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Im getting really angry at 7 month old

45 replies

atWitsEndNow · 02/03/2015 12:19

Hi my 7 month old is crying in her cot right now. I had to leave the room im so angry I'm shaking and crying. I feel like a terrible person. She just won't go to sleep. She has no routine at all, when she sleeps I let her I'm so welcome for the break.

She was doing all the signs of being tired. I've been rocking her and doing pick up put down for an hour and a half but she won't sleep. She isn't sleeping well at night either. She was waking every hour in the cot so moved her to our bed which is better but she isn't going to bed for the night until about midnight and then is waking between 7/8am, with about one nighttime waking for a feed.

Im worried I've done everything wrong.

OP posts:
atWitsEndNow · 02/03/2015 21:03

Thank you cooper. Ive been doing lots of reading online and peoples suggestoons in this post and I think I was just throwing everything at her at once.

Now I feel bad for confusing her. I'm so tired I seem to be doing everything wrong at the moment. I don't know if I'm cut out for having a baby Sad. I'm so worried about when my maternity leave ends and I go back to work, I constantly worry I don't talk to her enough or play with her enough in the day. I worry she hasn't taken to solid foods as fast as some other babies I know. I think I'm doing it all wrong.

OP posts:
ThisFenceIsComfy · 02/03/2015 21:06

You are not doing it all wrong. Please don't think that. You sound like a lovely caring thoughtful mum, just tired. What does your instinct tell you to do?

Iggly · 02/03/2015 21:10

Why don't you try an hour earlier and do it all in the bedroom? Do you have decent blackout blinds?

Also will she sleep in her pushchair or a sling? I used these for both DCs when younger - got me in good shape as I'd be walking at least twice a day (one morning nap one early afternoon).

atWitsEndNow · 02/03/2015 21:11

I don't know Fence. I don't think I have an instinct. I don't think I work as a human being. I should have been born a table or a pebble.

OP posts:
FluffyTheEvilOne · 02/03/2015 21:12

Dd didn't have an evening routine at 7mth, and therefore DH and I had no evening either! It used to be normal for her to go to sleep at 10pm. We started a routine about 2 months ago (she is 11mth now), which looks like this:
6 (ish) - dinner, followed by quiet play (noisy toys hidden, tv off or tuned to cbeebies bedtime)
7 - bath time, bedtime milk bottle
7.30 - bedtime story, quiet music (sung by me if I'm on bedtime duty, played on iPod if DH is!)

Our main issue is that dd struggles to fall asleep in her cot, so we usually rock her to sleep then put her in, which isn't ideal. We'll work on that one...

Also, one thing that helps us is that we don't allow dd to nap after 5pm, to the extent that we will wake her up if she drifts off or if her afternoon nap overruns. This helps make sure that she is tired enough to sleep at bedtime. I still feel that we're getting a lot wrong, but feel that largely we're going in the right direction.

Fwiw, DH is far more patient with dd when she won't sleep than I am; I get so frustrated with her as I feel helpless and useless when she's upset and I can't do anything to help.

Cooper11111 · 02/03/2015 21:13

You aren't doing it wrong- although I know it is easy to feel like that. If I can be totally honest, I think that the lack of sleep is ruining this experience for you which is why you worry about not playing with her etc. My advice to you would be strict sleep training. Start Friday evening and do controlled crying, put a play list on your iPod. After each two songs go in and reassure her, once she settles then come out. Sat night 3 songs, Sun 4 songs. Be strong and tell yourself that a happier mummy will lead to a happier baby. By Monday she will prob stop crying before the chorus even begins. I remember thinking my little boy was loudest most stubborn crier ever and that there was no way he would stop. He did and turned into a happier little boy, and I believe more fulfilled because my thoughts were focussed on entertaining and helping him learn etc rather than obsessively googling sleep strategies etc! It's my personal opinion that she probably doesn't need fed in the night and does it out of habit- if you do want to feed her, do it quickly and put her down and follow same procedure as above. T will work and by this time next week I think you would find yourself in a different position entirely. This doesn't have to be forever! If you don't feel comfortable with peoples reactions to what you plan to do- then don't tell them. You've acknowledged that u are desperate- you can need that desperation and finish your maternity leave with a smile xx

atWitsEndNow · 02/03/2015 21:13

OK iggly I will try starting earlier. She sometimes sleeps in the pram but not always. I did buy a sling but I couldn't work out how to do it up properly. Blush

OP posts:
atWitsEndNow · 02/03/2015 21:17

Thank you fluffy Smile.

And thank you cooper. That's a brilliant idea I can follow that. Friday it is. Smile

I need to make more of an effort to sleep at night when she is sleeping. At the moment I keep lying awake worrying about things! I probably wouldn't be as worried if I was sleeping better, I think its a bit of a vicious circle.

OP posts:
WorkingBling · 02/03/2015 21:18

Op, ds was a terrible sleeper. One thing I really learnt was that although r resisted sleep, he did need it. I started accepting that often during the day I couldn't get it right but would put him to bed earlier. So, if he had napped well by day bed by 7, if not, bed by 6:15. He still woke up in the night but the horrible bed times eased off for a while

It's really hard but try a few nights much earlier. You may think she's not tired but you might be surprised.

Good luck. I know how hard this phase is!

Cooper11111 · 02/03/2015 21:20

Try not to be on your phone when she is sleeping, the light plays havoc with your melatonin levels and makes it harder for you to sleep- a counterintuitive comment really as you are prob reading this on your phone now Smile.

Go to sleep and if you struggle, think
of some songs for Friday!! I still have my playlist- it's called "keep going". I remember the exact order even three years on Grin

FluffyTheEvilOne · 02/03/2015 21:22

I'm so tired I seem to be doing everything wrong at the moment. I don't know if I'm cut out for having a baby . I'm so worried about when my maternity leave ends and I go back to work, I constantly worry I don't talk to her enough or play with her enough in the day. I worry she hasn't taken to solid foods as fast as some other babies I know. I think I'm doing it all wrong.
I could have written this. I'm constantly worried that I'm not introducing the right foods, or enough of them; that I don't play enough, or in the right way; that dd should be learning to recognise words but I'm not sure if she is (this last one was prompted by the questionnaire I have to fill in for dd's 12mth hv check up). But she's happy, she makes lots of happy babbling noises, she's gaining weight, etc. Comparing her to other babies will always cause stress, as I can always find something that other babies her age can do that she can't. She had no interest whatsoever in solid food at seven months, for instance!

ThisFenceIsComfy · 02/03/2015 21:27

I sent you a PM OP. Hope you find a way forward. I will get better Smile

EmGee · 02/03/2015 21:33

Bless you! You're no different to many mums with their first child. I felt like I had zero instinct. Honestly, the things I did (or didn't do) - I can look back and laugh now but at the time, it was just awful. Bloody awful!!!

I agree with other PPs that it sounds like your baby is over-tired and over-stimulated. No matter what you hear about Gina Ford, I think she hit the nail on the head that babies should start their bedtime routine as early as possible and in as quiet as possible an environment. It's not magic though and takes time to implement a routine and tweak it here and there until you find the best way for you and your baby. The best thing I found about having a good bedtime routine was that it gave ME some structure - never even mind the baby!! - I felt like I was in control, had a plan and knew what I was doing. That helped enormously - especially for someone like me who really hadn't a clue what I was doing! Also helped DH because he liked the structure too (although he used to moan like anything about how we were tied to the house for naps/early bedtimes). He admits now though that it was the right thing to do.

Maybe keep trying with the earlier bedtime for a week or so to see if things get better - be consistent - it takes time (probably more like two weeks) to give something a chance to work. Keep the room dark, cuddle her if necessary, lots of shushing noises. All really calm and quiet (you'll just have to 'act' cos you will probably feel like screaming). Anyway, the best of luck to you. I do feel for you. I hated this part of parenting. Mine are now 5 and 3 and I can promise you it does get easier.....

mrsmilkymoo · 02/03/2015 21:47

op I feel for you. Dd turns seven months tomorrow and although she usually does sleep well once she's fallen asleep, it takes until about 10.30 to get her to sleep and then she won't nap in her cot in the day, just on me or sometimes in the pram. I would love to get her to sleep earlier and to nap so am following this thread with interest.

atWitsEndNow · 02/03/2015 23:47

Thank you everyone. You really got through a tough day Smile. I feel a lot calmer now and a lot more positive with all these ideas.

She's getting some new teeth in at the moment so has been particularly ratty which hasn't been helping things. Every time I feel I get somewhere with sleeping she seems to start teething or go through a growth spurt... To be expected but can be frustrating especially when you don't have a great sleeper to begin with!

OP posts:
OutsSelf · 03/03/2015 13:14

I personally don't like the idea of sleep training so I didn't bother with mine. I know it worked for many people but it didn't suit us. If your baby doesn't respond, OP, don't worry, it doesn't mean anything except your baby is atypical in her sleep requirements. I took much comfort from the urban legend that the more intelligent the baby the less sleep it needed. It may or may not be true but what is really useful is to note that not all babies need the same amount of sleep.

My view was that I needed to learn what suited them rather than trying to teach them to do what I expected. I read a lot of reassuring material about this but the thing that really made the difference for my quality of life was that I stopped seeing sleeping as a 'problem' that I had to 'solve'. If the baby woke and didn't resettle with a boob, I got them up and soothed them. If they didn't want to be left alone I thought fine, they can come and be with us, they can nap in my sling or on my lap or on daddy's chest or whatever.

To me, the problem wasn't sleeping or not sleeping, it was crying or not crying. When in the early days with DS I was 'trying' to 'put him to sleep' and he was crying and I was wound up, in the end I just couldn't figure out why I thought was worth me lying around in an (artificially) darkened room thinking about what I was missing out on in the living room or letting my dinner go cold or missing reading a novel or talking to DP, just to make my baby cry in frustration as it wasn't what he wanted either. Specially as basically as soon as you think you've got it cracked they have a growth spurt or sprout a tooth or get a temperature and you are back to disturbed sleep and no routine. And it's so short, they're like this for the blink of an eye but then they grow up like the rest of us who just need and like to sleep at night and if something is going wrong in that can take responsibility for working through that themselves. E.g. my four year old can understand why good sleep 'hygiene' is good for him and asks to go to bed if he is tired; people like to have an early night if they didn't sleep well the night before or have to get up early. Let that natural wisdom develop, I say.

Why spend the teeny times trying to 'do' something to your baby that your baby can't or won't fit in with? If the child is crying then clearly you need to help remedy that but if 'putting the child to sleep' isn't working, just stop that and let them be with you, enjoy the cuddly time, know that they'll grow out of it. Mine are still slightly atypical in that they don't sleep as much as what people claim their kids are sleeping but so what? They are champion sleepers in that they'll stay asleep through the other one kicking off or a thunder storm or our neighbours' parties. And they'll ask to go to bed if they are tired and they sleep to a sociable time or will be happy to lie quietly with the rest of us if they have an unexplained wakeful period.

They'll learn about sleeping and night and day, and independence in their own good time, you only have to be there for them, soothing, reassuring, loving, comforting. The time when they are tiny is unpredictable in the short term but over pretty quick. Honestly don't try to fight them into something that doesn't suit them, you'll end up pissed off and they'll be distressed. I know that some babies respond to routines but mine didn't and if yours don't that is not because you have done something to them it's because they are who they are. If your baby doesn't respond to the routine or to bed time like mine didn't, the only thing that you need to do is figure out how to live your life with an unpredictably awake and unpredictably sleeping baby. Don't spend hours every night trying to cure them of who they are. She'll be toddling around this time next year - the year after you'll have to work to remember the baby that she was. You'll barely remember this conversation, or what you were thinking while we had it by then. Relax and roll with it, she may or may not get any more sleep but she'll have a happier mummy. Happy mummies inspire security, right?

DorotheaHomeAlone · 03/03/2015 19:27

You don't sound like you're doing it wrong just like you're incredibly overtired yourself! My daughter is the same age and I was where you are a month ago including the losing my temper bit. I felt dreadful about it but I was just exhausted and couldn't see a way out. It felt like she and I were battling each other not in the same team. My advice is that you need a routine, any routine. Just pick one and follow it blindly. The consistency will help and when you're so tired yourself it's impossible to work it all out or to tap into some mythical instinct. Please don't feel bad. You sound like a loving, exhausted, desperate and totally normal mum.

atWitsEndNow · 04/03/2015 09:50

Thank you everyone.

OutsSelf - the thing that really made the difference for my quality of life was that I stopped seeing sleeping as a 'problem' that I had to 'solve'.

It didn't used to be a problem for me, I sort of made it a problem by taking too much notice of sil and bil... I think I might stop listening to others and go back to enjoying my baby as she is.

OP posts:
ThisFenceIsComfy · 04/03/2015 10:39

Ah I'm really pleased for you. Sounds like you are believing a bit more in yourself and going with what you think is right. Always the best way! Smile

hmmmum · 04/03/2015 15:23

After you do the bed time routine (bath lullaby etc) try putting your dd down in her cot for 5 minutes with no feed. She may cry a bit but it's only for 5 minutes. This will clearly communicate to her that it's bed time.
after those 5 min are up go in and give her a feed. She may settle more quickly because the time in the cot showed her it's time to sleep, no playing about. hopefully she'll feed and then sleep.
It may not work... but worth a try. It worked with our dd when we were trying to settle her to sleep more quickly and we moved her time-of-going-to-sleep from 11pm to 7pm this way.
however we are now having a world of different problems with our ds. Babies are way too complicated...

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