Me and my wife at the end of our tether!

[sonicninja]

Hi everyone,
I'm new on here but have been browsing the site for a while now looking for help. This certainly isn't the only post of its type but having read a lot of posts and trying various things we're still having real trouble with our daughter and are worried we are starting to resent her.

Our daughter is 19 weeks and during the day an absolute bundle of joy but when the night comes she turns into a monster. Sleep deprivation is making us monsters too.
Basically she just wont sleep for any significant duration during the night or day. I've read a baby her age should be sleeping approx 11-12 hours but this simply isn't happening.

We have a bedtime routine which starts with a calming bath at 6:30pm followed by a story in bed, then a feed and then we put her down. She recently was in a moses basket but is now in a cot by the side of our bed.

She wakes the second she hits the mattress. We've been trying to get her to self sooth but at the moment we're finding it hard enough to just get her to sleep by any means. We tried a bottle yesterday evening in order to basically knock her out. She slept for 3 hours, woke and then we spent the rest of the night/morning trying to get her to back sleep.

She will sleep in our arms but for obvious reasons we don't want to continue doing this.

I could go on and on but I don't want to make this a novel. Basically im really concerned about how this is affecting my lovely wife who is trying as hard as she can. I also feel that we're both resenting our daughter for denying us sleep and this makes me sad beyond belief.

If anyone has any suggestions I'd love to hear them, we feel totally alone.

Put a cot sheet in bed with you then on her mattress next night. The scent of her mum might just help her settle. I sympathise ds was not a good sleeper.

OP co-sleeping done the right way is safe. DS was 2 and a half before he stopped waking up every couple of hours to feed. I realise that this is extreme, but the only sane way to handle it was to have him in bed with me, allowing him to have a feed when he fancied it. At 19 weeks, your baby is behaving normally.

Could you look into a co-sleeping cot to avoid the 'wakes upon hitting the mattress' thing? DS never slept in a cot.

Woah! People got a bit antsy over this didn't they?

I have no excellent advice for you I'm afraid. I can only go on my own experience and I was one of the lucky ones. My girl loved bedtime.

Can I suggest switching up your routine slightly? Maybe do the story before bath time and once she is bathed, feed her and straight into bed. Also maybe something warm in her cot before you put her down. Warmth in the cot can give the illusion of being close to someone and I have a friend who used to warm her sons bedding before bed and that helped them.
Remember though, every child is different. They will all find their own routine. Be laid back about it if you can.

I found being more relaxed about the routine and not trying to force my DD into a set schedule meant that she found her own schedule and it worked!

gone you held your child out of a window?

More than 50% of babies sleep like this. It's normal, it's not a baby sleep problem, it's a problem that we've built a society that doesn't work around it. :/
Bedsharing helps a lot because baby will partially wake, find themselves safe with you, and fall back asleep. If they are alone in their cot they tend to partially wake, find themselves alone, and wake fully to cry - being alone isn't safe or normal for a pre-industrial baby and evolution doesn't work as fast as society.

As they get older, sleep will change on its own. Circadian rhythms are just starting to get established now, so you'll probably at least start to notice that baby is more likely to be sleepy at night. Going outside a lot in daylight helps with that.

And as their brains develop they become capable of feeling safe without you there. They can remember that you exist and feel safe knowing that they are in a familiar place. Then they sleep better alone, too.
And sadly, 12 hours is just a guideline. My boy has never slept anything like that much. He's an absolutely lovely wonderfully happy easygoing child, but he sleeps maybe 10 hours tops in 24. Adults vary a lot in how much they sleep too - Thatcher only slept 4 hours a night, so I'm just hoping that his kind nature lasts!
Honestly, all I can say is to just remember that this too shall pass. Be kind to each other and try to make sure each of you gets a chance to sleep before you fall apart, and you'll soon find that your baby sleeps much more and so do you.

The nodding off mid feed is a problem, you need to keep her awake long enough to have a full feed (otherwise she'll keep waking for a top up feed). Try rubbing her feet and undo the babygrow. You could also do a 'dream feed' at about 10pm, where you wake her for a feed to 'reset' her sleep pattern.
Make sure to get up all her wind before she falls asleep (trapped wind will cause pain and wake her)
We put a fleece blanket on the cot(well tucked in so secure) so there are no cold patches.
Try to have her drowsy rather than asleep, before putting her in her cot.
Is she getting enough daytime naps?

I remember these days and nights my baby used to go back down after night feeding then wake screaming every 20 minutes when she was 6 months and I'd gone back to work. I was a zombie and cried most days. Nothing we tried worked but it got better when she was about ten months and suddenly started sleeping through the night. I'm afraid it's just a case of ride it out and wait for them to get bigger .

Yes we have a sling. My wife is quite small and our daughter is big for her I'm told (14lb 14oz) so she cant keep her in a sling for too long. I'm at work during the day so I'm not able to do this though she spends a long time with me when i am home over the weekends.

We havent tried putting her on her front but could give it a go. She is good at tummy time and doesn't kick up a fuss when we put her on her front during the day,

It sure is hell - I suspect most of us have been there.

Things to try.........

• dummy - it won't do her a whit of harm. The only problem is that if they learn to sleep with them, they wake up when it drops out and they cannot put them back in, so they wake you! But sometimes a dummy can buy you a bit of time to sleep!

• a "hot lamb" - like a soft toy but with what I call a wheat worm in it - you heat that up, put it in the lamb and they can snuggle up against the warmth. Here's one where you heat the whole toy: www.amazon.co.uk/MICROWAVEABLE-HEATED-CUDDLY-HEATABLE-MICROWAVE/dp/B00FKXVMV8 If you snuggle it in round her tummy it might feel a bit like Mum's warmth when cuddling.

• I bought my GS one of these when things were getting desperate: www.johnlewis.com/easidream-ewan-the-dream-sheep/p231141258

• back in the day we would have given a bit of high-carb baby rice mixed with breast milk last thing at night, but I guess this is probably frowned on now, so please pretend I did not say that! But it does knock them out, like suet pud and custard does to us.

• can you find any reason why she is waking so much? Try keeping a diary of what she eats and when, how wakeful she is, what position she is in, noises/lights, where she is sleeping etc. See if there is a pattern. When you are sleep-deprived it is often hard to remember what you have done and a diary helps to make it a bit more scientific.

• put something in the cot that smells of Mum or of breast milk - obviously nothing that could inadvertently suffocate her. We used to try a muslin with drops of breast milk on, then we would wrap that tightly round the mattress at the head end over the cot sheet. Like an extra layer of sheet really, but one that smells of Mum.

• get some help in the house from family, so that Mum can dedicate herself to catching up on sleep in the day if a rare moment of daytime baby sleep occurs. Let them shop/clean/cook etc. Sleep has to be the priority for both of you in order to stay sane.

• I am sure that you have looked at the colic/uncomfortable digestive system option and tried the gripewater/infacol type options. Back in the day, gripewater had a tiny amount of alcohol in it would you believe?! We merrily shovelled it down them!

• don't panic! Many babies are like this, but it does come to an end, honest guv! I wish you lots if good luck. for you both.

When she's sitting up, she can go on your wife's back which is so much easier. I have a connecta carrier. In 5ft and a size 8 so I know it's difficult when small but with a good carrier I still carry my 22 pound toddler haha. You'll crack it. Just remember that all babies are different and just go with your intuition. There's no magic fix it and sometimes being a parent is just really shit.

Also don't try to change every single thing at once - make one, max two, changes and see how it goes. If it works, great, if not try something else.

I swore by the no cry sleep solution, but I'm not sure if more books are what you need.

Also I wouldn't suggest putting a bf baby in another room, that means your DW will be up and down all night getting cold and even more tired. At least if baby is next to her bed she can just reach out and grab her.

I have to admit, if I'd heard of those co-sleeping cots which bolt onto the side of your bed I would have got one, I think they really would have helped with DS.

I agree with verypunny - my 12 week old DS was a terrible sleeper in the day and at night, until one night I was at my wits end and gently flipped him over on to his tummy. He now sleeps very well and is currently a very happy baby. I know it is recommended they sleep on their backs, but I think some babies just can't get comfortable in that position!

If your baby is small then physically they just can't last that long. You may find that when she reaches a certain weight then things will get better very quickly (I did). I would also recommend that you make a very clear divide between day and night. From say 10pm it's dark room, quiet etc but from 6am onwards its 'daytime' so that's light, perhaps travel cot downstairs, background noise etc.
Before you know it she'll be all grown up!
Best wishes.

Do you have a baby bjorn sling? I had one to start with but it hurt my back and doesn't carry the baby in the recommended M position. I now have a manduca which is much better. The NCT run sling libraries where you can go and try on different slings and then hire one.

If you want to give co-sleeping a go then try putting your mattress on the floor and read up on how to minimise the risks.

My ds is 14 months and spends most of the night co-sleeping. I'm trying to get him to use his comforter more and will be very pleased when he can use this to settle himself back to sleep. I am hoping it won't be too long now.

I could have written your post back when my DS was tiny. At five weeks old we bought one of these and it literally saved our sanity.

Love To Swaddle Up Orignal, Small Blue 3-6kg https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B005MATOM8/ref=cmswwrcppapi_lNVmxbH4F9TS7

By five months he was sleeping through 7-7 and as soon as he started to roll over on a night we swapped him to a regular grobag.

I think she's overtired. If she is only napping for 40 mins in the day then that's too little. My advice would be to sort daytime sleep first. If she breastfeeds to sleep, and will sleep if your wife lies down with her. She probably needs 3 naps- every 2 hours or so (roughly). Also it will give your wife a chance to sleep.

Some babies find their cots are too big. Apparently the Sleepyhead makes them feel warm and cosy like they are being held.

Night feeds are unfortunately par for the course at this stage, so I wouldn't change anything there but once she's napping a bit better in the day, the night sleep will improve.

I second the suggestion to improve things very gradually, one at a time. Also don't discount the possibility that she is beginning to teeth and is also uncomfortable.

My DD woke up every hour from 20 weeks to 11 months.

Nothing worked.

It doesn't last forever though

My baby is about the same age as yours. What we have found in the last weeks is that she finds holding something very soothing. It's actually very cute to watch: when you put something into her left hand in goes her left thumb and she is instantly calm. Often she drifts off to sleep this way.

What we have done is given her a small comforter toy that she only has at night and can hold on to and that she associates with sleeping. It might be worth seeing if your baby also finds holding to be soothing?

My baby also finds motion to be waking, although sound does not bother her at all. What I do is feed her to sleep in my bed (we coslept until recently - I loved it, by the way, and only felt worried the first couple of nights) and then move her over to the cot when we go to bes. She is normally so deeply asleep that this doesn't wake her, and she is so cosy in her sleeping bag that the difference in temperature is less noticeable.

I've had two children like this so you have my sympathy. It's a small thing and may have been mentioned up thread but does she sleep in a sleeping bag? That made a bit of difference with mine because there was no temperature change from them being in my arms to hitting a cold mattress, so I could transfer them back (in slow motion, one inch at a time) to the basket without them realising it.

I would also suggest for both your sanity that on either a Friday/Saturday night (assuming you work Mon-Fri) you take over the whole night and bottle feed while your wife sleeps in another room, with ear plugs in if necessary! Then you can sleep all day. My husband did this a couple of times when he could see I was at the end of my rope and it was magical. I refused at first thinking the baby would be upset without me but she wasn't. And just getting one night of unbroken sleep gave me so much energy for the next few days, stopped me feeling so depressed, it was such a good thing.

Nothing else to say except this is all totally normal and it will pass eventually. Yes there are people whose babies miraculously sleep through the night. Avoid them like the plague

My DS2 is 8 months and still wakes at night for a feed. He generally goes back off to sleep quite quick as we co sleep.
I know when I'm in for a bad night if he has had bad naps in the day. I would really try to get your DD to nap more during the day. DS2 is also very heavy so I've never managed a sling but bouncing in a bouncy chair, pushing back and forth in the pushchair sometimes works. If you read about overtired babies it explains why over tiredness can lead to less sleep.
From DS1 I know how quickly things change so just tell myself it's not forever when DS2 is up for a night time party.
If all else fails I would take it in turns, as much as you can with your wife, to sleep. DP or I will sleep on settee/ one of us has a lie in/ one has an afternoon nap. Get your sleep where you can if you know nights are bad.
Last week was terrible, DS2 fighting naps and up for hours in the night. Since Saturday he's had good naps and slept 830 till 8, waking for feeds but back off quick. I'm sure sleep makes more sleep for babies.
It won't be forever. DS1 is 12 now and sleeps as much as he can. We have the problem of trying to get him out of bed!

Wow, thanks everyone. Im currently at work so ive skimmed these but i'll read more thoroughly at home.
No, she doesn't nap during the day. Again we have real issues with her going to sleep during the day. She had a sleep today but only managed 20 minutes before she woke up. She suddenyl gets grouchy and makes lots of straining sounds.

I would be acting to rule out silent reflux. Google it. A hammock might be very helpful for you. There are also other things that a GP or pharmacist could advise on.

Where does she sleep during the day? DS2 mainly naps on me. He would sleep in bouncer when he was smaller but only if I kept bouncing it. He never slept in his moses basket. If she will sleep for longer if she is held I would forget about any other jobs that need doing and just hold her.
I always get set up with water and snacks and the tv remote. I do feed him to sleep but I'm not worried at all about bad sleep habits. I did the same with DS1 and he just grew out of it. If it gets your DD to sleep just go with it.
This time really does pass so quickly and you miss that tiny baby sleeping on your lap.

If she doesn't nap well in the day then that may be a huge part of your problem. I'd concentrate on trying to sort naps first & you may find she will then start to go longer at night. Not sleep through but give you a break. The baby must be just as exhausted as you both.

I truly feel for you. I think co sleeping, which I was dead against to begin with, may have saved my sanity.

I haven't read every response, too at baby out the window! So sorry if repeating.

Don't put her in a separate room! That means the baby wakes fully and gets worked up before you get to them. Plus your wife has to wake, get out of bed and haul the baby out of the cot.
My advice is to co sleep. It can be done safely, just google how. Dh and I have a big bed, ds in the middle and we have separate covers so nothing covers him. It means that when he wakes at night he knows he's safe, he can roll in and feed and I barely wake. It's much, much better.
Other than that, I'm afraid you e just got a bad sleeper. Try various things but bugger all has worked with our little one (sigh.)
One thing that helps me is dh gets up when ds wakes fully. He takes him downstairs at 5-6 am and gets a head start on emails, and I get an hour of sleep.
Please do this for your wife (no excuses about having a demanding job please! Dh has a long hours demanding job and does it!) and at the weekend give her several hours baby free so she can sleep. You have to work as a team.