Breadtfeeding and co-sleeping. Was I wrong all along?

[bunny85]

Hello. I just need to get this off my chest. I'm so exhausted I can barely think straight. I'm EBF and co-sleeping with my 5 months old son. When I was pregnant, I read lots of books which all said that breastfeeding and co-sleeping with your baby is very good for them, both physically and emotionally, and this is why I thought it was the way to go. The sleep issue has always been there from day one, but we thought he'd overgrow it. Then when that never happened, I thought ok 4 month sleep regression must be coming. Now he's 5 months old and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, what is more people (other mummies I made friends with) tell me this is because of BF and co-sleeping that he doesn't sleep well, apparently these babies wake much more often. All their babies either sleep through, or wake twice very briefly, in their cots, have a bath and a bottle in the evening and drift off by themselves. I can't help but thinking have I made a permanent rod for my own back? My son doesn't take a dummy/bottle anymore. I just realised I haven't even described my problem yet. He goes to bed at around 7pm after a bath. I feed him to sleep lying down and sneak away after he's asleep. He then keeps waking every 10-15mins for a few times until finally goes to sleep deeply (I feed him again every time). He then would wake every 1.5-2.5h through the night which is fine as I'm used to it now, but lately he's taken to play every single night for exactly 2h before going back to sleep. He coos, squeals and laughs and is very loud. We tried ignoring him, playing with him to make him tired quicker, nothing works. It happens at different time each night. Then up every 1.5-2h again. How do I stop that? He hasn't been like this before and am sure he knows the difference between day and night by now. Has anyone experienced this? Is it because of BF and co-sleeping? Is there anything I can do to stop it? I'm so so very tired and so is my husband who works a lot but helps me nevertheless. I just feel so sorry for him.
Thanks for getting this far, sorry I've rambled quite a bit..

Mrscog, spot on about smelling milk and deciding going for a snack - just what he does. No Cry Sleep Solution book says exactly the same, too. As for the loud music - well, I might give it a go, let's see what my husband says about that one haha!

Lenibose, hats off to you for finding the strength to stick to your guns. Not sure if I can do the same in the state of exhaustion I currently am. I think I'm going to have to try something similar, but it's gotta be after a good couple of nights... Sometimes when I wake yet again in the middle of the night, desperate to go back to sleep, I find it easier to just stick a boob into his mouth and he'll be asleep in 10 mins again... I probably have zero will power

Artandco, thank you for some great advice. Read it last night and already tried your suggestions right away. Report: 5pm nap totally refused. No matter what I did he wouldn't sleep. Got tired by 6.30-7pm as usual so I thought I'd just bath him and proceed as normal. Then during the night OH sent me to sleep in the spare room and I could hear baby cry. After some time he stopped. In the morning, OH told me he rocked him and he fell asleep within 10mins. Proving he can be rocked to sleep with no boob. Going to stick to spreading out feeds and see how it goes. Also will try moving bedtime later again tonight.

Itsgoingtoofast, thank you for your kind words. I hope I'm a good mum, I'm trying to do the best I can for my child, but it's a learn as you go process as I'm a FTM and all family live too far. Yes I'm going to get some Calpol. It absolutely could be teeth.

Jess, you are right. On top of that, he's not even taking a bottle anymore (I tried expressing)

RNBrie, I totally understand. There were night where I thought I'd die or end up with some health issue due to sleep deprivation. I still don't think id be able to do the CC, but I'm aware of 'never say never'

That's great. At least you know now he can be settled relatively quickly without being fed. It also means you and Dh can share the wake ups as your not needed at every one. Hopefully this helps him not wake up so frequently.

Also I think there's a false thinking where many think everything has to be all one way or another. So breastfeeding and co sleeping means no routine or the alternative only being controlled crying. This is incorrect and you can still add a general routine and settle without feeding, without resorting to controlled crying for example. A child being soothed by stroking face, cuddles and lullabies is being just as comforted as feeding.

Yes now I can see it's possible. I used to him only boob will do.

As for spreading out feeds during the day, there's just one thing which is not clear. I'm reading No Cry Sleep Solution book which suggests just the opposite - feeding very often in the day so that the calorie requirement is met and baby is supposed to wake less often at night. That's what I've been doing. Do you think I should change that?

*used to think

Hi just started replying then realised you've already started making changes and I don't want to overload you with suggestions - sounds like you've had some good advice already. Keep us posted with how it's going, and if you need any more help I may be able to offer a few things that have worked for us that maybe worth a try. The one thing I would say is on night wakings have as little interaction as possible - avoid eye contact, definitely no playing, etc.

Also re your feeding question, I feed frequently during the day and DD2 sleeps well at night but it is a balance, you want to try to get enough good quality feeds into then - With DD1 I had to reduce feed frequency a little, so she fed for longer when she did feed and got more of the high calorie hind milk. If your DD is having long feeds then I wouldn't bother reducing feed frequency.

Bunny - I would feed on demand in the day, and just spread feeds out overnight. That way you can be reassured they are full before they sleep

*sorry I mean I wouldn't bother reducing feed frequency during the day, obviously do (as you are now trying to do) at night!

Exactly the same with DS 1 - thought I was going to die at one point. He was s blessed nightmare until he was about 2.5 then he just started to sleep.

Did exactly the same with ds2 - co sleep, breastfed to sleep for naps/ at night, the lot. He slept through from 10 months.

I reckon it's the baby not the method

Bunny just to reassure you that it's nothing you've done - my DS was (mostly) formula fed, never allowed to sleep in our bed, generally did everything that should have meant he slept through from an early age. He finally started to sleep through the night just before his third birthday.

DD was breastfed, co-sleeper, constantly in the sling, she has slept through consistently since she was 18 months. I honestly think that if you get a baby who doesn't want to sleep then nothing will change that.

The one thing that did help us was once DD was asleep I would put her on DH's side of the bed so she couldn't smell my milk, it's definitely worth a try!

I think it's as much personality. DD was bf and coslept and slept like a dream. DS was bf but not coslept and wanted feeding every hour as a tiny.
Re the specific issues, firstly YEs it will get better. It will get better if you switch to bottles and a cot, it will get better if you carry on as you are.
Cluster feeding in the evenings is very common. If you're not comfy feeding every 15 minutes or whatever it is you could take him for a walk round the block or give him to your partner and have a break.
Waking and playing in the night - sounds like he's a bit confused about the difference between day and night. Is it dark in your room? Def don't respond beyond offering a cuddle when he's lying down. Do you need to be awake when he's playing?

Maybe try moving away from actually feeding to sleep every time? Feed, remove boob, cuddle. Even if you do end up feeding to sleep sometimes, if they aren't always expecting boob in mouth they're less likely to wake and be cross when it isn't iyswim?

Newmum, thanks for you suggestion re feeding, it's true I did notice that when I started doing as the book suggested and offered boob more frequently (he never refuses it btw) he started (unsurprisingly) cutting feelings short. I wonder if that's also a part of the problem..

Artandco, you see, he erm never demands really! The possible reason behind could be that I feed him to sleep before each nap which are 2h apart, so I suppose now his nap times coincide with him getting hungry, since he hardly asks for food in an obvious way as he used to when he was a newborn. Don't know if this is a good or bad thing?

PotteringAlong, so hard when its a first born who is a blessed nightmare isn't it! Well done for going for no 2 anyway, as for me I'm not so sure anymore! It put me off having more children. However after a good night I get back to my usual broody self.

Rockchick, that's something to consider re sleeping on the other side! And thanks for reassurance... I could really do with some!

Catkind, I didn't know that about cluster feeding in the evenings. Yes that's the way he's always been. Every 15-30mins for several hours on end! Usually from 7pm when he goes down until 9-10 easily then about that time I just go to feed and stay there in bed with him for the night.

That's sounds fine. I just mean I would offer food more regularly in the day like you are every 2hrs so you know he's tanked up at night and then you can be happier knowing he isn't hungry more than every 3 -4 hrs overnight if he's had feeds every 2 hrs between say 7am and 10pm.

The thing about the second one is that you have such low sleep expectations you're pleasantly surprised when it's better

Newmum, forgot to add, please all suggestions are very welcome and appreciated! I'm willing to try anything really. Except for CIO perhaps.

Artandco, yes that's how pretty much things are at the moment in the day. Let's see if I can manage the night now in terms of spreading feeds out.

Potteringalong, it's true, when things get so bad they probably can't get any worse, so the next one is almost guaranteed to be a pleasant surprise

Also I would try not to feed him to sleep for naps in the day. It will make it far easier at night for him not to be used to feeding = sleeping

I bf on demand with DD but didn't co sleep as such, DD had a moses basket right next to my side of the bed at bed height so I could feed whenever she woke.

Co sleeping sounds like a lovely idea and I would have loved to do it. But I think it only really works if you are able to sleep through the baby's light wakings. I am too much of a light sleeper and would wake up whenever DD moved. As she got older I had to move her cot to the other side of the room because I would hear her and think she was awake, but actually she was just noisy

Do you think it might help if you kept him close but in his own cot? Sort of co sleeping but with a bit of a gap so you dont feel every movement? As pp said he might smell the milk so a little distance might help him too. You can get cots that have drop sides designed for putting right up to the bed. Sorry not good at doing links.