Cosleeping with toddler and newborn in bedside crib?

[Lilipot15]

Has anyone managed this successfully? We have a 14 month old who often ends up coming into bed with me (DH moves into spare room) at some point - haven't tackled this due to being back at work, tired and pregnant, DH has a big commute so just doing what we have to to maximise sleep.
BUT new baby arriving in 9 weeks!! I had hoped this was a phase but it has been about 3 months now.
She struggles to settle at bedtime or in night for DH, even though fine with him rest of the time and goes down for naps in cot much calmer for him than me.
We also move house soon, so can't really envisage being able to sort it quickly as I guess that will unsettle DD.
We have a bedside crib in which I plan that new baby will sleep (in the Sleepyhead if necessary) so I can feel that if I am between them it would be safe, BUT, I'm worried about toddler being woken by frequent night feeds and crying from newborn then her not settling off again, then a vicious circle of them both waking each other....
Has anyone successfully managed a situation like this?
Guess the only plus is that new baby will arrive in summer so if I DD is STILL screaming for ages unless I put her down in cot and sit until she sleeps (but for up to an hour) DH will just have to take new baby out for a walk and try a bottle of EBM (not entirely sure where the time to express will come from).
Any suggestions welcome, thanks.

No personal experience but my close friend had to (no choice on her part, just necessity in order to sleep) co-sleep her eldest for several years. She had her second with an 18 month age gap so had both in her room for a time.

Suffice to say that my friend made damn sure her second was a much better sleeper. He would sleep through anything, was made to accept a dummy rather than be fed to sleep, was put down in own cot awake from birth and in own room sleeping through by 6 months. She was very firm with regards to his sleeping habits.

So while it was hard that she had both with her for 6 months, her second was far less 'difficult' in terms of sleep since she was very, very firm with him so that mistakes were not repeated.

Is she in a bed or a cot? I would be tempted to put her in a bed (double maybe if possible) so if need be dh can go in with her while you sleep with baby. Not ideal but as long as everyone is getting sleep I would probably make do.

We've just got ds sleeping through in his own bed by using a reward chart. It's really worked but he's 2.4 not sure he would have grasped the concept at 14 months.

Thanks. She's in a cot. Problem is that she won't accept DH dealing with night wakes - we've been trying this and she just screams. She's so happy with him at all other hours is the day, goes to him for cuddles if poorly, settles in cot for him at naps etc....
It's a vicious circle as if he tries to settle her and she gets more upset she wakes up more and will take much longer (think 90 mins) to get back off again. So to make life more bearable, I've usually just padded through to her room and brought her in quite swiftly if she is obviously awake and crying rather than just an odd cry in the sleep. It's difficult for him too as he tries hard and really does very little different to what I do.
I do hope that the second will be a better sleeper, full of plans as to how we might achieve this!

FATEdestiny - your friend's story gives me hope that it can be done. I suppose as DD gets older her understanding may improve that if there is a noisy baby in same room as her and waking her, it might be more peaceful in own room. I can but hope!
Presently I spend a lot of time fretting about it with little idea how I'm going to sort it out, but have muddled through thus far....
Any other suggestions / experiences most welcome!

At 14 (or 16) months old, honestly, I doubt she'll have the understanding or rationale to just decide to sleep in her room. Sorry.

I gave my friends situation as an example because you asked about co-sleeping with two. I dealt with a similar situation but in a very different way.

My eldest (DD) was taking about 2 hours to get to sleep every night and waking 3 or 4 times through the night at 12 months old. In her own room though. At this point I was 7 months pregnant with DS (14 month age gap between children) and reached the 'something must be done' point.

I am not proud of the fact but we decided to go for Cry It Out with DD. In the knowledge that we would have a newborn soon and could not cope with DD carrying on as she was.

So we ensured she had her dummy attached to sleeping bag (so she could put it into her own mouth), was fed, clean, warm enough etc. Then just left her to cry, going back in about every 10 minutes for brief reassurance and then leaving again. Took 3 nights to solve. The change in her once she learnt to have good quality sleep without the faff was amazing, like a different girl.

It wasn't suddenly perfect. She still woke in the night for milk. But it was simple and fuss free (and could me done by DH while I dealt with the newborn) to give her a beaker of milk, put her back in the cot and leave.

My friends convinced toddler ds to cosleep with dh during the mums nights in hospital then mum with new baby in one bed and dh with toddler in the other. Worked well for their family.

Currently in bed with DD1 2 and 3

FATEdestiny oh yes, I know at the moment she is far too young to make the link between noisy baby and better to move into own room, I just mean as she gets older at some point that might click so it won't be forever.
Problem with us trying any methods that involve crying is that when DD cries at bedtime she goes berserk, screaming, sweating, shuddering - this feels too much to leave. Was your child like this? I know from reading other's posts that some babies have more of a quiet protest cry that winds down.
Museumum, yes presumably she will just have to fall asleep for DH at some point during my (at least one) night in hospital. She has actually settled for him one night I worked late, but then woke up later and did the usual when he went in. It's like she has a sense if I am in the house!

softly, how old are your DDs? Are you regularly all ending up together?

Sorry fell asleep

5, 2 and 9m

DD1 was always a good sleeper in her own room but DD2 was an absolute nightmare from day 1. DD1 was very much a whimper and sleep baby but DD2 would be more like yours, screamed herself sick if not cosleeping until just under 2 when she was aware enough to understand threats bribery discussion about sleeping in her bed. But even when in her own room she still woke around 2am to get into ours.

Anyway when DD3 was born she regressed and while she started in her bed she invariably got into mine and I just went with what got me the most sleep which was to cosleep with both.

Then DD1 felt left out and started creeping in and laying across our feet like a puppy!

Luckily we have a super king size.

I would say the vast majority of the time I have both younger DDs in my bed half the night and every 3 nights have all 3. Now DD3 is 9mo and more of a whimper than a scream baby I am trying to settle her in her cot in our room and her crying has only once woken the other DDs. I find anyway that bf cosleeping babies just don't scream as much as their needs can be met instantly. (I ff DD1 so have a comparison).

Just a few warnings.

You HAVE to sleep between the DCs it is not safe to have older DCs to sleep next to the baby.

Do try and get some time with DH, DD2 being as challenging as she was one or other of us was absorbed with her at all times and we forgot each other.

It depends what type of sleeper your older DC is. It works for us because while they are a bugger to get off to sleep they are fairly deep sleepers and aren't easily disturbed if I get up to change nappies etc and even if they are a quick cuddle and they resettle with me.

softly thanks - that is really helpful. The new baby will be in a bedside crib which goes flush by the side of our bed, and has a zip up side, so with that and me being in the middle I feel fairly confident that even if oldest child decides to roam in the night the newborn will be safe.
Guess time will tell how much of a deep sleeper DD is - she often stirs when we go to bed, but not too bad when DH gets up at 6am for work (if she's in with me).
We do luckily have a superking - irony is that since we've bought it, it's been more for me and DD rather than DH! But the point about ensuring that we make time for each other is also important.
Are you all on the mattress on the floor, or is it on a divan? We just don't have room at present for the mattress to be on the floor, so I've created a barricade so that DD can't climb out too easily. She's pretty good at making a noise when she wakes toco.
And I do plan to breastfeed the second baby so hopefully as you say the noise and disruption in the night for baby feeds won't be too bad....I plan to learn to feed sleeping down much quicker this time - last time for some reason I often got DD up and trekked into her room to sit on a chair, was far easier once we just fed in my bed!

No a big old wooden framed thing! I have DD3 actually in the bed with a cot making a barricade on her side.

The other side with older DDs I use pillows or what works well is a pool noodle under the sheet to make a lip so they can't roll off. Or one of those long dream genie pillows. Then I just make sure that there is no bedside table or anything for them to bang on if they do fall out and a load of pillows/folded duvet on the floor so they have a soft landing if they were determined enough to fall out!

I've found side lying feeding really easy and for big boobs just prop it with a folded muslin or your hand like an all night baby buffet

I also have the "Snuza baby go" monitor on her nappy which gives me a little piece of mind.

*peace

I have 3 yo DD in bed with us (technically she has her own bed but is only in there to play!) and 6wo DS in a bedside cot and it all works very well! But DD and DP both sleep like logs so I can put the light on and change a nappy without waking Her!

I'm 41 weeks pg with dc2 and co sleep with dd1 who is 2.1 so will soon be able to talk from experience! But for now here is my plan

I have set up the room with king size bed with bed rail on one side and sidecar cot on other (wall) side. also have the Moses basket in the room about a metre from the bed rail side
My plan is to aim to use Moses basket for newborn initially and will just carry it round wherever I am so I can get dd to sleep in evening then go downstairs etc. to get baby to sleep and relax in evenings. sidecar cot is for backup on days I'm really exhausted or if Moses basket idea is a fail. I am not worried at all about waking dd, rather my main worry is not leaving her with the baby at any time as obviously I will have to go to the loo at night sometimes.
Dh sleeps in other room.

Also I should add.. Dd1 was still bf at night until about 18 ish months maybe a bit later, At which point she did seem to change a bit in that she could suddenly tolerate stay over at my dm's and dh put her to bed etc. it was a natural change no training involved.

However she was and is definitely unsettled by changes around her eg we moved house when she was around 15 m , got pg about that time too, and I think these things all impacted on her and probably missed a few windows when she otherwise might have night weaned / moved to own room etc.

Probably why we will also be tandem feeding too as she has become more obsessed with bf as the pregnancy has gone on rather than weaning as I had hoped

when DD cries at bedtime she goes berserk, screaming, sweating, shuddering - this feels too much to leave. Was your child like this?

Oh yes. In fact the screaming actually started on first being put into her cot whether we were there comforting her or not. So the fact that we decided to start leaving her made no real difference to the level of crying. She would only stop if we picked her up, which we didn't do at bedtime because bedtime is for sleeping.

So yes, screaming until sick - tick. Done that. Screaming until literally red (then almost blue) in the face. Tick, done that.

She was protecting because she didn't want to sleep in her cot. DH and I took it as out job as parents to accept we knew what was good for her and we knew best - so we needed to teach her to sleep in the cot.

None of my three subsequent children have been difficult at bedtime. I never let the same mistakes be made again

Thanks for the tips, glad I'm not the only one who will be doing this! I probably just need to accept that we will do what we need to do and go with the flow....one friend did say to me that in all her 3 subsequent pregnancies, her youngest baby/toddler went through a much more clingy to mum and challenging phase - only time will tell if this is the case for DD!
If only "going with the flow" was as easy to do as it is to type ;-)
I think the looming move is unsettling me a bit which is probably transmitting to DD.

Well you'll either be a parent like Fate who decides that "cruel to be kind" is the way to go and is comfortable with what that entails or you will be a muddle through-er like me that goes with the path of least resistance (not on behaviour though! ) and is happy to accept that means things may be a bit more haphazard.

Neither is wrong, it is what you as a parent chooses to do and what you feel comfortable with.

The only time I struggle is when I go against my own instincts to be honest.

Yes, softly, lots of my friends with older kids have told me how I iust need to do controlled crying, but right now, "muddling through" seems to be the way for us. That's not to say that things won't change, one thing I've learnt is that all babies different and all families have their own ways that work. Good to learn from other's experiences though!