How do I break the bed sharing cycle?

[DrunkDori]

I'll try and be succinct.

Baby is 8 months old. Sleep has always been tough but I think she is making gradual improvements. However, we seem to have plateaued and I feel sure it's my fault.

She goes down between 6 and 6:30 into her cot. She will generally sleep there until either around 10pm or 2am. She may need a little burp or cuddle between 6 and 10pm but goes back down fine.

If she stirs after 10pm I bring her in the bed with me. This is because, historically I wouldn't be able to get her to settle again after this time. I haven't tried for a long time though. She has always stirred by 2am so from then till morning she's in with me.

Some nights she will need a feed at 3am (after an hour of trying to settle her next to me in bed). I always try this hour because most nights she doesn't need the food and will drop off. She absolutely howls for it on those nights I feed her though.

So I guess I'm after advice to get her to sleep all night in her cot. My husband doesn't sleep in the bed with us and I miss him. Also, when she was teeny I remember her sleeping in her cot for the last part of the night a couple of times - the difference it made to my mental health not having to touch her all night / comfort her etc - it was amazing.

Do I just need to try putting her down after settling no matter what time of night? I think I'm scared of trying as I'm back at work and need my sleep!

Hi Cobsahoy!

Our babies sound so similar! I also fought for a 3rd nap for a while but it was so silly as we both just got stressed out! The 234 system does work really well for us but she just won't sleep through the night still so I guess I have to try changing things in the day. We do have a king size bed but my husband is an actual giant do you feed your DD in the night at all? Does she still wake next to you and you need to settle her?

We changed things around a lot today. She had 2 naps totalling around 3 hours and was up till 7:30. We will see what tonight brings!

We have an identical problem dori! My 8.5m old used to be really good at going back in his cot after feeds, we'd got down to two feeds a night(from feeding every 90mins and cosleeping) but over the last 3 weeks he's been impossible to settle in his cot after about 1-2am

Goes into cot fine at bedtime, usually ok after first feed around 11ish but is a nightmare after that. We've tried not feeding him, me settling him, dh settling and feeding but as aoon as we put him back into the cot he pings awake and screams. So for the last week I've just brought him into bed with me, which is fine, but he then feeds on and off, I guess because when he stirs it's right there on offer! So I'm knackered, all touched out and worried about when I go back to work and an away trip I have in just over a month

He naps really well usually, we mostly feed to sleep although he will occasionally self settle if put down awake, so I know he can do it!

I'd love to get out of the cosleeping again but too knackered to face hours of settling and getting up to sort him-at the moment it's just about the lesser of two evils!

So no advice here, but definitely feel your pain!

Yeah she probably has 1-2 proper feeds in the night, but there is also a lot of comfort sucking! Ive gotten pretty adept at feeding lying down and she doesn't really wake up to feed/comfort so I don't have to settle her (mostly she'll wriggle a bit and I might have to pop her dummy in) so it seems easier than having her in a cot and getting up multiple times in the night (by which point she will have woken up and probably be going batshit!). I am knackered though and the constant physical contact is mentally draining, also not sure if I'll be so blasé about it once I go back to work.....

How did you get on last night? Did the late bedtime make a difference?

I'm just hoping they grow out of it like they do everything else, it seems like for the first 2 years they are constantly suffering from teething/growth spurts/colds/developmental leaps, all of which disturbs their sleep and makes them want extra comfort/closeness!

Have you read the no cry sleep solution because that has loads of tips about stopping cosleeping

AngelicCurls sorry you're going through this too. It really is a tricky one as a lot people will say "if they're sleeping just carry on bed sharing. You'll miss it when they're older etc" But it's definitely the effect on my mental health that is killing me. Plus it isn't proper, good quality sleep with them next to you! I'm back at work and have been since she was 6 months so starting to burn out now

Cobs I think you're right - the first two years are certainly full of pretty much constant, massive changes for the poor little things. Maybe some are just more sensitive than others? Can't imagine another year+ of this though!

Last night didn't affect her waking etc but did put her wake up time forward to 5:50 which is something I guess. She was in with me from 11pm though. I keep daydreaming about going into her in the mornings. I really thought that's what it would be like as well! I was always so against bed sharing. Bloody nightmare!

How is everyone else doing or are you all resigned to stick it out until you're back at work?

Thanks fluffikins I've heard that book mentioned a couple of times and must make more of an effort. Between work and MNing everything else though, not sure when reading it will happen!

Ahhhhhh I had those daydreams too before DD arrived, but I gave up on them when the 4month regression happened and I realised that these early months weren't gonna be the soft-focus-John-Lewis-advert type moments I had thought! I always thought I'd be a no-nonsense new mum and never dreamed of bed sharing, but actually ive turned out to be a right sap, and as soon as I realised how much happier she was in bed with us I just couldn't bring myself to put her in the cot....

But I can imagine the effect it has on your mental health if your DP is in another room, even with DP in our bed it has massively changed the dynamics of our relationship, and it's easy to feel disheartened about the lack of time/space to yourselves as a couple.

Yep I'm pretty much just resigned to it to be honest, back at work in July. I'm not up for CC but read something from Sarah Ockwell Smith which I thought was a nice, gentle way to approach DD moving to own room in the future (but it is a LONG process of you include night weening before which she advises)

sarahockwell-smith.com/2016/04/12/how-to-stop-cosleeping-and-bedsharing/

Glad you got a (relative) lie-in this morning though Dorrie!

Ha! You are so right - I was beyond deluded. I didn't realise how much of a charade we are sold as expectant first time mums! I think that's where I'm struggling to be honest - i know it helps her to be in with me so I never give it a full go or be massively driven to enforce a routine to change what's happening for us. It is just so bloody draining. And yes - the dynamics between me and my husband have just taken a battering!

Thank you for the link, I will definitely have a look. I can feel it deep down that something needs to change its just finding what's right that is hard! More seems to be my most recent solution...on my nights off of course

yeah the adjustment is so intense, even my dog seems like he's been in the grip of an existential crisis since the baby arrived. Personally I found it so hard to adjust because I always thought I'd be a pretty easy going mum (because I was so sure this would make for an easy going baby who would sleep anywhere at any time, and would fit so nicely into my life!), and the reality for me has been that it's actually quite a lot of work to keep DD happy and well rested.

Hope you hit upon the solution that's right for you soon, but in the meantime enjoy that wine!

I think that's part of it dori, I know I'll miss it when he is bigger! We coslept with my eldest, but she went and stayed in her cot relatively easily, although night weaning (into a bottle rather than stopping feeds completely) at 9m was a battle. But I knew we'd have another whereas DS is definitely my last so part of me doesn't want him in his cot as it's another sign he's growing up quickly! But then the rest of me can't wait to get my bed and body back! If I didn't have this trip away with work I wouldn't be so worried, but that's what making think I must sort this. Have half thought about taking him with me-though would need to buy a new plane ticket , plus I was really looking forward to 2 child free full nights sleep!

Oh gosh Angelic, I would not be taking my daughter with me haha - the baby free sleep would be too appealing! I think that's really nice if you're enjoying the bed sharing and can understand if this is your last, must be hard. It is pretty much the opposite for me though - always wanted three kids and the whole sleep issue has genuinely made me and my husband reconsider and we are now saying DD will be an only. It makes me so sad to think about but I just couldn't do all this again

We had a nightmare from 1:30 - 4am last night but it's definitely her top two little teeth. It was absolutely heartbreaking to see her in so much pain. It did mean she lay in till 7 trying to catch up on sleep so it's starting is off in the right place in the hope of bedtime being later.

Here we go again...

You do forget about the pain of no sleep-I swore I'd only have one but when she got to about 18m having slept throught for a few months it became just a distant (bad) memory!