Beginning to really dread bedtimes. Where did I go wrong?

[scabby]

My ds has just turned 3.

He slept through the night from 6 months, I was always able to leave him after a story and song, and he'd happily lie there for a bit before going to sleep.

His father moved out at the beginning of the year, so maybe that's why his bedtimes have gone to pot. I think I tried to over compensate for his father's absence and now I feel that he's running rings around me. But I also feel he may need extra cuddles and love because of the situation.

But it's driving me mad. He won't let me leave the room until he's asleep. I read dozens and dozens of stories while he messes about. My voice is cracked and throat is sore tonight from how much reading I did. In the end I lost it and left the room. He screamed and screamed and ran out to me. I kept just putting him back in bed without saying anything. But I felt so horrible I ended up getting into the bed with him again until he fell asleep.

Should I just keep doing what I'm doing, reading until he goes to sleep? Or should I be stricter with him? It's so exhausting either way.

Also I live with my mum. I think if I lived with just me and ds I'd maybe do it differently. I'd maybe leave him to scream and shout. But my mum is quite passive aggressive and makes me feel really guilty if I do this. Maybe she's right. I can think straight. Please help.

And now he's in bed with me. How do I stop all this! Or should I just let him do it?

Couldn't read and run, but I have no ideas, sorry.

Tape player with stories?

Is the issue he wants read to/noise or that he doesn't want to be alone?

If co sleeping makes life easier you can do that or you can sit and hold his hand in the dark & quiet for 10 mins to settle him until he falls away.

I think this is quite normal for a 3yr old.

Thank you for replying.

We bed hopped for a bit. He's now asleep in his own bed. But that's after demanding biscuits (I offered bread sticks, he didn't want them, so he got nothing)

Nice to hear this is normal behaviour for a child his age. I always assume he acts up because of the situation, and then I feel guilty.

I think it's because he doesn't want to be alone. Co sleeping is nice in theory but I just don't get any sleep when he is in with me, and really, neither does he. He wakes every few minutes if I move or breathe.

So should I just carry on as I am? Getting up and going into his bed when he wants? Letting him into my bed when he asks? It's really draining but I will continue to do it if that's what's best. I'm so tired though.

Maybe a new bedtime toy with some music or stories he can listen to if he wakes. Does such a thing exist?

I would try gradual retreat. Sit by his bed after stories (pre set number). After a few nights you move a few inches towards the door. After three more days move a few more inches. And so on. By two or three weeks you should be out of the door. You may need to sit on the landing for a while longer, but at least you can play on your phone and creep away after a while.

I agree with Rogan. He's had a lot of upheaval so it's understandable that he's unsettled but you need to take back control.
Agree on number of stories. Give a clear warning when it's the last one (I always make DD repeat "last one" back to me so it sinks in). Then gradual retreat.
Good luck.

Normal in my experience. DS is 4 and was like this at 3 - we have a set routine of bath, pyjamas, 2 bedtime stories (I never allow more) and then sleep time. Up until very recently I was having to sit in dark and hold his hand til he went to sleep which could take 5 minutes or 30 minutes, but then during the summer I started sitting outside the door instead and popping in every 5 minutes until he was asleep. It took about twenty minutes, now it's quicker, I only need to pop in once. So we're weaning him onto going to sleep by himself gradually.
Oh, and he still comes into our bed from time to time, he just needs the comfort and I don't mind it because he will grow out of it, won't be doing it at 13!

Agree with pp.

Just came in to say and to sympathise. It's so very difficult. Once a habit is established... the thought of changing it and the resulting tears/screaming is just awful.

I speak as a mother who currently lets her nearly 2yo fall asleep on her knee every night. I know it needs to stop but the thought of sleep training (again, did it at 11mo too) fills me with dread.

Good luck OP. I think 3 is maybe old enough for some tough love - 3 stories then sitting by him. Do you have a night phrase? Mine is "night night birdsseeds, sleepy time" and repeat over and over to avoid engaging and needing the toilet/drink/breadsticks.

It's crazy to be reading til your voice is cracked and sore, especially if lo is just messing around.
Ds has a tendency to be very controlling at bedtime and if allowed to have any element of control will always go to sleep upset as he cannot handle it (e.g. night light on, no off, no, on or gruffalo, no, snail and whale etc). Now we have story downstairs or in my bed then once in his room it's mummy sing one song, ds sing one song, kiss, night night. It took a little while to get here but now he settles happily and quickly. When I used to need to stay in his room I sat silently in the dark reading my kindle. Sometimes you need to take back control and this is how little kids know you are in charge and ultimately feel safer and more secure. Good luck. Please don't think this is the way it has to be.

Thank you everyone. I do feel as though I've lost control. I want to get it back. His behaviour during the day has recently become difficult. More prone tantrums, tantrums more intense. Less able to distract him. More demanding.

He used to be such a calm and mellow child. Brilliant manners. I'm hoping this change is normal for his age? Do you think his daytime behaviour is linked to his behaviour at bedtime? I would NEVER have allowed him to behave in this way before, but now I just let him as I feel so bad. I would never allow extra stories, it was always 2 stories and 2 songs. So maybe because I'm not firm with him, he is playing up?

Bedtimes make me want to weep, and sometimes I do. I'm exhausted. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense.

Will try the gradual retreat from tonight. Oh where do I find the energy to survive today

So maybe because I'm not firm with him, he is playing up? A bit, yes, but I think I've been consistent with DS and he's the same age and being very trying in the daytime at the moment. Luckily our nightmare bedtimes have passed but it was definitely a phase that we had to go through. A short bedtime routine with minimal opportunity for delaying tactics helped.

I think you sound tired and like you could do with a rest. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you notthe. Thanks for your kind words. I'm finding it very difficult. The lack of sleep is a killer. I sometimes snap at him at bedtime, because he's just messing about. It's not even like I'm trying to force sleep too early. He's so tired. But last night it was after 9 when he got to sleep. Then woke twice, the second time he was wide awake for nearly 2 hours.

I think they wake up then because they're overtired. It might actually help if you try and put him down at 6.30 to combat the overtiredness.

I actually never thought of that! But makes sense. Was always scared to bring him up too early because I didn't want the bedtime to drag on and on if he wasn't ready for sleep. But maybe I've completely got that arse ways around.

Will try for earlier tonight. Thank you .

Worth a go. Always try a new approach for 3-5 nights to give it a good go, it sometimes takes them a bit of time to adjust.

Thanks I will. Coming on here always helps, so I may be back if it all goes wrong!