Am I expecting too much?

[MrsDoolittle]

My dd is four weeks old, I have noticed that posters on other threads have babies a little older so please tell me if I am expecting too much too soon.
I am shattered after spending 3 hours awake with her last night. Initially dd settled relatively easily, although her night time feeds would last forever, once she went to sleep whe would sleep til around 3 - 3.30ish. I wake up to her wriggling and making 'supping' sounds, feed for 40mins or so and she would go back to sleep til 6. No problems.
Now though she takes forever to settle, spending hours latched on and waking as soon as I take her off - even if she appeared to be asleep. If I am lucky she will settle at around 11.30. But now when she wakes during the night she seems to really wake up - I can see her eyes staring straight back at me through the dark. She will be awake for 3 hours!
I have rejected my dm philosophy to leave her to cry and I always pick her up. I moved into the spare room with her so as not to disturb dh and have found myself bringing her into the bed with me and falling asleep with her latched on.
Am I going to cause myself problems as dm is convinced I will? Should I let her cry, although I don't want to? Am I making a mistake bringing her into the bed with me? Should I settle her earlier?
Suddenly I feel very aware that I have no idea what I am doing and I bit lonely because dh shares dm's opinion that I should let her cry.
And I am tired!!!

She's only four weeks old! I think you are doing exactly the right thing. If you and she are getting sleep while in bed together, how can that be bad. It is NOT a good idea to let a four WEEK old baby cry. She's only just born for heavens sake. By dm do you mean mum? If so, just ignore her and do what suits you and your baby. She's only just getting used to being in the world and if sleeping in bed with you helps that transition that's great. And no, it doesn't mean she will be sleeping with you when she's ten!

MrsDoolittle, just one thing to try:- When you put her down, give her your t-shirt or something else you have worn that day (even just a hankie you've kept against your body to get your scent). You may find having your scent with her helps her to settle.

Definitely ignore your mum and dh - four weeks is way, way too young to let a baby cry and I think even the most ardent cc advocates would certainly agree with that. She is so tiny and at the moment all she needs is you there to comfort her - as dinosaur said, there is plenty of time for sleep training in the future.

I completely understand that it is shattering but co-sleeping can be helpful at this age - I slept on and off with ds for the first few weeks and loved it. You're not making mistakes and you're not setting up bad habits - just follow your instinct and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

MrsDoolittle - she is so little at the moment and you are so tired that I would do whatever it takes for her to feel secure and for you to get some sleep.
My dd is now 12 weeks and my mum was always telling me I shouldnt pick her up but there was no way I was going to let her cry - she was brand new for christ sake!
Try ignoring all your mum tells you - if shes anything like my mum she'll be telling you how her children were sleeping through from 6 weeks by doing the total oposite to all you do.
Its really hard work I know, so do whatever you can to make it easier - if that means sleeping together do it. By leaving her to cry you're just making both of you upset. hope this helps xx

No don't let her cry unless YOU want to. Just following your instinct at this age is the path of least unhappiness. Small babies cry lots sometimes for absolutly no reason other than they want to be held. Just do what you feel comfortable with and ignore anyone else. You'll feel better that way.

Hi there,

Honestly, you will look back and realise that this time goes so quickly, huge sympathy for how shattered you must be feeling after just giving birth and being new to caring for this gorgeous baby, but you're doing just great - I'm sure you know better than anyone else what's right for your baby at the mo - sleeping in the spare bed with her sounds just like what I was doing with dd at that stage. I think new babes are almost programmed to need to be close to you at night, and to feed a lot at night (do be careful with duvets etc though) its like a survival instinct for them. After a while (eight weeks or so) we started to gradually put in a routine for dd, by this I mean we still fed her when she wanted it, but also tried to encourage feeding during the late evening before she went down to bed. This isn't for everyone but it helped us. My dh couldn't sleep with her in bed with us, and he also thought it would set up bad habits, in the end we agreed that it would only be a short term solution and after the first few weeks I determindly settled her into her own cot in our room repeatedly and eventually she would settle. Can you talk to your dh and agree that the co-sleeping is working for now, but in a few weeks or months you will try to settle her in her own cot? That way you can both see the light at the end of the tunnel and he can support you when you're feeling so tired. IMO mums forget what it was like (however lovely and helpful in other areas), and also the advice they got when we were little was very different from now. Don't let her cry yet but there might be a place for it when she's bigger - you need to read threads on here and see whether you agree with it or not. You're not causing her any problems, you're just showing her that her mum loves her and is there for her, take care of yourself x (sorry I rambled)

Thank you so much Ladies. This kind of reassurance is exactly what I need. I can go to bed tonight and not feel guilty for bringing her into bed with me and enjoy it instead - I am so desperate to. I was beginning to think maybe I was being soppy.
She is absolutely beautiful, I am absolutely besotted and I can't bear to hear her cry, especially because she usually stops as soon as I pick her up.
I am shattered but happier - Thank you xxx

Soppy is the best bit of being a mum to a newborn! Enjoy your soppiness and your lovely cuddles. PS I am just as soppy about ds now as I was then but new babyhood is such a fleeting time and there is something so magical about a really tiny baby.

I know, I am looking at her now - fast asleep, little fists up around her ears.

Awww, you're making me really broody...enjoy!

I slept with DS2 latched onf or ages - it was the only way he would sleep. he's 8m now and goes to sleep, in his own room at 7pm. Good luck Mrs Dolittle - your DD is lucky to have such a lovely Mummy!

Gee thanks Tommy!

I agree with everyone else here, 4 weeks old is FAR too young to leave a little one to cry. Right up until dd was about 8 months old I never left her to cry and even then I only left her to 'grumble' rather than cry which seemed to be her way of going to sleep which is the case with a lot of babies. Now she's 19 months I am having to do some controlled crying but that's another story altogether.

I just wanted to add a little suggestion though. Even though co-sleeping is wonderful and the best solution for you both right now (I co-slept with dd for the first couple of months, then gradually got her used to being swaddled in her basket next to the bed for half the night, then gradually again for the whole night) it might be worth trying to get her to 'unlatch' before you both fall asleep. That way she won't get too used to having something in her mouth while she sleeps and be awake and upset to find it's gone again. I found dd when milk drunk would sort of fall off my nipple, if yours does that, why not gently move her away and hold her close to you instead?

But this is only a little point and to be honest I'm envious of that lovely cosy time when one could be as indulgent of all the cuddles at night that one liked! Enjoy every second.

hi, agree with everyone here. i too worried about dd sleeping with me but did not have much option after a messy section leaving me with a cathater and generally immobile. gina ford terrified me with her tales of permanent sleep problems but dd decided herself when she wanted to sleep alone and now at 16 wks is a great little sleeper in her cot. i actually miss her in the bed and the nighttime feeding. four wks is a hectic time but enjoy it.

Well we slept together last night and boy, does she fidget!! And her little head kept bobbing against me looking for boob!!
I think I am going to try and leave her in her crib for a few hours atleast.

Yeah, how come some lucky people have cuddly babies who curl up next to them and sleep blissfully? DD kicks, pulls hair, fidgets and generally needs the whole double bed to herself if she's going to get to sleep...

I've often longed to sleep with my dd but she really doesn't sleep at all if she's in our bed. She thinks it's too much fun! But then again she is 19 months. When she was a few weeks old I loved having her in the bed with us.