Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Sleep

Join our Sleep forum for tips on creating a sleep routine for your baby or toddler. Need more advice on your childs development? Sign up to our Ages and Stages newsletter here.

Original poster

I can't live like this anymore!

32 replies

TychosNose · 19/05/2015 13:49

I don't know what to do.

15mo ds wakes at least every hour through the night. He has occasionally slept for 2 or 3 hours but never consistently.

When he wakes he screams. Really screams. We tried night weaning at 10months but he just screamed for three nights solid, with the odd 20 minute sleep. We were all too shattered to persevere.

Dh and dd(4.10) do not cope well with sleep deprivation. I do all the night wakings and I am co-sleeping (not out of principal, just desperation. He has never slept in his cot).

I haven't properly had a block of sleep for around 18 months now as I had a difficult pregnancy. I'm suffering from anxiety and depression. I don't want to live like this. It's an absolute nightmare and I don't know what to do.

I don't know what sort of response I expect. Just wanted to get it out really. I have no one irl to talk to.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
GoodToesBadToes · 19/05/2015 13:51

Get a sleep consultant! Seriously sleep is priceless

kirstymarle45581 · 19/05/2015 14:02

Get your husband to keep an eye on the children and go have a nap your no good to anyone too warn out. Even if it's for half an hour or go have a relax in the bath I feel for you. I know it's not easy getting someone to have them with work ect but you will feel so much better after a sleep. I always feel guilty when my partner wakes up because he has work in the morning, but sometimes you have to ask for help otherwise your just fall apart. if you need someone to chat to I'm here we're all in the same position as you Smile

CatR1 · 19/05/2015 14:03

Hi,

Firstly Flowers. Sleep deprivation is just awful especially for such a prolonged length of time. I have a 19 month DS and he hasn't always slept well either. My dd slept much better. I've had a similar experience to you and my advice would be persevere with getting him to settle in his cot. Co sleeping only works if you get sleep. It won't be easy but we need sleep to function and you aren't getting the chance to catch up during the day.

NickyEds · 19/05/2015 14:05

Flowers and sympathy.

You say that your dh doesn't "cope well" with sleep deprivation. Sorry but unless he has a job in which lives would be at stake if he were tired he's just going to have to try harder (I'll forgive the 4 year old!). I'm guessing no one would cope with hourly wakings. I think that you can either do as pp suggested and get a sleep consultant (if you can afford it) or formulate a plan together and stick to it. It's the bank holiday coming up, could your dd go to someone else's for a couple of nights to give you chance to tackle it? I think with sleep training perseverence is key so pick something and stick with it.

www.jofrost.com/controlled-timed-crying-technique-ctct/

This is an over view of cc if that's something you might be interested in.

Are you getting some support for the anxiety and depression?

CatR1 · 19/05/2015 14:10

Good idea GoodToes. Sleep is priceless.

Original poster
TychosNose · 19/05/2015 14:29

Thank you for your replies.

I'm familiar with sleep trying techniques and we did hire a sleep consultant when dd was a baby because she slept badly too. The problem is now I'm so ill that I'm in no fit state to follow a sleep training plan. We could hire a consultant again but I know that nothing's going to change without a lot of crying, from all of us, and I just can't face it.

It's a living nightmare with no end in sight.

OP posts:
NickyEds · 19/05/2015 14:35

More [flowers} and sympathy. It sounds like you're in a downward spiral, no sleep so no energy to deal with no sleep?? Are you seeing anyone about your depression and anxiety? Is your dh supportive? To be honest op if your ds has had such poor sleep up to 15 months it's unlikely that things are going to get better on their own, so you need to work out if you're going to do the sleep training with a view to making yourself better or get support to make things better for yourself with a view to then sleep training.

NickyEds · 19/05/2015 14:36

What did the sleep consultant advise at the time?

Original poster
TychosNose · 19/05/2015 14:44

Thank you.

I know things won't get better on their own. That's why it all feels so hopeless.

With dd we did gradual retreat, with the help of a sleep consultant, but the situation was very different. Firstly, dd had slept for blocks of 4/5 hours in her cot, so was nowhere near as unsettled as ds and secondly, I wasn't ill.

I have seen various hcp for my anxiety and depression. My cpn is rubbish. The psychiatrist isn't much better. Basically they won't help me until I get more sleep, which I can't do.

Dh is supportive but I never really see him and he's really stressed so isn't much help.

OP posts:
Original poster
TychosNose · 19/05/2015 14:49

the psychiatrist did try to admit me to a mum and baby unit last year but the nearest was 3 hours away so would have meant I'd only see dd at weekends and I just couldn't do it to her. She's really struggling at school and I think putting her in childcare before and after would have been horrible for her.

OP posts:
Nolim · 19/05/2015 14:52

I had to do controlled crying. I understand that it is not easy snd you dont want to face all the crying but unless you do something i dont think things will improve on their own. Sorry.

AliceAnneB · 19/05/2015 15:07

Hire a sleep trainer who will do it for you. They will usually do three nights in a row. It will give you three precious nights rest and get him on the right track. Then you will be rested and ready to carry on with what the sleep trainer has started. Just make sure you get the right person. Nothing is more precious than sleep!

Original poster
TychosNose · 19/05/2015 18:08

Thanks for the advice.

I just don't know how people have the will power for controlled crying. And I just don't believe it will work. We tried it on dd. not only was it the most distressing thing i have ever done, but it didn't work. She just cried for three hours, then only slept for 30 mins, then cried again. We did that for over a week. She even vomited. I had panic attacks. During the day she became a different baby. It was awful.

I'm not sure about hiring a sleep trainer to do cc. A baby's not going to be comforted by a stranger are they?

I do appreciate your replies but I'm in no fit state to actually do anything about the situation. I can barely meet my own basic care needs right now, never mind embark on a sleep training program that would likely last weeks, possibly months, before any improvement.

OP posts:
Nolim · 19/05/2015 18:39

Good luck with whatever you decide to do op

whotookalltheusernames · 19/05/2015 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Needsweetstosurvive · 19/05/2015 18:58

I disagree with pp who said it won't get better on it's own. I think with time it will naturally improve, who ever heard of a child aged 3+yrs waking that much? No matter what the habit they will grow out of it eventually, even if you do nothing. Until then, hang on in there I guess!

juneau · 19/05/2015 19:00

OP I think you should get the sleep consultant in, but can you go and have a couple of nights in a hotel first? Even if its just the Premier Inn in the nearest town, or going to your or DH's parents' or someone else who lives close by and has a quiet house where you could just recuperate for a weekend before the sleep consultant arrives?

You poor thing. You must be on your knees. Your DH is going to have to step and do his bit - you cannot do this all on your own. And I agree - the co-sleeping is NOT working. Does your DS have his own room? If so, I'd start putting him in his cot and closing the door. He must be bloody exhausted too! 15-month-olds aren't designed to wake this often either.

thekingfisher · 19/05/2015 19:11

I used millpond and was adamant I wouldn't leave my ds to cry. She asked me how long I would be prepared to leave him for before I went in and I said 1 minute. So that was how we started.

If he cried I would go in after only one minute - do some particular reassurance then leave again. But he was never left for more than 5 minutes crying.

Honestly we had it sorted in a week - ds was probably a similar age maybe 20/21 months so not a teeny tiny baby.

Honestly you deserve it for yourself to give it another go...

meandjulio · 19/05/2015 19:17

Does either of you have a parent/set of parents who will step in? If they live within a reasonable distance, could you just swap houses for 3 days - they move in and look after the kids, you go and stay at their house, dh continues with work if needed, you just rest?

I am quite worried, you sound extremely down, clearly somehow you are still upright but I have no idea how. It sounds as if you need someone to step in and organise this for you. Is your mother/mother-in-law around? Even if you have a shit relationship with her, this is the moment to pick up the phone and just burst into tears.

FraterculaArctica · 19/05/2015 20:09

Agree with Juneau. We were in this position with DS then 9 mo before Christmas, I have mild-ish MH difficulties too and got to the point I could not cope with hourly wakings with the best will in the world. Half an hour's nap here or there won't really help you at this point. Can you get your DH to deal with the night wakings say once a week (ideally more) and take yourself away - to a cheap hotel, friend's, relative's? I did this not just once but several nights running, and at intervals after whenever it got too much. Then we used a sleep consultant when I was no longer at breaking point and DS (also a screamer on waking) is now much, much better. You don't have to do CC and if you get some sleep in first then you will more able to cope with a slower sleep training plan.

Feel for you - it is awful.

Original poster
TychosNose · 19/05/2015 20:30

Thank you all so much for your replies.

Unfortunately none of the grandparents are going to help with the sleep. Though mil did send fil over with dinner tonight so that was nice.

Dh usually has to leave for work shortly after the kids wake up and usually only just makes it home in time for bedtime stories so he can't really help during the week. I should ask him to do more at the weekends though.

Ds doesn't have his own room. The plan was that he'd share with dd but we never thought he'd be this bad at sleeping and she's struggled so much with school the last thing she needs is to be disturbed even more than she already is.

I think I probably do need to do something but I just can't find the energy to do anything but cry just now.

Reading your replies has been of some comfort so thank you for taking the time. Maybe there is hope after all.

OP posts:
CatR1 · 19/05/2015 20:58

There is hope, this will pass. Stick in, you're clearly doing a fantastic job. Just allow yourself to be emotional, you're beyond tired and we need to let it out sometimes! Good luck and be kind to yourself.

meandjulio · 19/05/2015 21:41
Sad

Do you have any other friends or relatives? What worries me is that you are sounding like many people I have known during times of depression (not to mention myself) - any improvement seems impossible. Add complete exhaustion to that and it's like a mountain to climb.

A sister, brother, sister-in-law, cousin, friend? All they have to do is give you a day and a night to yourself? Believe me I would do this and have done so for people i know.

CoodleMoodle · 20/05/2015 06:50

I'm so sorry Thanks

I'm going through pretty much the exact same thing with DD right now, except I only have her to contend with. She was up screaming every two hours (or less), then up at 4, I rocked her until 6 and she started crying again at 6:30. I'm on my knees with her. Or rather she's on my lap whilst I sob.

So sorry I can't give you any advice. I've just shouted at DD so I'm not the best one for that anyway. I just hope you get it sorted soon, it's absolute torture.

Wtfmummy · 20/05/2015 07:15

Gosh, you poor thing. You must be shattered. I can totally understand why you are in this situation, my DS2 is a bad sleeper and shares bedroom with DS1 so I am on hyper alert to any noises or crying because I want DS1 to have a good nights sleep so he's ok for school. As a result I soothe too much with milks etc at night and he's now in a habit of waking up....but that's another story!

I can't really suggest anything other than maybe putting a travel cot downstairs and doing controlled crying? I know it's hard though.

Good luck xx

Swipe left for the next trending thread