Sleep routines for a 6 year old

[Kristianss]

Hi,

I'm a dad but could really do with some advice on my 6 year olds sleep problems.

My ex and I split about 2.5 years ago, now my daughter stays with me every Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights and with her mum other nights. Until recently she has always slept in her own bed. She struggled to go to sleep at times and has normally woken once in the night (although was getting better recently) but always went back to sleep straight away. Neither my ex or I were that disciplined at teaching her to self sooth so I guess that's why she wakes.

Now the real problem. My ex has now started putting her to bed in her bed, with her. So when she comes to stay with me she really struggles to go to bed on her own. She does not want to be on her own in her bedroom and then wakes lots during the night and just freaks out at being on her own. She can't stay in her bedroom, and can't lie down.

This is not only exhausting for both of us but also really tough on her. I don't get cross with her for this as I really don't blame her for it and think it would be wrong to do so but what should I do? It's so tough on her to have to adapt every week to such a different way of sleeping.

I Have spoken to my ex calmly. Explained the problem. She agreed it was not right and promised to change things. She said she did but so obviously has not and is clearly lying.

So what do I do? Relent and just let her sleep with me?

Really would like to hear other people's opinion on this.

I'd forget about what your ex is doing, and focus on what happens at your house.
Are you happy to bedshare with your daughter?
Could you talk to her about what exactly is the problem? Dark=nightlight, quiet=white noise, or a teddy which will light up and sing if she squeezes him, monsters under the bed=a big friendly teddy to keep watching while she sleeps?
Work with her, but in a way that makes both of you comfortable.

She can't stay in her bedroom, and can't lie down

That's not true. She can do both. But she doesn't want to. Not wanting to doesn't mean she can't.

Your task is to teach her to want to and be happy to sleep in her own room. There are lots of other examples where a child will sometimes co-sleep and sometimes not. For example I know several children who cosleep with parents but when on a sleepover with grandparents are quite happy to sleep alone.

Children are more adaptable than you might think. It is perfectly acceptable that you will teach your daughter to sleep in her own room at your house and it doesn't matter if she co-sleeps when with her Mum.

The only issue that is a barrier to this right now is your dithering. Your daughter will want to snuggle with Daddy all night, but that is not necessarily good for her in the long run. She can see the doubt in your resolution on the matter so is pushing.

If you make the first and unequivocal decision that at your house your daughter will sleep in her room, then that is what she'll do. She may scream and fuss about it while she tests your resolve and if you'll give in. But if you don't, it is perfectly reasonable that she will accept that she'll be in her own room with you, but cosleep with Mum.

Your daughter can learn to sleep on her own. It does not matter what your ex does. When your daughter is with you, she goes by your routine and rules. Children can process perfectly differentiation, trust me. My 3yo knows what she can do with her dad when he puts her to bed.

Of course she wants to snuggle with you; you're her Daddy! I guess, as a pp said, you need to think about what you want to do about this and whether you see it as an issue or not.

If you would like to get your daughter to sleep in her own bed when at yours, you could try changing the bedtime routine (i.e. What happens/when) so it's "always the same at Daddy's house" and she knows where she stands.

If it's bad dreams she's worried about, a friend of mine made a "good dream spray" (one of those water squirters you might use on your house plants!) and would spray it before getting in the bed. Only good dreams were allowed in then, obviously

If it's just sleeping alone, my 6yo had a "sleep fairy" arrive one day... (Like a Christmas decoration!) We pinned it up in the bedroom and she says a little poem to it each night to help her sleep. The sleep fairy then keeps a watch over her and is there if she wakes in the night... This combined with a sticker chart has turned our every single night waker into an all night sleeper!

Good luck op.