Can't take anymore - any suggestions? (9 month old)

[Breakingpointhasbeenreached]

DD is 9 months old and I have absolutely hit breaking point with her.

For a bit of background; she's never been a great sleeper. She either feeds to sleep, or is rocked to sleep. She is breastfed, up until her last feed around 10pm ish. Then (because I am unwell) dh does the 1am/2am feed, 3am/4am feed, and then she comes into bed with us (unfortunately!) until 6am/7am at the latest, where I then feed her.

During the day, she'll only really nap on us, once she's been fed or rocked to sleep. She will sleep in the pram, eventually, but wakes up as soon as the pram stops moving. Same with the car.

This has always worked for us, as we've tried putting her down etc etc many times and it just doesn't work.

We moved house recently and she was ok to begin with, but the last week or so has been an absolute nightmare. Usually at night she niggles for a feed and it slowly escalates. The last few days, she has gone straight into a blood curling scream. She holds her breath and then screams and screams and screams. She's inconsolable. This can go on for a good 45 minutes or so. Then se refuses the bottle and wants to be breastfeed. She then falls asleep, but wakes up pretty soon after as she's still hungry, I assume because I don't have any milk at that time of night as I've never fed her during the middle of the night before.

The nights are just a nightmare. I can't even articulate how loud and angrily she screams, until it then turns into very distressed sobs and she can't breathe as she's so worked up.

Today, when she needed a nap, she screamed and sobbed for 1 hour and 10 minutes. There was literally nothing I could do to console her. Not her teddy, feeding, rocking in my arms, rocking in the pram, lying in the cot holding hands, in the cot with me outside the room, lying on the bed together cuddled up....nothing worked.

I'm just at breaking point. I feel so ill, I just can't cope with 2-3 hours sleep a night. I just can't. And now she's getting like it in the day too, what to I do?!

The house we've just moved into is rented, and the person who lives next doesn't leave the house (has carers come twice a day etc), so she must hear ALL of this. The walls are so thin we can clearly hear her talking to visitors etc, so she must hear this as DD is so loud when she screams me and dh can't hear each other. So apart from when I'm out of the house, this poor woman doesn't have a break from DD's screaming. She screams over everything; nappy changes, wiping hands after food, cleaning her teeth, telling her no etc so next door must be so fed up. I'm worried their going to complain to our letting agents and then our tenancy won't be renewed in 6 months :( but that's another problem.

What can I do, if anything, about her sleep? I've tried everything; rocking or feeding to sleep, putting down on her own and having my hand on her reassuring her and gently retreating, going in the pram.. what else can I do?! And how can I stop the absolute hysterics during the night? :( it goes on for hours in total :( :(

Both.

I struggle to feed her lying down. I honestly wish I could, but this is very tmi but my boobs are very saggy and my nipples point downwards, so the only position I can feed her in still is the rugby ball hold. Perhaps I could feed her on the bed though and then put her down next to me? I doubt I'd be able to sleep though as I struggle to nap myself, but maybe just lying there resting would help.

I did mention tt to my gp at the 8 week check and she said she was fine. I've mentioned a few times about her lack of sleep but gp said this was normal. That was before recent weeks though when things have become unbareable.

My daughter had her lip tie revised privately at 16 months by Dr Malcolm Levinkind. The NHS doesn't buy into lip ties as far as I know, because there aren't really any studies on its affects and it is easy to dismiss them.

Lip tie had an enormous effect on my daughter's weaning, as well as breastfeeding and sleep.

This is her lip tie. Would anyone do anything about it do you think? I can't even afford a fridge right now, or an extra bed, so I don't know how I'd afford to pay to have it done 😕

I only know of Dr Levinkind, who does it privately, so it isn't cheap. But yes, that looks like it could be a grade IV like my daughter's was. She couldn't flange her top lip either, which affects the latch, and how much air they take in.

Sorry if you have mentioned this before but would she sleep in a sling? You could go for a long walk and get her some sleep and you some fresh air and endorphins. If you can get a little routine going it does get easier.

I really do know how you are feeling. I have been there and it's awful. For me, I felt a lot better when I was back at work, even though I was exhausted. Once her sleep improved I was so much more robust, and so much happier. People say it's normal for babies but I never met anyone else who had it as bad, and they don't get that it's not just being woken up to feed, it's also the energy needed to get them back to sleep again, and not knowing if you are going to be awake for ten minutes or five hours!

Yes, that's the hard part, never knowing how long you'll be awake or asleep for. I feel so tense at night and like I can't just relax and switch off as I'm always on edge for when she's going to wake up.

I do have a carrier. She used to sleep very well in it but she's sooo nosey that she's only fallen asleep once in it this year. Up until about 4 months she'd regularly drop off in it when she was in it; sometimes without any help, sometimes with a little patting and shushing. It just doesn't happen now. It probably could if I could walk for miles in it but I can't because although the carrier is comfy, it does hurt me after a while as I have a slight spine issue. She definitely wouldn't fall asleep in it just round the house - she wouldn't do that as a newborn either.

Today she's had 2 naps with dh, and one short one with my mum. There was only about a 5 minute niggle for each of them which is absolutely fantastic for her. So now I feel paranoid I'm doing something wrong with her, or maybe today is just a fluke. I don't know. Either way I'm grateful that she's been quite happy today!

P.s thank you so much for everyone's help and suggestions. I'm sorry you've all had to deal with poor sleepers too, but it really does help to know that there's light at the end of the very long tunnel.

Hello,

I am sorry you are still struggling. Wish I could help more. Just noticed you say that your DD won't feed as much in the day due to distractions. I have had to feed my son in a dark room since he was three months as otherwise he would not feed. I wanted to ensure he got as much milk in the day so just went with that. Possible idea? Also loads of dairys and proteins in her solids etc. . May help I both NWs.

There are medications you can take while breastfeeding. Certain levels of co codomol are ok to a degree. I am having to take it for nerve pains(very horrible pain) . I also take a low dose of nortryptyline, which helps migraines as well I think. However I only bf in the morning now. Go back to your. GP regarding migraines as there will be medicines you can take. I also noticed that one of my. GPs wasn't very up on what medication you can take while breastfeeding so it may be worth you researching it yourself and then taking this to the doctor. I just think you need to also spend some time sorting yourself out. Everything is made worse with sleep deprivation and if you could just find something to help out with your migraines it might be ofhelp.

I feel sad I that your. HV said you LOs issues were due to sensing your stress. It isn't your fault.

A sleep consultant would be a good idea. It is just forking out the expenses sometimes that can be tricky. Big hugs x

I've got a GP appohtment for myself next week so I'll do some online research and ask in that appointment for what I can take - thank you :)

We can't afford a sleep consultant unfortunately. She's watching TV at the moment as I can barely move I'm so tired. I was doing ok today but now it's suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks and I can barely see straight. She's had 2 naps today (car naps) and I've just tried getting her down for her 3rd but she was fighting it and then I just lost the energy to persevere. I think I'm going to have to lie on the sofa as even sitting up seems too much effort right now.

She hasn't had a night terror for 2 nights straight now, I'm not sure what's changed though. Maybe I need to keep a food diary or something to see if there is a trigger for them.

If you can, can't you try to get a gp appointment more quickly. Perhaps a double one so the baby can be checked too.

Got her an appointment for tomorrow.

Let know how you get on. Thinking of you.

Nothing wrong with her ears. Is it bad I'm a teeny tiny bit disappointed?

It's great that her ears are fine. Proves you are a good mum because you haven't missed anything. I think the sleep counsellor I a good idea.

Have you tried just going with her flow. Stopping trying to get her to nap and dealing with the frustrations that go with it and just letting her sleep when she's ready. DS was much easier when we went with his routine.

I can't afford a sleep consultant, but thank you for the recommendation anyway Dee

Beau thank you. You're right, it is a good thing her ears are fine, but because she's constantly pulling them I did kind of hope she'd have a bit if wax in there or something. Just because then there might be a reason for this.

I was going with the flow before all this. I've never been obsessed about her naps or not let her nap past a certain time and clocked watched etc. It's been since the night terrors that I've tried to have a routine and be strict with the naps.

new HV who is coming to see me in 2 weeks. She seemed skeptical that it's night terrors as they have to happen at the same time each night

Not true. Not true at all. Night terrors can happen any time of night.

Don't underestimate the pain of teething. DS was an awful sleeper and I think we minimised teething, as did the GP. She might be pulling her ears because her teeth are hurting.

What put it in perspective for me was when ds was cutting a second molar, at the back where a tooth hadn't broken before. He was about 9/10, playing rugby, tough enough enough not to cry when he broke his ankle at school because he wasn't a cissy. He clung to the sofa cushions sobbing as that tooth broke.

Have you tried a dose of calpol mid evening follows by some baby Nurofen if she unsettles later? It can't harm and might help a lot.

Ask your hv next week about sleep counselling. Some areas used to have it as a service. It might still exist.

I think you are doing a grand job by the way. Hope you turn the corner soon. If you weren't a brilliant mummy this wouldn't overly bother you. You doing the hardest job in the world. I was crap at the baby stage - it got much nicer as they got bigger and more human

How are you today. I have been thinking of you. It's sunny here and I hope you will be able to go for a lovely walk, showing her flowers and listening to the birds whilst getting lots of fresh air. I used to love that when mine were babies and it was free. Would a swing in the playground help wear her out if you feel up to it? Do you have a local library with story time - that was a great way to meet other mums with littlies I found and the mums with babies there had slightly older ones and lots of experience to share about what worked foe them and who the good hvs were, etc.

Hiya,

Thank you for thinking of me. I've been mulling over what you said about not underestimating the power of teething. We have been giving her calpol etc but it's not made a difference. However, we think we may have spotted her 7th tooth peeking through today!!

She is also trying to master a few skills at the moment. She has been desperately trying to clap for over a week now and finally nailed it today. She is also pulling herself up onto her knees and then trying to pull herself onto her feet. She's also being trying (and succeeded today) in making that sound (don't know how to explain it sorry!) Where you put your hand to your mouth and take it off and put it back and it makes a noise? She's been doing that with her arm and her toy today. So perhaps this is all a developmental thing too?

She had 3 terrible nights, but last night only woke up 3 times. She was hysterical for one of them, but not for the other two. She's only had 2 naps today and was asleep by 7.15 but she's now wide awake after what seems to be a power nap so dh is upstairs in the dark rocking her but I can hear her crying.

The garden in our new house is awful so we've spent the day trying to sort that. She has a swing for the garden and she's been so happy and content in it, watching us. She also had a crawl on the grass for the first time so that was lovely.

We are travelling 2 hours each way to visit family tomorrow. I'm feeling quite nervous about this in terms of timing naps as I obviously don't want to mess up any routine. But I also know I can't control too much of it, cos what if we get stuck in traffic so we end up moving when it's not her nap time but she falls asleep cos we're moving, if you see what I mean? I'm just feeling a bit anxious over the whole thing.

Dh is off for a week now which will in one way be a big help, but in another may be a hindrance to trying to establish a routine.

We also have a lead on someone giving away a free mattress so that could really help as I do think dh's alarm in the morning disturbs her, so she's up too early and then it throws all her naps out of sync.

I am pretty sure, not 100%, that we have a blow up camping bed somewhere (not sure where but think I have seen it post move) if I can find it, would you let me send it to you? Isn't perfect but would do your dh until something better comes up?

Thank you so much for the offer My mum is waiting for a reply vis text about this mattress as mum reckons she could collect it today so I'll see if anything comes of that, but thank you so much.

Last night she had a feed at 10 and slept until....3.15am!!! Around 11 she rolled onto her front and we didn't want to disturb her so rightly or wrongly we left her. Maybe that helped?

Unfortunately, since 3.15am she was very unsettled and was then feeding on and off to sort of make up for that lost time.

Lunch was much later than planned today so now dd is having a nap but I wanted to leave by 3pm so she could sleep for an hour on the drive home. Now I'm worried she'll nap on the way home as well and that'll mess up tonight. I'm feeling quite stressed trying to be strict about these nap times.

She's asleep on me now as she fell asleep feeding so I don't know whether to wake her up or not... I honestly don't know what to do for the best and I feel a bit like everyone thinks they know what best for her and questions what I do. Like everyone has their own ideas what I should be doing re naps/sleeps/feeds/weaning etc and I feel like I can't please everyone.

I'm just having a bit of a down day today as I feel like an utter failure as a mother. My fb (bloody fb I know)is full of all these mums looking all happy and saying how much sleep they've had and I feel like I'm letting me, dh and dd down by being such a useless mother.

People post on facebook what they want you to see. Mine were babies before the internet. So many other mums used to tell me how their dc slept all night long. By the time we were in the playground they were letting slip all the bad times from four years previously.

I don't think a useless mother would be worrying about nap times and feeding and whether her baby is ok. I certainly don't think a useless mother's breast fed baby would be asleep on her on a Sunday afternoon.

You are doing the hard yards and being a mummy to a baby is hard work. Made harder because everyone else did it this way or that way.

I thought the adage was never to wake a sleeping baby except for in the early days when they might be a bit jaundiced.

Have you been checked for your iron, bit D and throud levels btw. Not unusual for those to be off after a pg and bf. Might be worth asking the doctor next week.

Vitamin D and thyroid levels.

Thank you for the kind words

Before these night terrors even started I went to my old gp in April. I had a thread on chat at the time, as gp refused to speak to me. I was told my bloods were all normal but I asked for my levels and my ferritin was 18 and my b12 was 277 (which some said was low.

My ferritin was 6 when I was pregnant so I had an iron infusion at 28 weeks which took it up for 71. I've been taking Floradix ever since but it's obviously not doing enough.

Had a GP appointment today and she said 18 is low for ferritin. She can't see my blood results though and it's hard to get them so I'm having them redone tomorrow morning :( (needle phobic!)

She did say that if my ferritin was still low she would actually treat it with iron tablets for 3 months and that if the bloods don't show anything to still go back and see her to discuss what happens next. She was lovely :)