sleep - child with abandonment issues

[FannyFanakapan]

I have a foster child of 3, who is a really bad sleeper. There is a history of neglect and abandonment. Child has a bad habit of grizzling to get attention/get what they want, and this can go on for hours. This is down to being ignored for much of their little life.

So child has started to wake at 10ish, and grizzle and call out for the next 2 hours. We go in, sush, pat, offer drinks, ask child to be quiet, give cuddles - and still the wailing continues for up to 2 hours. It is quite deliberate, and a strategy that worked in previous life - child would be put into bed with older sibling previously.

Child shares room with sibling at ours, so both children sleep deprived. Sibling is significantly older. The next morning, child is up early (6ish) and grizzling from tiredness. Sleep in the afternoon just doesnt happen (more wailing, screaming tantrums etc) and we are all on edge from lack of sleep and the constant grizzling and stroppiness that accompanies the lack of sleep.

I would use controlled crying, but child has abandonment/attachment issues, and can hold out longer than I can - so what to do?

I cannot sleep in with child, I cannot sleep in room (no space) I cannot just leave child to cry (sibling) and I cannot drug child

Anyone have any strategies that i could try?

I think you could try a really short bed time routine and early as possible if he is likely to already be overtired. So quick bath if it's needed, pjs, one tv programme (the same one), teeth, up to bedroom, 2 books (the same ones), cuddle, then bed. Then I would stay in his room but ignore him - normally I wouldn't suggest this as it's not ideal to get stuck in their rooms but I understand you not wanting to leave him. Put him back into bed, remain very calm but don't interact as much as possible.

Obviously bedtime routine is important but being really repetitive is necessary here, hence the same books every night.

Hopefully this will help and if he's going down with this approach you can start to do a gradual withdrawal type approach where you get further away from him each night, so you start of right next to his bed but then edge closer to the door each night until you're outside etc.

thanks nottheop, bedtime itself is usually quite calm and OK - its the 10pm wake up and wail that is problematic!

How long has the child been in your care for? It's great that you've you've identified this as an attachment / relationship issue which has roots in her abusive past. Because of this, 'normal' strategies aren't likely to work. Controlled crying would be a disaster

Oops posted too soon!

I'm glad you're not doing CC. It sounds like she needs to unlearn this behaviour and one way to do this would be to make sure you're meeting her attachment needs as well as you can, perhaps over meeting them initially so she can learn to trust that a response comes when she communicates. Often kids with attachment trauma have a 'leaky cup' and so need refilling way more than a non traumatised child. So lots and lots of attention, cuddles and positively reinforcing the behaviours that you want more of, and ignoring / not responding to the behaviours you want to get rid of. Sounds like you want to get rid of the whingeing - you seem to have identified that she is whingeing for human contact, particularly bed sharing. You just need to figure out how to meet this need she has before trying to reduce it. Poor child. But very fortunate to be with such a thoughtful foster parent.

Sorry if that seems a bit muddled. I'm saying she needs to have her attachment needs met first and foremost before trying to eliminate the whingeing. Then you will be able to teach her how to seek closeness and comfort in a less annoying way. Focus on the need rather than the mode of communication to begin with.

Also what support are you getting from professionals about this?

I'm an adopter and had a really bad sleeper arrive aged around 3. I don't know if this is the way to go but I did just have to spend many of the small hours in a sleeping bag on her floor. She gradually settled and now sleeps through. I know you said no space to sleep in, and appreciate you will be restricted in what youre allowed to do, but is a chair in the room or something possible? Then gradual withdrawal?

what about taking child into your bed and cuddling till the child is asleep, then at five to 10 before the crying starts go in give him/her a cuddle then transferring them when they go back to sleep after stirring.

Thanks all,

Mrs Marigold, that is prohibited under safeguarding...its the natural response, but not one we are allowed to do sadly.

Coveredinsnot, thanks, we do try and meet her attachment needs, but she is very newly (3months) in care, and still quite hostile and angry towards us, although there is growing attachment.

Threesocks, I do sit in with her to get her off to sleep on difficult nights, i guess Im going to have to bite the bullet with this one.

Are foster carers not allowed to co-sleep? That's quite sad.

This child evidently is used to co-sleeping (with sibling) and this sense of night time abandonment must be adding to already establish attachment issues.

I echo that "normal" sleep techniques are not your answer here and certainly not CC.

If you cannot co-sleep, then I would recommend bringing the toddlers bed into your room next to your bed. Or even going back to a cot and making it a bedside cot (with one side removed) butted up to your bed. Then at least you are right there for reassurance as needed. It also might afford you a bit extra sleep since you can care for the child while lying in bed.

I am assuming here that fostered children can sleep in your room (they must do as babies?), just not your bed.

She's so new to your home, too. Three months is no time at all. I'm sure things will improve soon, but it may just been rewinding a little bit first.

Mean not been. And I mean rewinding in the developmental sense.

Thanks Covered, I hope so.

Fate, co-sleeping is a no-no. WHen you are trained, they even suggest that cuddles on the sofa are not a good thing, as they may lead to allegations against the foster carer. You have to balance the huge amount of nurturing the children need with protection of yourself and family against allegations.

If an allegation is made, the children are removed while its all investigated which is hugely upsetting for everyone involved.

I'd suggest getting this moved over to the fostering or adoption boards, where you should get lots of sage advice from others who have been through similar.

How does she settle during the day? Is there anything in particular that gives her comfort, which you would not normally think of as a bed toy? If she is comforted by you, she might find sleeping with a t shirt that you have worn but not washed helpful, for example.

One thing that I have found helpful for my two (for different reasons; and one BC, one AC) is getting a CD player to play story CDs at night as they settle down and help them to drop off to sleep.

I think, though, that it will largely be a matter of time, as you need to address the underlying issues not just the sleep problem

Wow, I had no idea. Good luck

Would a two way baby monitor help (I know we're not talking about a baby) - it would allow you to sssshhh reassure etc over the monitor without needing to sleep in the same room?