Crying it out - 40 minutes?

[NomadK]

How long should you let a child "cry it out"? My neighbours let their 18-month-old scream hysterically, sometimes for way over half an hour, before they go in and calm him down. He is teething and their health visitor says they should let him "cry it out/self soothe". I'm sure this couple is doing their best, but it is very upsetting (not mention disturbing - the walls are thin in a terrace!) hearing him being left to scream for so long. I just wonder if they're getting the best advice. Every parent I have spoken to says they would never leave a child so obviously in distress for so long. (Sorry if this question is in the wrong place or has been answered elsewhere - I'm not a regular!)

There are no should or shouldn't's, parents do what they feel comfortable with or what they feel is right. I would never do that to either of my children, teething or not. I think it is cruel and there are kinder ways to help out little one settle. People are too worried about what they think kids should be doing and forget they are only babies for a short time.

Are you sure they're not in and out? My 18mo old just screamed for nearly 40mins tonight at bedtime but dh or I was with him most of the time. Didn't stop him screaming. He just doesn't like admitting it's really bedtime.

Have you spoken to the parents? How do you know what they've been told?

Crying it out is one thing. Hysterical screaming is quite another. But ultimately it is up to the parents. Unless you think it is a child protection issue.

Och, this fence is uncomfortable.

Personally I'd never leave ds screaming or crying. It's an alien concept to me entirely but I completely respect that others use cc and cio.

I was going to say that...are you sure he was just left? Maybe he was just inconsolable.

As much as you can hear through walls you can't see. You do not know if they are going in to sooth at regular intervals.

Otoh - if this family do other things that concern you, then combined with the above would set alarms.

I've been rocking and ssshing dd and it's made not a jot of difference to her wailing. I bet my neighbours think I'm just leaving her.

On the other hand, if the child is suffering from pain, I wouldn't be leaving him but I'm not sure what the solution would be assuming he's fully calpolled, teething gel, crystals etc etc.

I agree, our dd used to scream for hours. We were accused of all sorts by our neighbour, and they threatened to talk to social services about us. Only thing is, we only ever left her for ten mins at the most, to have a breather from the onslaught. Our baby was suffering with repeated ear infections and in constant pain. I was so upset, I got my GP to take a copy of a letters the neighbour had written onto my DD's file, with a note to indicate how worried it had made us. Yes it's awful to listen to, but even worse to live day after day, especially when you realise that there is an audience, who think you are mistreating your baby. An awful. awful time. Perhaps see if you can help them, they may appreciate you taking the baby in its pram for a walk, give them a break?

Thanks for all your help! I don't think it's as dramatic as a child protection issue - they seem good parents. Their other (older) child seems perfectly happy, so I'm sure it will pass. And yes, I have spoken to them, that's how I know what they have been told by their health visitor. And in the middle of the night, I can hear when the parents walk along their old wooden floorboards in and out of his room - as soon as they go in, he stops screaming. Which is why I find it hard that they leave him for so long. I understand that it must be very stressful for them - he does cry an awful lot, day and night. I just need some sleep too - I don't know how you parents do it!