How to stop rocking/carrying baby to sleep

[Chickenorbeef]

First time mum needing help of all you experienced mums!

My boy is 3.5 months and a big boy weighing over 16 lbs. Have walked/rocked/bobbed him up and down to sleep pretty much since birth, and now he is too heavy to do this. Getting worried as I am going to end up hurting my back then won't be able to lift him at all.

Every nap is taking 20-30 mins of this...And he naps for only 40 mins. It is soul destroying...not to mention killing my arms, back, wrists etc. Cries every time I put him down. Have tried the settling, shh'ing, patting etc but none of this seems to work. Don't feel ready to leave him to cry as I think he is too young...

Created this problem myself I know but desperately need some advice to stop this. Anyone experienced and found anything that works? Please.

Thank you.

It's perfectly normal for your little one to need you to fall asleep at this age - it's a long time before the neo-cortex of their brain is developed enough to be able to self-soothe, so please don't leave him to cry! You're not creating bad habits etc.
So, for practical help... How about a rocking chair so you can be seated and rock him to sleep? Yoga ball to sit on and bounce? Or a sling and let him fall asleep while you go about your business? Pram? Introduce other sleep cues such as singing, a teddy/comforter that smells of you...?

Have you tired dummy and bouncy chair?

The dummy is great for teaching baby to soothe and settle to sleep alone, without your help. It taps into a babys natural suckling instincts.

Likewise the bouncy chair allows for gentle motion to get to sleep in the daytime, but in a hands-off way. Also means you can easily bounce baby through the end of one sleep cycle into another if they wake.

These two things teamed together mean baby learns to sleep without being held by you.

Sometimes use dummy but he finds it hard to keep it in and spits it out all the time, ends up keeping him awake as cries for it then. Dont have decent bouncy chair so that might be a good idea. As is just getting on with my day. At the moment i am completely consumed by getting him to nap during the day (following the sleep promotes sleep advice, in the hope I will see the benefit at night as he wakes so frequently). Maybe I should just get on with my life rather than spending most of my time at home trying to get him to nap. Nice to know he does actually still need the help though...some of my new baby group friends say they can just put their baby down and they just fall asleep on their own, they cant believe I spend ages rocking him to sleep still?! Oh, and their babies also sleep 8pm-6am...of course Hard not to compare isnt it!

I had a 45 minute napper at that age too. The best advice I have is not to let it rule your day- the short naps are something he will grow out of in time. Get out and about- babies adapt and it's actually a blessing to have a baby that sleeps on the go. If he sleeps in the pram use it, ditto sling. I found bouncy chair good at that age, but I've heard the swing chairs are brilliant for babies who like to be rocked. It's totally normal to need help to sleep- we as adults have sleep cues too. My little girl is now 10months- she falls asleep independently at night time now, and sleeps through most nights of late. She still needs help with naps- at home she goes into her buggy, rocked for a few minutes then we lie it flat and she's out like a light for 90mins (we finally outgrew the 45minute naps a month ago!); in nursery they rock/cuddle her to sleep. If she's in the sling she will sleep when tired too. If it helps I've also found a total disconnect between day and night sleep; this isn't true for everyone I know but with us it matters not if she naps for 30mins in a day or 4 hours, her nighttime sleep is precisely the same.

Thanks milkyway thats really helpful and reassuring. I need to stop stressing about it so much and just get on with my day, he will happily sleep in pram and sling. Always have much better days when im out doing stuff. Hes still pretty young i guess, think im getting ahead of myself. Like you say, they still need help to sleep.just need to go with it ! Thanks all

A lot of your baby group friends might be fibbing or they might not, but if they're not then their babies will probably change by next week anyway - sleep is a very changeable thing and you think it's sorted then a developmental leap occurs, or teething, or weaning, or nightmares and it all switches up again! Never compare your baby to others. You're likely not getting the whole story and they're all different so there's no 'should'. It pays to read about infant sleep from a scientific perspective, as understanding why it is as it is, is a massive leap towards being able to cope better with it. I recommend isis.org
Yes I forgot about swing chairs. They're brilliant if you need to put them down, and a sling for if you're out and about. I loved my ergo sling as it's super comfy and I can still carry DS in it as a toddler, and can feed him in it too.

I bought a second hand bouncy chair with vibrate setting. Best £10 I have ever spent. I definitely recommend one! It totally saved my sanity. Slings are brilliant too.

Thanks gnarlyoldoak. Just feels like no end in sight and I'm only 3 months down the line. Really want to continue breast feeding for as long as possible but this sleep deprivation is so hard. Not getting more than an hour at a time at the moment. Will get reading...need to stay sane

I feel your pain and used to get really stressed about it. DS is 14 months now and we still co-sleep and he has his naps mostly on me, all bf to sleep! I used to panic that I was creating all these bad habits, but I did some research and found that it was perfectly normal and understandable and no, he wouldn't still be doing this as a teenager. I simply changed my mindset and now I love the cuddles. They're only tiny for such a short while. He's started sleeping better on his own just recently - going longer in his cot before coming in with me (his first awakening after I've gone to bed - I simply cannot be arsed getting up and down to him all night!) and I'm able to put him down for his naps now after I've boobed him to sleep, but secretly I'm a bit gutted as I love the squidges and my tiny little boy is growing up!

I'm confident that allowing him all this dependency when he's tiny and needs it, rather than forcing independence on him early because society inexplicably dictates we should (to get them to fit in with our lifestyle) will ensure he is confident in his independence when he his older and ready for it.

I do so recommend co-sleeping (to the guidelines) and feeding lying down - it's a game changer!

You are so right! So much out there that says don't feed to sleep, put them down awake etc etc. Surely that is all taking away the nice things you experience having a baby? And if you are doing all those things you are 'making a rod for your own back' blah blah...hate that expression

Been so tempted to try co sleeping. My partner is really against it though. Easy for him to say no when he's not the one that has to get up 8-10 times in the night. Stupid question, but after a feed lying down do you then get up to wind him? My boy is so windy and often this wakes him 10 mins after I've put him down.

I might give it a few more weeks and if nothing changes i will give it a try. Something needs to change as cant continue like this, so exhausted

Thanks for your advice its reassuring to hear

Quite - you need to point out to your husband that you can be a much nicer wife if you aren't up and down that many times losing hours of sleep, and he'll likely be far less disturbed if you can remain in the same spot too! My husband loves it as I don't move a muscle all night, the baby doesn't cry and he gets to sleep through. We have a king size bed though... If he didn't like it I'd have told him to go and sleep in the spare room anyway

Ah and I used to briefly sit up and wind him every other feed but I found he didn't need winding so much if I fed lying down (stomach to stomach, both of us on our sides) anyway.

My 3.5 mth DD was exactly the same until a couple of weeks ago; it seemed the only way to get her to sleep in the house was to rock/bounce her in my arms (incidentally, we use a yoga/exercise ball to make the process more comfortable and efficient...can't recommend enough, so much easier than being on your feet!). I too was paranoid that I would still be doing this months down the line when she was too big for me to carry. But we kept trying just putting her down in her cot (in a very very dark room), singing her a lullaby and shhing/patting her, and giving her a dummy (not that she always took it), and letting her cry for a minute or two at a time (while in the room...I know it's not much fun but I honestly believe it's important to do that a little bit). We would do this for a while before giving up and bouncing her to sleep, then one day, out the blue, she just started being able to put herself to sleep without the bouncing. Since then we have not bounced her once :) so my advice would be not to stress, but keep trying and it will get better.

And if he sleeps in the pram, sling etc then take advantage of that! You will go crazy if you stay in the house all day trying to get him to nap. Just try and organise your day so nap times coincide with motion times....not easy I know though but worth trying. My experience with my DD so far has been the key thing is for her to get enough sleep in the day....doesn't seem to make any difference if this is 3 good naps at home or numerous naps 'on the go'.

Hope some of this helps and things improve soon (oh, and if the don't, I have found that a decent back massage can work wonders at making you feel less sore, albeit temporarily!).

Thanks qferrymum - may dig out my birth ball then and try that. Need to be a little more patient, as you say things change so quickly. But will keep trying...and hope like you he learns to fall asleep easier!

This is totally my life too at
The moment and my little one is 15 weeks old!! When oh when will this phase pass but i dont want to miss any of this phase..

So hard isn't it. Am a complete slave to the sleep right now

Sometimes he'll fall asleep after bf and if i am gentle enough when transferring him to the
Cot and he doesnt wake up then no rocking required. I have been seeing
Midwives for help and they said to follow sleep, eat, play routine and that to put baby in cot drowsy but not asleep. Tried but not possible. If put in cot drowsy, he wakes up and starts to cry as he cant fall asleep on his own. Sigh...what to do

My 6 month old is fed to sleep for naps and night. He's tiny, I want him to be comforted.

My 3 year old has been asleep since 6.40pm in his own room with no help from me.

It doesn't last forever! So whoever gets you through. Only nap in the sling or buggy? Let them nap there. Who cares where they nap?

The night wakings are very normal though I'm afraid - I'm not expecting a full night asleep any time soon!

Another recommendation for vibrating bouncer chair - worth a shot definately! It will get better

Mine is the same! Get a chair, they are wonderful! But mine did take a while to get used to it. Now she loves it and it means I get to shower and get ready in peace! Also a sling/carrier means you can crack on with jobs around the house too.

I've realised everyone is obsessed with babies sleeping through or babies self soothing etc... I got myself stressed over this until my HV told me it's all about survival for the first months, however you can get some sleep, do it! I realised they are little for such a short space of time that I want to make the most of that and not stress over routines etc. I co sleep, cuddle to sleep, let her sleep on me etc and I love it now! Explain to your husband you need some sleep and that the baby won't be in the bed for the next 13 years just months whilst you all get to grips with it. Mine sleeps in the spare room during the week as he is not good on broken sleep. Embrace the anti baby independence lifestyle! It's worked for me.

Broomy...couldn't agree with you more!

People are OBSESSED with the whole 'sleeping through' thing. Dont get me wrong would love for him to sleep more but this is not my main goal with my baby!! I want to be happy and healthy and breast feeding is my choice, even though this means regular wake up for possibly months to come! (Hopefully not years lol)

It is all a mind set thing isn't it. I need to chill out a little with the sleep like you say and just go with it. As everyone says, it will change and it will get better.

i came on here to write a post about daytime naps with my 4mo DS2 and whether or not It Was All My Fault....and i read this post and its all so familiar.

When my DS1 was little i'd go for a walk with the buggy to get him to sleep. when it rained i'd go for a drive/take buggy on underground. other times he'd feed to sleep and sleep on me. when weather got colder i started feeding to sleep and transferring to his cot. he'd only nap 30-45 mins, but at least i had a little hands free time....
as he got older he'd sleep for longer but would often no longer feed to sleep so i'd have to rock/cuddle to sleep. he'd still often sleep in buggy as was just easier for me to go for a walk get him to sleep then park him in the hall. each day was a question of how we'd get him to nap. days often revolved around them.
at 2.4yo he started refusing point blank to nap in cot - or buggy - so DP or i had to take him in the car for his nap. this was when DS2 was born and it was becoming unsustainable so a couple months ago we just dropped his nap. best day of my life!!!! over 2.5yo of stress and faffing and anxiety and effort over his naps finally over!!!!!!

and now we come to DS2...

things would be different. no obsessing about naps, no endless rocking, feeding, walking through wind and rain to get him to sleep. i'd have DS1 to look after so wouldnt be able to plan entire day around DS2. would i..??!!

let's just say i'm typing this on my laptop single handed (wrong hand) while DS2 is fast asleep on me, nipple hanging out of his mouth, milk drooling, gently snoring.....

yes, its adorable. yes he needs me. yes its normal and lovely for him to need me and these are what memories are made of blah blah.....BUT..

he basically only sleeps on me or in the sling when i have DS1. i dream of being able to put him in his cot awake and let him get on with it, so i can spend some time with DS1 or just pee...

thing is there are loads of gentle ways to work towards this and one day - when i'm less tired??? - i'll start them, but i have a fear of him not napping. or not getting enough sleep during the day. the days he naps well i feel like mother earth, days he barely naps (because the sling is good but he wont sleep for long, sometimes only 20/30 min at a time) i feel like a big fucking failure who cant provide her child with necessities of life like sleep! given the choice i always do thing which will get them to sleep - even if its not convenient or a long term solution.

i know from experience that things always change and get better and i dont believe in rods and backs and leaving babies to cry, and i co sleep sometimes and its lovely, and i know he's so little, and i love that he sleeps so close to me etc.

but its the obsession about his naps and 'is he getting enough' and 'would he be happier sleeping 'properly' in the cot' and 'i can't carry him in a sling forever' worries that get to me. i too have spent entire days just trying to get my kids to sleep and stay asleep, and its so boring. the single greatest source of anxiety, worry, tears, self-doubt, misery of parenting has been daytime naps. Not even DS1 waking every 90mins every night for 15months gave me that amount of stress.

so here i am again, with a boob obsessed baby who has never been put down awake, and only naps on or with me. i suspect it is my fault :(

plus side is that we get out a lot either just DS2 and i or all of us as a family as we're not tied to the cot or a routine.

counting the days til he drops his daytime sleep.....

I so feel your pain although i cant imagine having a toddler to manage at the same time.

I am the same...id rather take him out for walk to get him to sleep than spend 45 mins trying for him to then only sleep for 30. He sleeps for way longer in the pushchair. Im on a first floor flat however so i cant bring him in and leave in hallway! So i carry on walking....and walking....and walking. The other day I was out for three sodding hours whilst he slept (his longest ever nap!)....freezing my arse off in the park and looking like a mental case. But as someone already said on this thread, despite how hard you try during the day this doesn't effect his night time. Nights are fucked (excuse my french) anyway so why spend hours of my life in the day trying to get him to nap more?!?

How does he sleep during the night then? We are on roughly 2-3 hours at the moment which is slowly driving my bonkers. I find it so hard to sleep in between feeds. Last night i went to bed early as was so tired but ended up not dropping off until gone midnight after his second wake up. Woke this morning feeling like death after roughly three hours of broken sleep. Told my hubby that i was going to run away some days i just feel like giving up!

he generally wakes 2/3 times a night. usually asleep by 630pm, and his first wake up is between 11pm-12am so he has a good chunk at the start of the night. after that he usually wakes every 2hrs, but after 4am it can be every hour which is when i tend to bring him into bed. to be honest the worst thing is that'll often fall asleep when feeding him, wake up 1/1.5hrs later with a numb bum, put him back in cot knowing he'll be awake in half an hour.

you bought back memories with your epic three hr walk/sleep. I actually wore a hole in my sandals when DS1 was little. thank god he was a summer baby. he used to wake as soon as i stopped walking - I remember walking in circled while I waited for lights to change. Wasn't til around 8 months when we moved into a house that he started sleeping for longer in his cot and I could bring the buggy in and he wouldn't wake. We were in a flat too before that and I remember the neighbour finding me in the hallway, pushing buggy back and forward while I ate my M&S salad WITH MY HANDS as I couldn't leave the buggy to go get a fork as he'd wake...

the things we do.....

it gets easier though, i promise. DS1 has gone through many periods of putting himself to sleep at bedtime and during the night. THe fact that DP is back to lying on his flo]or at bedtime while he falls asleep is another story...

gotta go as DS2 getting cranky and needs a sleep so I guess I need to get the sling out again..... Need to pick DS1 up from nursery anyway so not so bad, no need to walk round and round the streets aimlessly, I can actually get something done!!!