feels right but seems wrong

[Katekoom]

Dd almost 4 months and I love having her sleep in the bed with me. We both sleep soundly with only a mild back ache to show for it in the morning.

We're about to start sleep training and a huge part of me wants to keep her in bed with me but it seems wrong. Opinions such as "thats a hard habit to break" and "yyou're spoiling her" Whiz about in my head and I no longer know my right from wrong.

How can something so frowned upon feel so natural and right?

I should add that I do want my space back eventually.

Also when in crib she wakes hourly

Can you get a bedside cot? One that attaches to the bed?

We were told not to sleep train until at least 6 months, but I don't know the reasoning behind that.

I would go with your instincts and a situation lets you have a good night's sleep while giving your baby comfort and security. I think criticism of cosleeping is part of an attitude where we push babies to be independent far too early, rather than waiting for them to be ready for their own space.

If you'd like an alternative perspective there are some interesting articles www.evolutionaryparenting.com. If you do want to make changes, there are gentle methods (try the no-cry sleep solution) and I'd strongly recommend waiting until after the four month sleep regression as it's often hell!

Co-sleeping is a hard habit to break unless you are happy to wait until your DD is ready to stop co-sleeping herself.

As for "you're spoiling her", that sounds like projection of some kind. In my 10+ years of parenting I can't say I have ever come across someone who's actually said that in relation to attachment parenting, including older generations and many different kinds of people I've come across.

If you are unable to get your DD sleeping in her own space (which is better in terms of SIDS advise), any sleep training that involves distress isn't something I could consider until baby is older.

I would recommend a full sized bedside cot. Just take one side off a full sized cot and butt it up to your bed.

This allows you to lean into the cot and comfort/cuddle. But also allows the baby to have her own space.

My children have never liked a crib / moses basket / carry cot. The lack of space is restricting.

If it is working for you, then carry on. Quite frankly, if you have enough, then you can sleep train. Sleep training can be done at any age but it is rather pointless before 6 months as they don't have the awareness that you're still there but that they can't see you until then. They're essentially too young to learn before they're 6 months old really. You can work on healthy sleep habits but try not to worry too much before then.

Sleep training is much easier if it is done before they can pull up to stand because a standing baby has to lay back down to go to sleep. There are no deadlines however and if you're both getting enough rest by safely co-sleeping then do carry on until it isn't working for you.

These books are supposed to be helpful

www.amazon.co.uk/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/1480590002

www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_26/277-0111451-5154517?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=happiest%20baby%20on%20the%20block&sprefix=happiest+baby+on+the+block%2Cstripbooks%2C144

when i was swithering over whether or not to start co-sleeping with my (then, hourly waker) ds, one of my dads friends said "we're the only animals that, when it gets dark and frightening, move our babies far away from us." It gave me 'permission' to follow my instincts, and made me a more confident parent. It sounds like neither you or your dd want to stop co-sleeping so its going to be really hard! pushing the cot right up to the bed with one side off and endlessly googling safe co-sleeping works for us

We had a Bednest for the first six months but even then occasionally dragged baby into bed with us after the first 2 months if she was really distressed or if she woke at 5 to get an extra couple of hours sleep (getting rid of pillows/duvet obviously).

Now she is 18 months old she still occasionally comes into bed with us but more often than not sleeps through in her cot. We always put her down in the cot first and only bring her in with us if she wakes in the night.

This is after I ended up in tears at work one day as we were doggedly pacing up and down trying to settle her in her own cot for most of the night when we were going through a no co-sleeping phase. Another woman at work advised me to co sleep again as that way everyone gets enough sleep to function the next day! Plus I think DD was using that time to reconnect with me after leaving her all day.

I agree with the previous poster- leaving babies in cots alone is what we all do in the west but it's not natural for animals or for most humans!

I has Ds2 sleeping with me until he was about 4 months. I wanted him out of my bed when he learned to roll, and I quite wanted my husband back in it! So I started putting him down at 7 pm in his own cot. Never left him to cry for more than a minute or so, just kept going back and going back until he went to sleep. It took about 3 weeks for him to self settle.

I used to wake him up at some point before midnight for a feed, and then he'd wake me up some time in the small hours for another feed. Initially both of these were in my bed (while I slept, frankly). First I started putting him back in his bed after the first feed, then when that was going well, I put him back after the second feed too, so within a month or 6 weeks, he was in his own bed full time.

Maybe this helps? Good luck with whatever you do. I slightly miss co-sleeping, but I must say I get a lot more sleep now!

If it feels right for you and you're happy to keep doing it then continue co-sleeping. As pp said, it can be a hard habit to break unless you're happy to wait until there ready to move into their own bed (my niece asked for her own bed at around 2).
As for spoiling them, I don't believe you can spoil a baby. The more love and attention they receive as a baby actually makes them a more secure child.

GunShotResidue I believe it's 6 months because by then most babies have object permanence, so they know you still exist if they can't see you. Not 100% sure though

*they're

Also meant to add that my nephew didn't ask for his own bed until 4 so it changes from child to child.

i should add, i dont mean everybody should co-sleep because thats what the animals do! i just mean your instincts dont come out of nowhere and keeping your baby close just because your gut says so is perfectly valid. I felt a lot calmer once i realised how powerful and correct mothering instincts can be. Also sarah ockwell-smith writes about co-sleeping a fair bit in the gentle sleep guide, might be worth looking up for answers to your critics! (sciencey stuff about how its making your baby brainy and not spoiled )

Thanks for all the input. I do love having her there where I can see and feel her resting peacefully. I suppose they're not babies for long and this time is so special, it is a very strong instinct, when I try to ignore it and keep attempting to settle her in her cot it pains me.

I actually get a really good sleep this way. Though I did wake the other morning and glance over to see what I thought was her face down on the bed - turns out it was just my eyes! She sleeps on her side with her head on my boob until she's totally KO'd then she flops onto her back.

Screw it, I'm going to go with my heart and stop worrying about when i'll get more sleep but instead think on what's best for my little bean-bag.