fuck of with your 'helpful' opinions

[FindingNormal]

I've posted on here before about my 9 mo's shit sleep and don't make a secret of the fact it's killing me night by night. However I just need a rant given I keep getting 'advice' where I don't ask for it and it's starting to fuck me right off. Example from today - was at a sensory centre and some stranger starts chatting to me- that's fine , I mean I'm not big on small talk if I'm honest but hey ho. Get the usual isn't my daughter cute - yes, yes she is blah blah blah. Then comes the 'is she good?'. I fucking hate this- I always feel like saying "well, no she goes out and robs petrol stations of a weekend" but smile and say oh yes she's lovely. Then get the - 'does she sleep?'. So I say no she doesn't really and immediately this fucking random person starts telling me I should let her cry and that i should introduce some tough love. Why the hell do fuckwits get off telling me what to do like that? My personal view is that I'd be being cruel to let her cry. She needs me and wants comfort from me so that's what she'll get. I absolutely do not judge anyone who does cc or cio but it's not right for me and my family. Why do i get looked at like I'm a dick for not letting her cry? And why do randoms think I'll appreciate their precious little pearls of wisdom. Wankers.

kbro79

Ha ha kbro. I think I will just start lying. And say the bags under my eyes are from all the late nights making mad passionate love to my husband. Pfft.

Omg kbro LOVE it, this bit in particular cracked me up:

"Your baby may settle when you cuddle them but this is just your baby being spiteful. When you’re not around they call their baby friends and laugh about you behind their back."

I remember those days (and those comments). They were grim, but my youngest is now 6, and I am starting to take sleep for granted once more.

During the time of grim sleeplessness, the nicest comment I had was from the woman at toddler group who said "isn't your daughter lucky to have a mother who can meet her needs even when it gets really tough".

So that's what I'll say to you, too.

Jasper what a lovely thing to say. Thank you.

Its annoying. I'm a advocate of cc but never recommend it to others!
Just say yes and avoid the conversation! You're doing what's right for you

The only correct response to someone who says "oh X, y, or z really works why don't you try that" is "thanks for volunteering to give it a whirl, I'll drop DC off at 5. What do you mean you're not going to do it? You've just been telling me how it really worked for you and how easy it was"

Seriously, do people think we're googling "how to get your baby/toddler to sleep before you drop dead from exhaustion" at 3am for a laugh?

I've had 4 years of shit sleep, I look like an extra from the Thriller video and my memory is all to shit.

kbro79's link made me laugh though. At bit hysterically but only because it's all true.

This is SO my life right now! If one more fucking person tries to give me the advice (and yes I know it's well meant) I'll not be responsible for my actions. Doesn't help having a mum who is an avid diary keeper and csn look back at my own baby years to say helpful things like 'well you were sleeping through by 3 months' 'I gave you cows milk at 6 months. That's the solution to your DD's sleep.'

The classic is of course 'just give her formula'. I would, oh believe me I would, but she won't take a bottle! Really, I am not making this shit up!!!

My son didn't sleep through any night until he was three. I was destroyed. He started sleeping through the week I had another baby! Luckily this one is a cracking sleeper.

If I had my time back, I'd have co slept, he's just a sensitive kid. We did try cc etc.

I had a first baby that slept thru from about eight weeks and a second that didn't til she was three I didn't have a sudden massive change in parenting I just had a beautiful baby that didn't sleep. I know it's seems impossible but it will end, it's NOT a reflection on your parenting and you are doing a great job. My dd still doesn't like going to sleep and struggles to sleep thru and she's twenty something now.

I completely understand how you feel, I used to feel completely knocked by those comments and it made me doubt my approach. I tried to do many of the things people suggested but they just either didn't work, or caused us all to be distressed.

Only you know what works for your family, you know your dd, and you know how to comfort her. I gradually accepted that and thought stuff you to the advise. Now I smile and wave.

I watch the sharp intakes of breath and looks of horror that I'm open about dd co-sleeping. I don't care if it doesn't work for every house, it works for ours and that's all I care about. The fact I now say it openly and with happy confidence means people don't give me the well meaning but oh so annoying advice.

Trust your gut op, it will serve you well. And for the rest of the "advice".... It's white noise, smile and wave.

Hope you had a peaceful night

Actually, I'm going to swim against the tide here and say ...

Most people mean well

It might be worth taking a moment to consider what she's saying (that doesn't mean buying into what she's saying).

Presumably she's raising/has raised a baby herself. We can hold on to our own views very rigidly - it does us good to question and consider them from time to time. Learn from other people's experiences.

Did you ask her any questions for example, about how that approached worked for her - for people she knows?

I strongly believe that emphasis we see in modern parenting on a philosophy and the 'one true way' is damaging. What works for and is right for one baby doesn't work for the next. Why not listen to the experiences of the many mothers who have done this before us?

I want to stress that I'm not talking about blindly accepting this advice - but giving it some space in your head, mulling it over. I like the grapes and pips analogy used earlier. I guess the point is chew the grape rather than rejecting it with horror.

Purple you could be me. Dd won't have a bottle either- I like to think it's because my boobs are SO AMAZING.

And no I didn't ask for advice- otherwise I wouldn't be cross about getting it . What I'm coming to understand is that there's no point- what works for one baby doesn't for another. Dd is (as are all babies) unique. And there's really no point in my asking people about cc type approaches as it just isn't applicable for us.

Thanks all for your kindness- sometimes it can feel like we're doing everything wrong.

The three worst words for a stressed-out exhausted parent to hear:

"Have you tried...?"

They're all different. I went for a coffee last week with someone whose baby was Born the week after mine (mine was a bit early so essentially Both 4 months.)

Her chubby little angel slept through the whole thing, woke briefly for a decorous feed, yawned and got popped back in the pram. .. My scrawny little dervish has refused to lie down in a pram for a month now, attempts to grab anything within reach for taste testing, wants to look at a full 360 degrees of cafe and babbles away at full volume. He does not sleep. Not at night, not in the day. She'd been to yoga with baby where she just places the infant on a mat and gets on with the workout. I haven't slept more than a two hour stretch for months and look like death.

I felt like 'what the hell am I doing wrong here?!?'

I've got a bad sleeper too. She's 19 months old now and it has got better finally. We all go to bed together about 9 and she sleeps through more or less. (Well semi-wakes a couple of times and cries if she can't find my boob). I know a lot of people would think that is bad but it's the best we've been able to come up with. We did actually try cc for a little bit but she cried for hours and hours, three nights running and we saw no improvement and she still was waking every hour or so throughout the night. I was a zombie for a very long time before we just realised she could sleep in our bed and it worked much better. That was when she was about 12/13 months. I can't drive but if I could I wouldn't have been fit to if I could, I was barely functioning.

I think the best way to deal with comments is, when people say 'does she sleep', just sort of laugh and say something like 'when she wants to/sometimes/' and try and change the subject. People are just looking for something to say. Actually I know some people out there will think that me and you have done it wrong and our babies would sleep if they looked after them, but they aren't and it's up to us.

It will get better one day.

Skipton you're not doing anything wrong. Your baby is interested in the world - that is a positive thing.

Am sure people do mean well but unsolicited advice can start to get more exhausting than the sleepless nights themselves. It would be a bit like me asking someone where their jumper is from and taking that as a sign they would love to hear some fashion advice off me 'have you tried wearing fashionable clothes' You just wouldn't do it!!

normal and purple that is so tough for you about the bottle. However if it's any consolation formula makes no difference what so ever to DS sleep.

skipton DS is the same. When we do nct coffees everyone else's baby is in the pram whilst mine is on my lap, pulling my hair, 'chatting' in the highest pitched tone ever, reaching for hot drinks and knives and wanting my boob so he can feed for 3 seconds at a time every few minutes.

Yes he's bright as a button, and a real joy.

I do wish he'd sleep though! I think the world is just too interesting.

hang on in there, it is just tough. Sleep deprivation is brutal.