My co-sleeping high needs baby fell asleep on his own for the first time. I cried.

[cosmicdancer89]

I've been posting around for a few weeks now in desperation of getting my 6.5 m.o DS to sleep better/fall asleep without a boob-and-arm-numbing-rock routine. He's high needs, very active and determined, never ever slept in his cot, never fell asleep without an aid (stroller/sling/boob). Co-sleeping became shit (he would still wake 4/5 times a night ,sometimes to comfort suckle, sometimes he wouldn't resettle til he was rocked again), doesn't take dummy, etc. Textbook high needs bad sleeper.

I saw my NCT friends yesterday and all their babies go down without bottle/breast/rocking, two of them STTN, the breastfed one feeds twice a night but definitely doesn't wake every hour. They take naps in their cots so the mums can actually CLEAN the house, make food, etc.

My baby only slept in my arms, would wake up right when he was put down. This meant I got nothing done, had to go to bed with him at 8pm, no intimacy with DP, no chance to work on my freelance writing (that was the plan - work from home once he's 6 months.. Hahahaha).

Anyway, something snapped in me last night and I did our usual bedtime routine, bath/feed/walk around the darkened room calmly singing to him, except then instead of getting into bed with him and letting him nurse to sleep, or rocking him and then laying beside him, I..... Put him in his cot. I got a chair, put it beside the cot, and.. Well. The next two and a half hours were NOT fun. He screamed. Cried his heart out. I cried too. But I made up my mind - no picking up. I bent over into the cot to kiss him, I stroked his cheek, kept my hand on his belly, he thrashed and freaked and just wouldn't have it. After two hours of this I was ready to give up. But he eventually got tired, and fell asleep. He woke a few times that night, but was easier to resettle.

Today, he went down for a nap in his cot after protesting for 25 min. Again, I never left his bedside. His second nap he didn't cry as dramatically, more fussed.

And now, bedtime, he went down with 15 min of crying (again, not leaving his side).

I'm amazed. I never ever ever ever thought this would work. I felt shit knowing if I rocked him he'd stop crying and sleep but honestly our co-sleeping situation was NOT making him or me happy -- sure he'd fall asleep, but he didn't stay asleep, and I was knackered and starting to get really irritable at my lovely DS.

I know people say - oh they just want cuddles and contact, just enjoy it, they're little -- well we did enjoy it until it stopped working for us and made everyone feel like shit. What's the point in persevering with something that doesn't work well anymore?

Anyway, I wanted to post this for reassurance for anyone who's in my situation. That first "cot sleep" moment will be horrible, be prepared to be dysfunctional for the following day and get HELP from friends and family. I'll keep everyone updated on how our week goes. But I can only hope it'll keep improving as I've already seen improvement in just one day.

Oh and I would never ever just leave him to cry alone in his room. I mare sure he wasn't hungry etc., goes without saying I think. But he did get tired in the end and now he knows he is able to fall asleep without mummy and man, do I feel a massive weight lifted off my shoulders !!!

Our major problem is his persistence. He just does not tire of crying. I promised myself I wouldn't pick him up between his 3-5am wake up and he just wakes at 4.40, screams til 6.15 and is up for the day at 7. It's completely unsustainable for me to function like this because he hardly naps at home, especially if overtired, so I never catch up on sleep and feel completely depressed and awful. So yeah I end up picking him up. I still don't rock or nurse which used to be his major props... But now I wish we were still co-sleeping because even though it wasn't ideal sleep and he still woke, I got more than 4 fckin hours a night.

I'm just so tired and down. This is literally all consuming. I don't ever feel like making plans or look forward to it because I'm literally just about surviving day by day. I feel resentful towards DS so often now, especially when seeing and talking to other mums of babies his age who just go down and stay down and don't put on a fucking battle of Stalingrad every single night. It's not fair, as I know it's not his fault.. But this exhaustion has screwed me to the point I'm not enjoying anything, not even him :( I'm seeing a counsellor next week cuz I'm pretty certain I've developed PND.

Anyway. Thanks for all the advice and warm words of support, everyone. This thread keeps me going in those early hours -- like now, he's been crying an hour and I know it'll last another 45 min at least and then he'll sleep for 20 and be up for the day , and here I will be, trying to have a functional day on 3.5 hours of sleep again... Oh man.....

Mine fed every 2 hours day and night and screamed bloody murder if I tried to fob him off until I stopped bf at 10mos. After I stopped bf he slept through. Those ten months nearly killed me.

The girls were a dream in comparison, including the brain-damaged one who could only feed at night.

Be kind to yourself. Is there no one who could take over for a night or two to try and give you some sleep?

Don't give up OP!!! You've come so far.

Cosmic, have you got someone that would take the baby overnight for you? Your Dh at the weekend or your mil or mum? Even though he wakes and it's a pita ask them for help, just for one night. I know he's mainly bf but you've said before he'll take a bottle. Then go home, have a hot bath and sleep the sleep of the dead.
Seriously, sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Ask for help from the people that love you.

Thanks everyone, it's hard because both mine and DP's families live abroad.. it was a lot easier for me when I was back home over the summer as I had people to take shifts and help. I'm going back again for Christmas for a month which I really can't wait for. In an ideal world I would have someone just take him off me at 7am til 11 so I could get that morning sleep, but all my friends work and there aren't any relatives around. DP takes him off me in the mornings in the weekends thank God -- I catch up on most of my sleep then, without that I would have totally crumbled by now.

The difficult part is that I feel like I've started doing this "training" for months even though it's basically just been like 9 nights. I think it's because progress has been so minimal..and everyone says you'll see improvement after 3/5 nights..

Shiteforbrains, this is why I want to keep going because I fear that as DS gets older and more mobile I would find this all a lot more difficult with him trying to escape the cot etc.you know one thing that sometimes works is bending over the cot and putting my head on his tummy and stroking his face.. He kind of is almost tricked into thinking I'm holding him.. But of course it doesn't always work haha. It's back breaking but you could try this tonight? How are your little one's naps in the day ? Does he only sleep in your arms as well?

I'm considering getting a sleep consultant so I can consistently get advice and perspective on my lowest days (which is like every day now haha). Read good rings about Andrea Grace. Isn't cheap but if it gives me encouragement and results am willing to spend any money!

Lenibose, thanks for all the helpful insight! I too have noticed my presence (especially if I'm hovering over him stroking him) pisses him off -- he either wants a full on cuddle and to be picked up or to be left on his own. I hate that I've basically been letting him CIO, only consolation is that I'm mostly present in the room, and that his cries go from really loud and alarmed for 3 min, then quiet and gurgling, then they stop, then cries again etc. It's never a full 40 min of crying. Still, I feel shit letting him do that, even though it does, more often than not, eventually result in him falling asleep. It's just that waiting for him to stop his crying / self settling attempts 4-5x a night (so if you add it up, he's up every hour or two, takes 40 minutes at least to self settle... You get the picture. Nobody gets any sleep ....)

Last thoughts. I think perseverance in training for 3/4 weeks would yield eventually results. But I would have to be prepared to basically not sleep at night and only catch up with sleep in the day. Except nobody can take him in the day! So I think, with super stubborn bad sleeping babies, you NEED someone to be around in the days to take baby off you and let you sleep. Otherwise you get into a loop of anxiety/exhaustion/overtiredness and that, no doubt, affects the baby as well...

I am so glad I've seen this thread. It is exactly what we're going through and I have just gone back to work (earlier than planned but long story) so the sleep issue feels worse than it did before. I'm watching and going to maybe give it all a go soon. Thank you all for sharing your experiences!

Op I dont want to hijack but may I ask what is a high needs baby? My dd is 15 months and has never slept much. She will nap once a day for approx 30 mins, and does not sleep well at night. Even as a newborn she slept little in comparison to other babies her age. I'm wondering could she be high needs?
We've tried sleep training many times but have seen no improvement.

Cosmic I hate to be the voice of doom but your DS may not be ready to sleep through the night. He is still very young. He has just learned a huge lesson, which is to go to bed by himself in the evening. That buys you a bit of time whether it is spent having a quick tidy, chatting to your DP, seeing a friend or just sleeping. There is nothing to stop you co-sleeping after his first wake up & getting some more sleep yourself. On three hours, you must feel utterly broken. It is bliss when they sleep through the night buy my oldest didn't do it reliably until she was 2.3 and my youngest is 3.5 and I still wake up a couple of times a week to find him next to me. Now that he has learned to climb over the foot of the bed, him coming into our bed doesn't disturb me at all so I am much less bothered! Over the years, we have tried every sleep method known to man for up to 10 nights at a time for things like gradual withdrawal or CC. It didn't work. It just made us all grumpier.
My children are lovely little people. Yes, I wish they had slept better and know both maternity leaves would have been transformed if they had but, in the end, I had to do what worked for us.
Nevertheless, if I ever have id twins I will hand one of them to my friend whose DC have both slept through by 8 weeks and see what happens. Is it me? Is it her? Is it down to the child?

Ppandj - my sympathies. Going to work and not getting any sleep must be shattering, I can hardly make it through the day of just being at home with DS sometimes... I hope things improve for you soon

Welshhairs - I remember googling "my baby is so intense and only wants to be held and move all the time" when he was just 11 weeks old and came across Sears' description of high needs babies.. It sounded just like mine and I was so so relieved that I wasn't alone! www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby
This is the link to the description. Sometimes knowing other parents are in a similar predicament truly helps, because it makes you realise it's NOT you doing something wrong -- some babies just have more demanding temperaments. I hope you start getting more sleep soon.

Thatsnotmyhouse - I really am not expecting him to sleep through, he's only little.. But I think 2/3 wakings is a realistic expectation. Also, him taking almost two hours to fall back get back to sleep at night is the killer. I'm worried pulling him into bed with me will just reinforce his wakings and honestly I don't think I'm prepared to co-sleep past him turning a year old.. I know it's all personal and it's great if it works, but he's so wiggly I can only dread to think what it'll be like when he can crawl or walk -- he'll be rotating in bed and I'll be awake anyway! It would be lovely if he could just quietly get in bed with us himself though :) that sounds cosy. Enjoy your cuddles!!

Spoke to my DP and we both agreed that if after 5 more nights things don't seem to be improving, we're going to invest in a sleep consultant. After doing lots of searching I found Ann of www.nurturingsleep.co.uk/ she seems to have great reviews from parents of MN! And a seemingly gentle approach, which is great. Not ideal for us to be spending all this money on one, but I am adamant on getting this resolved. I don't need him sleeping through, I just need him to have a more predictable pattern of night wakings and nap times. Right now, I have no idea what to expect each night and as a result have no idea what the following day will be like sometimes the naps are 30 min, sometimes an hour and a half. It's tiring for both him and myself.

Anyway. Bring on these 5 more nights, and then we shall see..

I understand your point, it does seem that fighting the way they are is just draining and makes one feel even more powerless. I couldn't ever trick my DS into sneaking away. But the inability to make myself dinner, have an hour without him latched onto me and not be able to spend time with DP made me really unhappy, and I wanted to be happier in able to be a better parent. I also think my DS will become increasingly more difficult to persuade to sleep in his own room -- some people say "he's not ready" but I can totally picture him at 3 years old refusing his bed. Works for some I'm sure, just not me am afraid.

Anyway, last night (or I shall say, this morning) I remembered why we stopped co-sleeping. There was the obligatory 5.40am wake up and the night had been quite shit (wake ups at 10pm,12am,3am) so the standard every two hours... I was like alright, you're coming into bed with me and I will even nurse you to sleep (!) to get that extra hour that I desperately desperately need. Ha. Fat chance. He nursed happily, but then started the latch on latch off game, I don't know what it is, but he will suckle for 5 secs then go off then re latch and so on, I remembered how he would do that for what felt like hours as we co-slept, which ended up signalling that he wanted to be rocked, which I did, but then when I would put him down he'd wake up and do the latch dance again.. so this morning he did just that. Then I tried to just cuddle him and he screamed in my ear. Then I rolled to my side and ignored him and he pulled my hair and kept hitting poor DP. Put him onto the other side of bed and he just started rolling and trying to move around. So yeah, not much chance of blissful sleep there. So hence I've been up since 5.40 -- bring on the next zombie day woooo.

It's sad that co-sleeping wasn't some sort of beautiful arrangement where me or him got loads of rest. It was manageable, and for the first 4.5 months of his life truly lovely and cosy, but somewhere down the line it just became a pain...
Honestly, if it continued to be a good experience, without his latch dance and the need to be rocked (he also wouldn't let me go to the toilet as would wake right up as soon as I left his side) -- I would still be happily cosleeping because I did enjoy the closeness.

I HATE knowing that there's absolutely nothing I can do to get some decent sleepn(decent =not wake up every 2 hours and spend ages resettling).. I used to just think we would go cosleeping another to but after this morning I realise there's no going back now..

I can't believe that one day he will outgrow this. I feel like I'm stuck in this for eternity.

Another thought - I do think the frequent wakings are closely linked o breastfeeding.. I've yet to meet a mum of a formula fed baby past 6 months that wakes 5/6 times a night. I do enjoy breastfeeding and was planning on persevering for another 6 months, but it sleep marginally improves on formula, I nag wean earlier.. :( I'm just such a mess when I run on little sleep.

So many typos! So tired ! Might *

What is wrong with my child? Honestly. He's been up since 5.40 and all three attempts of mine to put him down to sleep (6.30, 8 and now 9am) have been futile. I've left him to get on with it and fall asleep in his cot. This normally takes him 20 min. It's now almost been an hour and he's still squealing and rolling? Worst thing is he'll be in a foul as shit mood all day now that he's missed his morning nap. Fantastic! How do other people have babies that go to sleep without a peep, take solid naps etc.?!!!

Shiteforbrains, yes I basically was unable to move out of bed once we were in it. I do sympathise, you end up feeling like a prisoner don't you.. As nice and cuddles are, I feel like there's a reasonable limit! With stopping bfing , I don't know. I almost feel going cold turkey is what I need to do with DS, leave the house for 48 hours and let DP take the blow and manage it.. Honestly my little one loves solids so much he genuinely can't need as many feeds as he requests per day (and night). I think with babies like ours mums end up feeding well into 16 months because they're worried they will take away the one thing that can soothe them etc... I have a friend like that, still co sleeping and breastfeeding at 18 months...

My temper is rubbish too. Everything and everyone annoys me. My NCT group friends have formula babies that sleep from 7-7 and whenever they complain about one night waking at 3am I want to tear my hair out, seriously.

Still cosleeping and breastfeeding at 19 months here! It is really, really not something I would have been planning on even a year ago, but it's just what ended up working out best for us over time.

Honestly though 6-7 months was just shit no matter what we did. I had got her to a point where I could

Argh!

Could get her to bed in the evening and she would let me leave the room for a few hours, which was sanity saving, but she still woke every single hour. Health visitor just shrugged and said "teething?" and told me off for still feeding her at night - but she was I think reverse cycling (I went back to work p/t at 5 months and she wouldn't take bottles), and I didn't feel comfortable not feeding at night when she wasn't feeding much in the day either.

By 8 months she would start settling herself back to sleep some of the time she woke (we have a video monitor set up). That helped, and she went down to 1-2 wakeups a night for a while. We had more hellish sleep regressions at 9 months, 13 months and 18 months, but in between those she settled at around 2 or 3 wakeups a night. (And that's with zero sleep training at all.) So there is hope for better sleep in the future!

My NCT group friends have formula babies that sleep from 7-7

It's not just formula milk that does it. It's also that ff babies are more likely to use a dummy and the dummy is key to independent settling to sleep. As you find, babies do love to comfort suck at night.

In addition ff babies are often easier to routine from early on in life, which makes naps routined. Likewise it is also much easier to get into the habit of baby falling asleep on breast and not being put down to sleep, which is different when ff.

Dummies, putting down to sleep and routines are all possible with newborn breastfed babies, but generally the bf mother is less likely to favour these when baby is still young.

I don't mean my post to be smug. I am merely making the point that starting formula milk now may well not prove to be The Answer you hoped for because the way many ff babies sleep compared to the way many bf babies sleep is about much more than just the type of milk given.

Therefore if bf is important to you, don't stop on the expectation that everything will get better 'cos it may not.

Having said that, the milk baby gets really is such a non-issue in the grand scheme of things when you consider all you will do over the coming 20 years of parenting. Therefore don't stress so much about it and be kind to yourself

53rd that reverse feeding thing is exactly what my DS is doing!

OP I feel really self conscious of how bad DS's sleep is because all my friends' babies are apparently STTN, one of whom is 3 weeks old. It's getting me down and I feel like I'm not doing something right, really I know it's just that they are all different. I just can't help feeling a bit down about it all.