At the end of my tether

[ttttired]

DD2 is 14 months and usually wakes 4-5 times between 7pm and 7am. I'm still breast feeding and can settle her before 10pm with just a cuddle but anything after that and she wants boob. It's nigh on impossible to get her back in the cot after that point so I take her into my bed.

I say 'my' bed because DH has been in the spare room since I was about 7 months pregnant. He snores loudly and I was sleeping badly so he went in the spare room then and hasn't really come back in our room (apart from the odd night here and there and when I went into labour).

This means that, without, exception I have dealt with all of DD2's wakings. I'm fucking exhausted. And fucking furious that DH hasn't offered to do more and let it get to this point by just accepting that this is how things are and taking for granted that I'll just do it all.

Tonight I lost it. I'd managed to keep DD2 in the cot which was an achievement in itself. Went to bed at 11pm. Sod's law that DD1 woke up and came into my bed at 12am. DD2 wakes at 1am. I tried to feed her in her room and put her back in the cot and she was having none of it so I took her into my bed (with DD1). She was then tossing and turning and groping at me until 3am. During this time DH's snoring was reaching epic levels and was also winding me up. I got up and took DD2 into him and basically said he needed to deal with her.

He then popped his head back in my room and I screamed at him in a voice I didn't know I had and said "I'M FUCKING EXHAUSTED. WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS MESS IF YOU HELPED A BIT MORE. IVE BEEN ASKING YOU FOR MONTHS TO COME BACK TO THIS BED, PARTLY SO THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE SOME FUCKING APPRECIATION FOR WHAT EACH FUCKING NIGHT IS LIKE FOR ME".

Ugh. I'm totally mortified that I shrieked so much, and ashamed that DD1 (3) was asleep next to me and that he was holding DD2 so she was right there too.

Yet I'm incensed that things have got to this point. I know it's made total sense for me to deal with the wakings as I've got the boobs and he's got to get up for work (I am a sahm for now at least). But I can't help thinking that if he was in our bed he might've been a bit more aware of what I've been doing for the last 14 months and might've, on the odd occasion, offered to deal with her waking. She goes ballistic if it's anyone but me who tries to go in to see her. I take some responsibility for that but DH takes none.

He's now taken dd2 out for a drive which has infuriated me even more. She's not a colicky newborn. She needs to be asleep in a bed.

So it's 4am, I've had fuck all sleep and I'm fucking livid. And totally over this stupid sleepless rut I'm in and sick of the fact that it's my problem while DH gets his 8 hours every sodding night laying starfish aborning his head off.

*snoring his head off obvs

God it sounds horrendous :(

To be honest it sounds like it's a good thing that you lost it at him. He needs to know this can't go on any longer.

I think yo both need to sit down and talk properly and agree a plan of action to tackle the night wakings. Some kind of gentle sleep training will be hard for you to do (esp when you are so tired) but will be worth it in the end.

It will mean cutting out feeding at night though. And actually it's easier for Dh to take the lead as he wont have the boob option.

Hope you are asleep now.

It maybe easier if your dh settles her ( or at least try's) as she won't smell the milk ! 3 nights will prob be hellish and it's gets worse before it gets better but you could cut down the night feeds now . I don't blame you for losing it , sleep deprivation is awful and you are taking the hit ! I still deal with wake ups too and it does annoy you ! I have asked dh to get up with her before work next week as had wakes between 5-530am. Her sleep was awful 4 weeks ago so I feel your pain! Good luck

Gah. Just lost a big post.

So. I texted DH to say wtf re driving and to get her back here in a bed. He text back to say "thought that would be wrong, can't win..." So said "Yes it's wrong because youre so far removed from what she or I needs that you wouldn't have a clue."

She slept til 5:45 then woke and freaked. I could hear DH cuddling/pacing but she was sobbing. Sounded like she might've given in but no. DH came and stood in my doorway FFS. So of course DD2 was reaching for me. I was so cross that he teased her like that . I took her and fed her but she was clinging on and so sobby bless her. I sent DH some horrible texts saying he was a pathetic man-child.

Both DDs woke just before 7am so I texted DH to get them so I could lie in. And here we are.

I feel like shit. I'm knackered and horrified at the nights events. My screeching and nasty texts are shameful yet DH was pathetic tbh. I'm still cross.

At 4am my only thought was that he'll have to do bedtime and all night wakings now but after hearing how upset DD2 was I can only imagine how harsh it's going to be. Plus if I'm totally honest I don't know if DH's got the minerals after last night.

My poor DD2.

Ugh.

Oh bless you.

It's fine that you lost it at DH. We were in a bit of a similar situation a few months back with him not helping at all with DD2 (where he had helped a lot with DD1) out of habit. And I lost it.

He helps now. She will accept cuddles from him. Didn't come easy.

What about getting a sleep consultant to hold your hand through everything that you both need to do as a couple to sort this and get you your sleep. You can sort this on your own but there will be more rows and inconsistency IMO! I know the first thought will be 'but the cost, can't do it etc.' but if you thought about it long and hard could you dredge up the funds? We're looking into it if things are still very bad at the 1yr mark.

We could afford a sleep consultant bit somehow it feels a bit dramatic. But then last night was too.

DH and I haven't really spoken today and both DDs have acted up, probably due to the shitty vibes. I'm still so cross that he cannot take responsibility for anything, is completely oblivious to my emotional needs and let's things (me) get to breaking point.

From mid-week on we have clear diaries so can both commit to some kind of plan for sleep training.

I did gradual retreat with DD1 but only to get her in the cot. She didn't ever really wake much during the night.

DD2 is very clingy - she's teething and has a cold which explains a lot now I feel even worse for thrusting her upon DH last night.

I'll work on getting her in the cot awake for a few nights at bedtime (rather than feeding to sleep) as I know she can do that (even if it takes an hour). Not sure how to handle the night wakings - whether to go cold turkey and get DH to do all of them come next week or whether to feed her only after a certain time, say 2am? Or what.

Gah. I'm really fed up.

I don't know but I'd probably go cold turkey on the feeds. Does she eat well in the day? I'm assuming it isn't hunger?

If Dh is on board then he could do all the wakings. He could offer water and cuddles instead. You might find she won't bother waking eventually for that!!

I think anything other than cold turkey would confuse her tbh but it feels like quite a big step. A lot of it is comfort sucking... She's ok with food in the day but not fabulous like DD1 is/was. Definitely agree that the hope would be after she realises she won't get any boob or be able to space invade my bed she won't bother waking!!

DH and I have had a looooooong talk tonight and are friends again - lots of little changes on both sides I hope will make a difference to things going forward. And he's up for doing the night wakings.......