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Original poster

oh my god, how on earth does anyone do controlled crying? I'd rather not sleep for 18 years

44 replies

oranges · 14/12/2006 22:50

ds, 8 months is a terrible sleeper so the hv suggested going cold turkey and leaving him to cry in the cot. So tonight I kissed him, put him down and went into the next room determined to ignore him if he started crying. I lasted TWO minutes - he was making such juddering sobs I've never heard him make before. I'd swear he was having a panic attack. He's such a good natured, happy baby, I just can't do that to him (or me) again. Am I just too soft, or is it normal for babies to get THAT panicky when left?

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imdreamingofawhiteKITTYmas · 14/12/2006 22:55

I'm doing no cry sleep solution by elizabeth pantley theres a support thread on here somewhere, it's a gradual withdrawal thing rather than CC which I couldn't do either (also I have 2 yo sleeping next door and DP gets up at 6am for work).

marymillington · 14/12/2006 22:58

I think you are just not desperate enough yet. And 8 months is still young. We were only hard enough for it aftre 15 months. And he must have been too - only took two nights.

nearlythree · 14/12/2006 23:00

I could never do cc with a baby. Pantley has some good ideas, never enough to crack the sleep for my dds but enough to save my sanity!

TooTickyDoves · 14/12/2006 23:02

I have 4 children and have never done cc. Wouldn't even consider it. Horrid.

Cuddles are much better.

Original poster
oranges · 14/12/2006 23:03

I can be a cold hearted bitch when it comes to most things, but i REALLY got the feelign he was going to have an asthma attack or something with the crying. What is the no cry sleep solution? I think I found the thread but it has over 600 posts. Please don't make me read them all!

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kiskidee · 14/12/2006 23:09

its time they start a new ncss (no cry sleep solution) thread if you ask me oranges. why don't you do it for them?

in the meantime, \link{http://www.bawlingbabies.blogspot.com/this website) will make you feel even better about not doing cc.

kiskidee · 14/12/2006 23:10

i mean here

TinsellyRhino · 14/12/2006 23:11

I would never even consider CC EVER

There are others was that DO work

good luck

aliceband · 14/12/2006 23:13

i remember crawling out of the bedroom, so babe didnt see me leaving!

hulababy · 14/12/2006 23:17

I couldn't have done it with a baby. We did use CC - or rather controlled shouting out and whinging! - when DD was 20 months old. And that was difficult enough. It did work very quickly thoughh - by day 2 we had big changes in in just 3 or 4 days it was mostly sorted.

Original poster
oranges · 14/12/2006 23:18

Thanks for the link kiskidee. I'd never thought of it before, but cc does seem to 'disempower' the very weakest in society i.e the baby.

This passage rang true too - it did seem that ds was in physical pain when I picked him up:

Although there is no way of knowing for sure, it has been suggested that when left alone to cry, babies feel threatened and abandoned (Buckley 2005, p. 265; Buckley 2006) and experience feelings of terror and hopelessness

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Original poster
oranges · 14/12/2006 23:19

Hulababy and Marymillington - do you think cc worked later because the children had more idea of cause and effect? Or was it just because you were more desperate for sleep?

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kiskidee · 14/12/2006 23:24

one bit i liked said, referring to cc, that 'no evidence of harm' is not the same thing as 'evidence of no harm'.

hulababy · 14/12/2006 23:28

We were pretty desperate for sleep! 20 months of broken nights gets very tiring! And as they get older I think you know their cried more. DD was very verbal by that age and she wasn't crying as such - she was whinging and calling out. Hearing her shout for me was horrible, but you can persevere longer as you know at thata ge they are fine. I did do much reduced time gaps though - 2 min, 3 min, etc. And I stayed close by and she knew I was there but not in her room. She was also in a bed by then as well but knew not to get out of bed - she didn't push that at all.

For us it was more about her waking and not being able to settle herself during the night rather than at bedtime itself.

Tatties · 14/12/2006 23:40

You are not too soft Oranges. I think you are right to trust your instincts on this one. CC may solve a problem but it worries me what you have to put the child (and yourself) through to get there.

Original poster
oranges · 15/12/2006 00:29

well he's asleep now after sobbing in my arms for twenty minutes. Not sure what that proves. I don't think I'll be trying it again though.

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katelyle · 15/12/2006 00:33

I like that about "disempowering the weakest in society", Oranges - that sums up what I feel about cc. Waking in the night is what babies do. Getting up to them is (sadly!) what parents do. It really is for such a short time - even if it feels like a life time. Before you know it, they'll be 14 and you won't be able to get them OUT of bed!

marymillington · 15/12/2006 10:06

to be honest, we didn't really do controlled crying as per the book. we went in and reassured him and told him he had to stay in his own bed when crying or shouting reached a crescendo. he can really scream too, and i felt evil, but he was asleep within an hour and slept all night for the first time ever. the next night we had some grumbling and one big shriek, but from then on he was fine. and a much happier and better rested little boy, too.

yes, i think it worked because the time was right - both because he was older and more able both to cope and understand what was going on, and because we really really needed some unbroken sleep by this point.

DINOsaurmummykissingsantaclaus · 15/12/2006 10:13

oranges, I did controlled crying with my DS1 when he was even younger than yours is now and have felt guilty and regretful about it ever since. DS2 fortunately learned to sleep pretty much on his own and with DS3 we did a sort of "pat and shush" thing which took a lot lot longer but got us there in the end (almost killed me though!).

Original poster
oranges · 15/12/2006 11:07

Why do you feel regretful Dino? Did it not work, or do you think it has affected him somehow?

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DINOsaurmummykissingsantaclaus · 15/12/2006 11:11

It did work, really quickly, but I've read so much stuff since then about how damaging it is for a young baby to be left to cry (see in particular a book called "Why Love Matters" by Sue Gerhardt (I think)) that I really worry about how much harm it did him.

Spidermama · 15/12/2006 11:16

I always felt the same way you do oranges. They're tiny babies fgs who can't do anything for themselves. It's only natural for their survival that they are heard and dealt with when distressed.

I'm of the opinion that control crying probably damages their confidence in the long term.

Original poster
oranges · 15/12/2006 11:41

Its hard to tell what harms its done though Dino and Sue Gerhardt says herself that the baby also needs the mother to be happy and calm. I just think that I made the decision to work from home this year, breastfeed, wean on home cooked food, so I may as well take the tough but virtuous option over sleep as well.

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DINOsaurmummykissingsantaclaus · 15/12/2006 11:46

I know that it's not possible to tell what part any one individual element plays in our overall make-up. I wouldn't have the same qualms about doing cc or at least a modified version thereof with an older child - I think that Gerhardt herself acknowledges that the cortisol response is fixed by about 12 or 18 months, and I do think that a mother who is chronically sleep-deprived may not be a terribly good mother.

santasweetdreamer · 15/12/2006 11:48

oranges I feel exactly the same!

and they do eventually grow out of broken nights themselves!