Want to sleep 'train' but too much of a wimp

[Starch1e]

I currently hold/cuddle 20mo DD till she falls into a deep enough sleep that I can put her in cot, which can mean up to 1.5hrs going numb and bored out of skull. I want to stop. But I'm too much of a wimp. Tonight I let her cry scream hysterically for 3mins before giving in.

'Drowsy but awake' does not exist, if she is even the slightest bit awake she will leap upright and scream as if being murdered. Oh, and she has to have her scratchy cold pinchy little hand shoved down my top too to fall asleep.

Not expecting a magic solution, just need to vent!

Not a miracle cure by any stretch but something that seems to be working on our DS (granted he is 6mo so bit of an age difference) is a slightly adapted settle and leave method as I can't cope with full on controlled crying...

What I do is kiss and say goodnight to DS, put down and even if crying leave the room, count to 30 at a sensible pace, if still crying go back in, place my hand on his chest and whisper quietly to him until he is quiet, then I leave the room straight away, the crying usually started instantly but still leave, do the 30 count and repeat ad nauseum. The first time I think I did this a good 20 times before he crashed out, then the next time it was slightly less and a week on the most I'm going back in is twice and that's if he gets really overtired but this afternoon nap he went straight down.

It's totally up to you what you consider to be crying, grizzling and moaning I totally ignore, I only go back in if he's truly crying. I appreciate that having a mobile and insistent 20mo is a lot different but one key thing I found is to not pick up when settling them down, seemed to just wind DS up more.

for you, good luck with whatever you choose to do xx

We had a sleep regression with our DS at this age and he got very clingy at bedtime, ie mega screams. We had a 5 min cuddle then put him into bed and then stood by the side until he fell asleep (lying him back down every time he stood up, took up to an hour at first), then over time moved to standing outside the door and going in when he needed soothing, then walking away but popping back to stroke his head every 1,2,3 mins. It took about 4 weeks but now when I give him a cuddle he actually asks for bed!

About letting them cry... at this age they have amazing capacity to cry for hours (I know as DS cried 3 hrs once). So we found we needed to find a softer method but I was adamant about being out of the room for him falling asleep as otherwise he would cry for me when he woke in the night and we had to start over again.

Hope that helps.

I didnt want to sleep train but i had no choice since i was returning to work! I felt like the worst mum ever but now i dont regret it.

Good luck op.

Thank you all. Septbaby and LeonardaCohen, thanks for tips will try again tonight! Nolim yes in similar situation - starting new job after Easter and need my evenings & sleep!

Hi my friend used family sleep consultant
She was very friendly, didn't judge. And her techniques are gentle, she taylor makes a plan to suit Your family & supports you for a week after she meets you or talks to you..
My friends baby (15months) was waking 10-12 times a night, now sleeps 7-7

Good luck ??

Hi Diane72 I have thought about using a sleep consultant. That will be the next step! At the moment I've just ordered 'No cry toddler sleep solution' and read this article today.

So update day 2 for anyone interested: I decided to stay in the room while she falls asleep. I'm sure it will make the process longer but leaving the room just feels too much of a harsh break from what she's used to. So put her in bed after usual stories & songs and it took an hour for her to fall asleep. Not too long considering some stories on Mumsnet! Hysterical screaming, a tantrum I guess for not getting what she's used to. I knelt by cot and was cuddling her over side for some of the time to calm her down and she practically fell asleep standing up in the end. Hope tomorrow is easier!

I swore I would never ever do controlled crying or anything like that. I was so against it.

After being back at work for a few months, exams looming and a baby that woke every 2-3 hours sometimes more at 12 months old I decided to go for it. He could not self settle. Not even once. He was bf or rocked to sleep until Saturday.

It took an hour of crying (the worst hour ever) Saturday night. Twenty minutes on Sunday night. And five tonight. He slept through for the first time ever on Sunday night i could not believe it. I feel awful but he was sooo much brighter today.

I'm in exactly the same situation. Hoping to crack it over Easter but too exhausted to face it at the moment. Let us know how you get on OP- and whether the no cry toddler sleep solution is worth a read. Good luck!

Hi snapple21 that's fantastic that he slept through after only couple of nights! Has it continued to be good?

hegoethdown Received book but haven't managed to read more than contents .

Nights 3-5 weren't too bad - some crying but was getting less. Had one night with only 1 waking, was able to resettle in cot and DD woke for the first (and so far only) morning in cot rather than ending up in our bed!

All changed on night 6. I'm not sure if she's suddenly less tired at bedtime, or if its the clock change and lighter evenings. She's now quite happy to be put in cot but has decided to institute some new games once she's in cot and is not interested in lying down to sleep, so I'm still spending up to an hour in room till she's asleep. DD started nursery this week and DH is around in evenings rather than last week when he was out every evening - so lots of other changes. Last few nights have also involved a poo 30mins after lights out so taking longer as need to sort that!

Plan for next few nights is to get tougher once in cot and not engage at all with games.

Yes a week now of sleeping through, after a year of it never ever happening I can't believe it. If he wakes in the night he goes to sleep within a couple of minutes. He couldn't do that last week!

This won't be what you want to hear but my experience for what it's worth....

Very similar story with DD -I had always been in with her and helped her get off to sleep. But the bedtime routine got longer and longer until about 22mo when she virtually wouldn't fall asleep at all with me in her room. I was often in there 2+hours. I was 8 months pregnant, exhausted and aware that I'd have a newborn soon and couldn't be doing it.

So I tucked her it, kissed her and told her "mummy's going downstairs to do the washing up" and left the room. She screamed for 45 mins the first night, 30 mins the second ,15 the third and by the fourth she lay down and said "mummy do the washing up" and sang herself to sleep.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done and I hated it, but it transformed bedtime and we've never looked back. She is an absolute dream at bedtime now. Way better than lots of friends' children who were brilliant self-settlers as babies.

I just posted most of this message on another thread so sorry to anyone reading both, but thought it might be helpful...

We are mid sleep training tonight. I always said if never do controlled crying but hit breaking point with 12 wake ups a night at 10 months so did it. This is the second time it worked really well before and then got broken by ear infection and sickness. So here we are again.

My HV is also a private sleep consultant, so has been really helpful. She says this:

1. Leave them for 10 seconds, then 20 seconds, then 30 etc, building up to 2 minutes.
2. Then keep going in every 2 minutes, never longer.
3. Have a phrase you always say. Always do the same, ie hug, say it's ok, put back in cot, say night night sleep time... Then leave.
4. keep going with 2 mins till they fall asleep.
5. When they wake leave them 2 mins then go in and keep doing 2 mins.
6. Start this at night then you can also do it for naps in the morning.

I found this great as 2 mins isn't that long. It feels ages but it's not really, so I didn't feel as bad leaving him just for that time. Couldn't have done longer. And it worked! Last time he was 10 months old - the first night was 2 hour 20 mins, next night was 18 mins, within a few nights he was sleeping within a couple of mins, often straight away no crying. It was a bad night if we got to 1 min 30 secs, but we never got to 2 mins again.

And he went from waking 10-12 times a night to once or twice, he always resettled fine, and started napping for 2 hours in the morning (previously max was 25 mins).

So we've just been doing it for an hour and he's just fallen asleep, phew! And know that it'll be worth it in a few nights.

Hope that's of some use to you, and you find something that works for you really soon. x