I can't be there for her

[Cooper11111]

My daughter is 8 weeks but 2 weeks corrected and I feel like everything is going wrong. I had a terrible time with my first baby and he was sleep trained at five months- I live in fear of it getting as bad with this baby as it did with the last. As a result I feel terrified to hold her while she is falling asleep etc regardless of constant hearing "she is only a baby". I have let her cry while using other soothing methods and subsequently she spends the first part of the evening in her cot after a bit of a grizzle. But last night she was awake for hours and this is representative of many nights and I just can't stop obsessing about it enough to just genuinely comfort her. I'm so scared of her always expecting it etc. I feel terrible even saying it but I am so consumed with fear about sleep associations I just don't feel I can be there for her. I am obvious not selfless and that is a shameful admission. Help me

Cooper, I can completely understand how you are feeling. In fact I would say it is very, very common for mums to make a number of 'mistakes' with their firstborn and sleep associations and then become obsessive about not repeating those mistakes with their second born.

From my experience talking to friends who went through this when I had my second, it is common also to go the other way.

The great thing is that your second born is much less likely to have sleep associations linked to you. But the other side is the need to keep yourself in check that you are offering enough comfort.

It is perfectly fine for a newborn baby to spend her time asleep in a cot rather than being held. But if she gets upset, she may need a feed or a cuddle.

I generally find in those early weeks that it is all about feeding and sleeping and not much else. So if baby is not feeding then she should be sleeping or trying to get to sleep.

So could the grizzling be hunger related?

If not, comfort sucking is a great way to encourage autonomous self settling and offers great comfort to sooth baby to sleep. Give it a try.

You are doing great

Cooper - how was your DS after sleep training at 5 months and how does he sleep now? As you didn't mention it, I assume he sleeps okay, and I would use this as a guide to reassure yourself that even if you do things 'wrong' you can change them at a later date.

If she was awake for hours when normally she sleeps, then you can assume that there was something up and she does need you.

She is so young still - I would try not to tie yourself into knots about this as babies go through many developments and changes when they are tiny.

Just how you say you are consumed and obsessed about this made me think about PND - have you considered this?

Thank you both for your replies, I can see that what you are saying is totally rational. I just wish I could think like that all the time.

My son is an amazing sleeper- sleeps 13 hours at night and 2 in the day and he is 3 years old! The sleep training saved us entirely, I know it receives mixed reviews on this site but my little boy was very unhappy until we did and he was like a changes boy once he slept well. I sometimes think those quick to judge are those that haven't been that desperate or are lucky enough to be able to cope better than others.

I adore my daughter and really want to give her what she needs but I feel I am holding back because of this obsession and fear I have. I am seeing a counsellor at the end if the month and am hoping it will help me view the whole thing more objectively.

I also fear it is a vicious circle- she has slept so well today because she was up all last night. I have already been sick once this evening in anticipation of another night!

cooper I really feel for you and it's obvious that you're trying to do the right thing.

All I can say though is that your dd is tiny and needs cuddles. I totally get that you don't want to repeat mistakes but although it's a cliche, all babies are different and it's such a shame to miss out on those important cuddles because you're scared of something that realistically just might not happen.

Can you meet midway and give plenty of cuddles during the day but perhaps be more routine led at night. This is how I approached things with my ds - loads of cuddles in the day and in fact he napped on me until he was 10 months. But night was always more strict, he slept in his own room fairly early on and was put straight down after winding (obviously if he was ill then all rules out the window). He's a good sleeper but I also know that we had plenty of hugs and kisses too.

Glad you're seeing a counsellor though, hope things get better. Your dd won't be this small forever so make the most of those cuddles while you can.

Cooper, I think seeing a councillor at the end of the month is a long time for you to wait.

Your post reads like you have PND. Have you spoke to your GP about this?

Hi FATE, thanks for your concern. I'm a psychologist myself and know I don't have PND. I just need someone to objectively retrain my thoughts into believing that what has happened in the past may not happen again. I suppose I'm living my life like walking around with an umbrella waiting for it to rain when it might never rain. Seen GP Monday, she agrees not PND. Just faulty cognitions that I need some help to change. Had a good night last night so I'm trying my best to remain positive and I've barred myself from googling stuff!!

Cooper - your daughter is not your son. They are different individuals they won't necessarily have the same responses or requirements.

I know sleep deprivation is tough. Do you think you have realistic expectations of her sleep? The ISIS sleep study has some interesting days about "normal", rather than everyone talking about babies sleeping through from day one.

I think expectations are fairly realistic, I by no means expect her to sleep through. I just wish I could relax more about the process of getting her to sleep.