Please - any advice on moving 3yo co-sleeper into own bed?

[lilybubble]

My daughter is 3y 3m, and we have always had a difficult time with her sleeping. She has never seemed to need much sleep, and has never liked being separated from us. Eventually we worked out that co-sleeping gave all 3 of us a good night's sleep, even though it's not the method we would really have most wanted to use.

For the last, I don't even want to think how long, actually - she has been going to bed with me, generally around 10pm. She now goes to sleep by herself, but only as long as I am in bed with her. Once she's asleep I'm too tired to get up again, so dh and I get practically no time to ourselves at all.

I really want, and need to change something here. My husband and I have been in separate beds for almost 2 years now because of this, which would be okay if we did get a little time to ourselves.

Does anyone please have any advice as to how I can try to progress her into her own bed, or also to bed earlier? I have tried many variations of both, but obviously to no avail. I work full time, in a quite stressful job, so haven't really had the strength to try something like rapid return.

Another factor is that we are due to move out of our flat into a house, and I don't know if this is the best time to try and move her, or the worst?

Please can anyone help?! All my friends seem to have had no problems like this, and I don't seem to be able to talk to anyone about it, although they are sympathetic. Really I need some advice though! Would be so grateful if anyone could help.

Thanks so much in advance.....

Hi Lilybubble

Firstly, to reassure you, your daughter is totally normal - this article may explain why (read past the breastfeeding bits and you'll get to the sleeping bits):
www.kathydettwyler.org/detsleepthrough.html

Secondly, I firmly second Kathy Dettwyler's recommendation of reading 'nighttime parenting' by Dr Sears, if you can get hold of it. It's got lots of good ideas of how to cope with toddlers who are behaving naturally, but are not fitting in with what our culture expects.

I think your daughter's really lucky - she's had her security needs met all her life and will probably grow up to be a very independent, secure child and adult thanks to the solid base you've given her during her first years. Is there anyway you can adapt your lifestyle to make life more bearable for you but not cause too much stress? Forcing her into her own bed at the moment may be very stressful for all of you, not just her, and may be more trouble than it's worth. If it makes her feel insecure, she'll simply crave more security from you by trying to sleep with you for longer! Is there no way your DH can share your bed as well as her? What if you shove the bed against the wall so she can sleep next to the wall and you and DH can sleep next to eachother? Could you invest in a bigger bed when you move house? (just wracking my brains to think about what the scores of bedsharing families I know do to make life easier!). Will she not go to bed any earlier so you can come downstairs to be with your DH before you get too tired? It might be a possiblity now that the nights are getting darker sooner - could you 'trick her'? Would it help your feelings towards the situation if you thought about the number of hours you're getting to 'mother' her that you would miss out on if she were sleeping elsewhere, bearing in mind that you're working full time? How about decorating a room for her, with her, and making it all special and exciting, and getting her a new duvet cover set etc. - putting some toys in there and spending time during the day in there with her? She might choose to start some nights in there with a little encouragement and that would be a starting point. I know a few people who've found that works, but they usually end up with their toddlers finding their way back to Mum and Dad's bed half-way through the night! Your issue seems to be finding a way to get some time with your DH, and even getting a chance to share a bed with him again! What about sleeping in his bed with him for the first half of the night, then getting into bed with your daughter when she wakes?

If it's of any interest, or reassurance, our 3.5yr old has her own room, decorated all pink and girly and with her toys in it. We've never actively encouraged her to sleep there, but she often asks to now, but comes in half-way through the night. She still needs one of us cuddling her to go to sleep, but that's fine with us - if she wants DH it's a chance for him to have some close time with her, if she wants me, it's a chance to lie down and recuperate before getting up to spend some time with DH. She goes to bed about 8.30ish. We also have our 21m old in with us, and will have our newborn there too before too long - however we planned for this and have put two mattresses together on a big low bedframe to make an 8ft bed - it's all the furniture we can fit in our bedroom!

Don't know if any of that is any help at all! I hope it is.