Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Sleep

Join our Sleep forum for tips on creating a sleep routine for your baby or toddler. Need more advice on your childs development? Sign up to our Ages and Stages newsletter here.

Original poster

Quick help please

14 replies

ThisFenceIsComfy · 16/04/2015 20:05

Right so DP is putting DS to bed for the first time in nearly three years right now.

It's not going well. DS is sobbing for me while DP is in the room. I'm reluctant to go up as think we should wait it out and not give in as it were. But... I feel like a heartless bitch. Advice please please

I did talk a lot today to make DS aware that DP would be doing bedtime tonight.

OP posts:
Needsweetstosurvive · 16/04/2015 20:25

If he is crying for you I would just go up to him. You need to do it when you aren't home as I'm sure your DS is aware you are in the house which is why he is crying for you. My DS1 was nearly 3yo by the time DH first put him to bed, it was on an evening when I was out so wasn't around. My DS knew I wasn't home so no point in asking for me, he went to bed no problems. Quite surprising in a sad sort of way, I thought he would miss me but obviously not! Anyway, its been a while since you posted, how did it pan out?

Original poster
ThisFenceIsComfy · 16/04/2015 20:32

He's still crying so shall I just go up?

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 16/04/2015 20:37

You are undermining your husband if you go in and take over.

I wouldn't. I would assume my husband is more than capable of finding ways to console his child (which he absolutely is), even if he was very, very upset and takes a long time.

I would trust my husband completely to be kind and caring and have his childs best interests always at heart and so I know my husband would call me in if he felt my presence would be best for the child and the situation in the bigger picture.

Needsweetstosurvive · 16/04/2015 20:38

I would. It's not like he is messing around or being naughty, he just wants a hug from his Mum! If that is all it will take to get him calm and sleeping just do it. Some might not agree with me and would be firmer and leave him, I can't recommend that as it wouldn't feel right to me.

Needsweetstosurvive · 16/04/2015 20:41

Fate's response does make sense to be honest. It's hard because if you weren't at home your husband would have to deal with it anyway but the situation may have been caused because your DS knows you are there but won't go to him. Hence my suggestion of trying it when you are out!

Original poster
ThisFenceIsComfy · 16/04/2015 21:04

We have tried it twice when I was out. DS just refused to go to bed apparently and when I came home, he's was still awake. Once at 10pm! Although I'm not sure if my DP really tried to put him to bed, more he just waited for me. I don't have many opportunities to go out so it's hard. Trouble is I'm starting part time night work soon and I'm really worried about DS going to bed.

Anyway the whole episode culminated in DP coming downstairs and say hi that I hadn't warned him enough (DP, not DS) and so basically it's all my fault it failed Sad

I feel like a really crap shit mum now

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisFenceIsComfy · 16/04/2015 21:05

Sorry for all the typos. Autopredictive text hates me too

OP posts:
Needsweetstosurvive · 16/04/2015 21:13

Your DP doesn't sound as supportive as you need him to be. If you are starting night work then its going to happen, whether your DS or DP like it or not. Just keep talking to your DS about it and when the time comes for you to work I would just go and try to forget about it until I got back home. They will both get used to it eventually and will sort out their own routine. Try not to worry about it, that won't help and will stress you out more. The fact you feel so bad proves how good a Mum you are as you obviously care a lot. Kids are great at making us feel we are doing a crap job! Hopefully someone else might pop along soon with some other ideas.

FATEdestiny · 16/04/2015 21:31

So did you go to DS in the end and do bedtime? That's not the answer and isn't helpful to your DHs confidence in his ability to do this, or your DSs confidence that Daddy doing bedtime will be OK.

Surely a reasonable compromise and interim would be to do it together - both of you say together both doing bedtime jointly.

Gradually DH takes more of the bedtime 'jobs' (like PJs on, story etc), but with you still there and taking part.

Original poster
ThisFenceIsComfy · 16/04/2015 21:37

Yes I went up. DP wanted me to. He can get DS into pyjamas and do story fine but DS then just goes crazy as soon as stories have finished.

Doing bedtimes jointly more is a good idea though, thank you. I will suggest it.

I absolutely do not want to undermine DP at all. I know that's not helpful for anyone.

OP posts:
lexyloub · 17/04/2015 05:26

You say you talked a lot to ds about Daddy putting him to bed do you think you may be talked about it too much causing ds to become worried and anxious making him think too much about it. Did it really need the all day build up?? Why has it taken Dad 3 years to put his son to bed?? I think you've made a rod for your own back

Original poster
ThisFenceIsComfy · 17/04/2015 07:47

Usually it helps warning DS ahead of time about stuff but I take your point.

I haven't intentionally made a rod for my own back. My DP worked shifts at the beginning so just wasn't at home for a lot of bedtimes.

We talked about it last night and decided we are just going to do joint bedtimes and try and gradually swap it from me to my DP.

OP posts:
lexyloub · 17/04/2015 08:38

By talking a lot about it to your ds you've initiated a problem before there was one. Doing gradually sounds like a plan ie start bedtime together then Dad leaves, then get Dad to start bedtime you come in half way through to take over, leading up to you just coming in at the end then eventually not at all rather than completely not there at all straight away.

Original poster
ThisFenceIsComfy · 17/04/2015 08:41

Yes you're right. I think gradual imperceptible steps towards DP doing bedtime has to be the way forward rather than the screamy mess that was last night

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page