So he can self-settle with me in the room. What next?

[blushingmare]

DS is 11mo. He wakes 2-3 times per night and I bring him into bed and feed him back to sleep (he's still in a cosleeper cot). At bedtime he now no longer feeds to sleep and most recently I have put him down pretty awake and lay down on my bed next him and (after much rolling around and general mauling of me!) he eventually settles off to sleep without needing any patting or anything like that from me.

So I feel like he's starting to get self-settling a bit, but obviously I need to be very close to him and also of course it's totally different in the middle of the night when it's just quicker and easier to feed him back to sleep.

With this in mind can anyone advise what our next stage should be and how to achieve in in as stress-free way as possible?

I guess I should be moving further away from him at bedtime, but the problem is his cot is open on one side so me lying there also forms a physical barrier to stop him climbing onto my bed! Maybe I should be trying the same when he wakes at night, but he normally wakes up cross and crying unlike his contended rolling around happily at bedtime and I have a very low threshold for crying in the middle of the night!

I'd put the side on as a next step. Just focus on bedtime if it's easier. Still lie next to him but with side up. Then gradually move cot away from bed. Personally I think it will be really tough to stop feeding at night when he sleeps so close to you so would work on that first.

Thanks - I think you're right. Probably need to be putting the side on anyway as he's moving around more and more. I just know settling him at night will be more involved - ie, I'll have to actually sit up and settle him rather than just reach out a hand, so I've been putting it off as just love the sleep I get with him so accessible! Also, he seems really dependent on me being very close to settle at bedtime and in the night and I just don't feel I have the strength to battle!

What is your eventual aim? That should inform your next step I think! my little girl sleeps in a cot at the end of our bed, doesn't self settle but sleeps relatively well (11months, one very brief wake-up at 3am) so I am happy with this (although see my own thread, considering nightweaning as am starting night shifts soon). However I know a lot of people would consider this poor sleep at almost a year old and are prepared to put in the work to have baby sleep in own room all night.

Good question milkyway! Well eventually of course I'd like him to be in his own room, but I don't hold out much hope of that being any time soon as I know I don't have the resolve to do anything particularly proactive about it. I suppose shorter term it would be great if I could leave him to settle himself to sleep at bedtime without crying. Also a reliable just one wake up after I've gone to bed would be brilliant.

Is your cot a drop side cot?

We deliberately bought a drop side cot as our co-sleeper cot. The drop side was taken off initially. But then when put on we were able to make a low barrier with the side in a permanently dropped position when the side was put back on. This makes reaching a hand over and settling a much easier affair. I'm not night feeding though and the side being on would affect feeding.

I second the best path being side on at first, then moving the cot a little away from your bed, then a but further, then Daddy's side of the bed, then the end of your bed, then the corner of your room, and so on.

Thanks. And with the cot further away from the bed, how are you settling the baby? Would the aim be to not go to him to physically settle him and just talk to him, or would I get up and sit with him to resettle etc? Just trying to get any idea of how it works in practice for people

I'd sit up and place a hand on baby's shoulder (and re-insert dummy) with some reassuring noises if needed, which is what I do from the bed anyway.

The idea is that you gradually move from resettling with feeding, to just cuddles, to just patting in cot, to just shhing/vocally soothing, to just being next to them. Then, you can start moving them further away (or you move further away if they are in own room. You obviously don't have to do all those steps, just an example of how gentle a process it can be.

An alternative would be to put aside a week to get him in his own room. Maybe make a comfy nest on his floor next to cot and then work on the selfsettling from there. So own room, then work on night weaning, then self settling. It might be harder work for you at the outset because you'll have to get out of bed at night but you might find that being further away from you stops the night waking anyway.