning to sleep independently has been the easiest and most positive of all the children I know - specifically because it was gentle, kind and took a long term view, rather than a quick-fix idea.

I wasn't aware my post was unfriendly. My apologies if you took it that way. I read your OP as rather desperate and unhappy and thought to be honest that you could see yourself it was not working. Then I gave you some links that would help you understand why that might be.

I hope your HV tells you whatever it is you want to hear

All I was looking for was some advice from parents who can relate to my situation

Loads of parents will be able to relate to the situation (most parents have been there), but most find different ways to deal with it. How about this idea:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/1394888-What-worked-for-us-Hope-this-helps

Its basically like a speeded up gradual withdrawal method for older babies (but then I'd consider older babies to be more like 12m+, so maybe err on the gentler side for a 6 month old).

Also - have you established something as an alternate comfort for baby if you are withdrawing your presence as a comfort? In my experience babies don't develop a meaningful bond with a blankie/teddy etc until closer to 9 months old. Younger than this comfort is mostly gained by babies by sucking - breastfeeding, fingers or dummy.

I find dummies invaluable to gently develop independent sleeping without causing distress. Suckling is a naturally soothing mechanism for babies. Your problem at 6 months is that baby wont yet have the dexterity to insert/reinsert his own dummy, so will need you to do this for another couple of months. That'll come sort of 7-8 months old ish, depending on the baby.

OP - At what physical stage of development is your baby? If not yet standing then you could remove one side off the cot and butt it up to your bed. Then you can lie right next to baby, cuddling right up to him, reinserting dummy as needed, to help him learn to sleep without being rocked. That way, while learning to be less dependant in rocking, baby is still getting the reassurance of your presence and comfort.

So so judgy. People should be glad they never had to resort to cry it out methods. Some people have to teach their babies how to sleep by themselves the hard way. It's a skill for life and you're doing your child an injustice if you don't teach them it.

Hi we used this method around the same age after month of hourly waking avd having to do anything to try to get him back to sleep.
It took just under a week for him to settle quickly at night. We still have /had night waking but again used same method unless needed feeding . After three weeks was going well then he was unwell so was on hold for a bit now getting back to how it was. He did cry a bit as went to room at start but that passed and now gets excited when put into sleeping bag.
Naps where harder we focused on the first one only for starters then moved to second . If didn't sleep after 30min witu checks would take him out in pram or car . I never use it for final nap as we often out in pram or car and didn't want it to over run.
I know lots don't agree with it but we all do what we think is best for our own children and should never judge or criticise others , parenting is hard enough !!!