Desperate but will it be cruel

[Salene]

I have a 10 months boy who has never slept

From 0-6 months he constantly breastfed fed 1-2 hours 24/7 day and night , he is a big boy

Everyone said he was hungry and when he started solids he would sleep

He started solids at 6 months he now goes to bed no problem at 7pm sleeps till 12/1am then from then he comes in bed with me and pretty much feeds every hour, it's Defo a comfort thing

I have tried just leaving him a little bit and he just sits up in it cots and cry's.

His naps in day time are very poor he point blank refuses to sleep at home majority of the time and only if I drive him in car will he sleep

There is zero routine during the day for naps as he fights the so much

10 months of very little sleep is getting me down and I'm also worried about his development as he is no where near getting the required 10/11 hours a night us 2/3 hours naps a day

I've always felt cruel to leave him to cry and thought things would sort themselves out with his sleep but it's becoming apparent it's not.

I'm utterly desperate and don't know what to do, I've no idea if CC will work as when I've read about it , it sounds like it's for baby's being put to bed he goes to bed fine the issue comes during the night. I'm scared he will feel abandoned and I will do him harm. I've tried the no sleep solution book it didn't help

Please can anyone advice me how to get my baby to sleep im desperate

Hi op

I did CC when my DS's was 9 months (it was either that or I have a breakdown of sorts) and within three nights I had cracked it.

BF DS used to be up at least three times a night, would be awake for hours, would only sleep if fed to sleep, he would nap in the day but only if fed to sleep and the naps would only be 30 minutes at times and DS was unable to self settle.

My life was hell.

Within three nights I had a baby that self settled himself in his cot and slept from 7pm-6am and he had two cot naps a day (again, self settling in his cot).

We followed the 2, 4, 8 minute rule of CC so he was never left longer than eight minutes if he was upset.

The first night it took about 30 minutes to initially go to sleep and with each night time wake up it would take about 20 minutes before he'd go back off. Each night got a little easier and by the 3rd/4th night he was going into his cot without any upset, settling himself off to sleep within 10 minutes and sleeping through.

As a result of the sleep training he went from having 11 hours broken sleep in a 24 hour period to having 15+ hours sleep which is a huge difference.

salene are you me?! We are going through the exact same thing with ds who is 13 months. He has always woken to feed and always given milk as I believed it would pass, but he is now not even settled by feeding. It has gotten worse over the last 3 weeks and like you, I'm in the position where I am worried about having to do cc, and not knowing otherwise what to do.

We also called the HV and were given the advice to start with naps (also fed to sleep) so we are changing this. Last night I tried to give ds water from a bottle and it seemed like he was starting to settle a bit but dh then came to check on us and the rest of the night didn't pan out very well at all.

Posts like the above gentle parenting advice I have mixed feelings about. I feel heartbroken at the thought of leaving him to cry. My ethos is gentle and respect based but I now dont know what to do. And I feel like a rubbish mum for not knowing what to do- surely I should know my own baby enough to know what will work? But I don't. I bounce between having full and no confidence in myself. DH believes that cc will work. Apparently ds self settles for naps in nursery?! But very different to him having gotten used to waking in the night for bottles.

I dont want to make this about me- sorry! But I am finding these posts useful for tips and ideas, too. I'm not sure cc will work because I think if we check on him he will cry even harder for us. Not sure gradual withdrawal will work either as if left in his cot he will cry hard for us to pick him up. he will not be laid back down- he would fight- so again get quite distressed. What to do ladies?!

op let us know how you get on and what you decide, big hugs as I am here with you.

I don't want to comment further on what you ought to do, Anna, but do bear in mind that children are getting teeth quite a lot of the time, on and off, in their early years and this can mean that they require more comfort during the night and are more clingy during the day.

I believe it's always right to respond to a crying child - when ever possible of course - and that they don't cry without reason, or seek comfort just to annoy us - I think often they sleep far better in time - it can work if you are just prepared to watch and wait and accept that they will get through it.

They always do, in the absence of special needs and illness and so on.
You sound like a lovely mum, do what feels right to YOU, my concern with CC is partly down to the fact it upsets the parents quite a lot of the time and I think that should tell us something.

Good luck anyway, thoughts are with you.

Thanks Sophie.

Doing a bit of a google search on night weaning/settling tips and I stumbled across this article, thought I'd share it here in case others find it useful. She began night weaning by delaying feeds by 5 minutes, for 3 days, then went on to night weaning but did not do cc. Going to talk this through with dh!

attachedtoparenting.com/2013/05/18/how-i-night-weaned-in-7-days/

For those of you who do not want to leave a child to cry or who did not, what is the plan for toddler years and tantrums? (This is a genuine question and I do know a tantrum and waking in the night are two different things.)

Well risking thread drift but I'll answer - I'm currently on my third toddler and to be honest, I think it's a sort of continuum if thats the word (probably isn't!) as in, you set the boundaries when they are small, (in our case by always responding when at all possible, never leaving to cry, always sleeping near to them etc) and so by the time they are toddlers they are fully established in the knowledge that you care about them and will come when they cry.
Therefore when they have a tantrum it is genuinely more of a 'leave me alone' moment than a 'please give me attention' type thing, I think (surmising as I can't tell for sure and it does vary!)
so I feel OK about letting him have a good old screech, while I hang about nearby, waiting for him to calm down, knowing that he is totally secure in the fact I would never leave him normally.

It gives him the sense of control. As you say it is completely different to a baby crying (because they have no choice - and a toddler is normally semi aware of their reasons, or at least, can cope slightly better with those factors like hunger etc than a tiny baby can) but I think had I done some sort of artificial 'leaving to cry' set up when they were babies, I'd feel far far less confident in dealing properly and firmly with their toddler behaviour. I'd be afraid they would think I was inconsistent or needing to test whether I really cared iyswim.

The whole ethos fits together. At least it is pretty instinctive to me and I've been lucky enough not to be forced/persuaded into trying CC or anything by others, which I understand can be an issue for some who share parenting etc.

Basically, they always have a reason for doing what they do and normally it is not their choice to cry, it's just an instinct and my instinct is to respond to it, always, as best I can.

My 12 and 8 year olds are both lovely, not demanding, not stroppy, not undisciplined and doing well so it hasn't turned them into monsters

(will shut up now)

I mean the whole thing is based on instinct really. And if you mess with it when they're little, you have to continue messing with it perhaps, or adjust the settings further as they get older.

If you just do what comes naturally from the start, you aren't messing with their expectations or playing any games with them. It sets the path.

I have a 10 month old who has never been a great sleeper, but things are dramatically better and I was in your situation months ago where my boy would wake hourly and would scream until I fed him to sleep.

Around 6 months, my boy would feed so much at night, that he hardly fed in the day and would go 8-10 hours in the day without feeding, but want to feed hourly at night. We managed to reverse this - but it took 10 days and a lot of support from my partner but I look back and I think it was the right thing to do as we were so sleep deprived I was crying nearly every day from the misery of severe tiredness and life was miserable. I couldn't enjoy being a mum as I was just simply too tired. Too tired to play with my baby and I spent every second just counting down until the next nap so that I could sleep.

I decided that my aim was to reduce feeding to what would be considered a normal or even generous amount of feeds for a baby of this age (bedtime feed, dream feed around 10pm before I went to bed and one night feed). If baby woke and cried, we cuddled him, comforted him but I only fed him if it had been 3 hours or more since the last feed. Slowly I extended this time period from the 10pm dream feed until the next feed. This required lots of cuddles and our baby did cry, but we comforted him during his cries and he was never alone. We managed to reverse his feeding and he fell into a pattern of dream feed and one night feed - sleeping well in-between. It was bliss in comparison to before.

During these 10 days, it worked much better if I was in another room and my partner tried to comfort him. We chose to start this on a long weekend when my partner was off work, but when he went back to work, I had to do some of the comforting so that he could get better sleep - but by that point we were over the worst and he wasn't waking until about 2 am for a feed.

I should add that my baby had a dummy and this was very useful in helping him to settle as he is one of those babies who gets a lot of comfort from sucking.

Your baby is older now and so I've no doubt he truly understands that mummy loves him and is there for him whenever he cries. My 10 month old has recently gone through a bit of a sleep regression at bedtime and recently started screaming at bedtime when put in his cot. I think this was due to us picking him up lots for cuddles as he had been teething.
I knew he was fine, as he had been very happy until the second I put him in the cot. I stayed with him, reassuring him, and comforted him in his cot but without picking him up. After a few days of us sitting in the room comforting him in his cot (but not picking him up), he then started putting himself to sleep happily again. Yes he cried, but I never left him crying alone. He still knows he is loved. He is getting better sleep now. I am a better mum for getting better rest myself.

I believe if you are struggling with severe sleep deprivation, something needs to change. Do not feel bad about this - some situations are just not sustainable and ultimately taking action is the best thing for mother and baby.