I can`t sleep!

[triplets]

I went to bed at 9 tonight shattered as usual, gave up at midnight and here I am! Tuned in to Mumsnet for some company and for the first time I have looked at the sleep section. It all seems to be about sleep problems for children! What about me, us, you out there? I am 52 yrs old with 6 yr old triplets, I am permanently exhausted yet most nights find it hard to get to sleep, then when I do I wake up two or three times during the night, and its not usually the children who wake me. The truth is my mind hardly ever switches off, and I find bedtime the hardest time when I miss Matthew my son who died, I am so fed up with grief, so hate him not being here, so miss him, miss him so very very much. Everything triggers it off again, especially seeing things like the pain on Gloria Hunnifords face at her daughters funeral, thats such a very hard day to get through, so awful. I am sorry everyone, I am rambling, need a good friend here tonight to talk to, but thank God for all you Mumsnetters, at least I know that you are all out there and that you care........night night.

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Good morning everyone,
Thank you for the messages, I am going to try the earphones, never thought of that. It is finding something to stop you thinking, I don`t know why everything just seems to go round and round my head in the night, its like a video replaying itself. So sorry to hear about your Mum, that must also be so paimful to live with. Yes I know about The Compassionate Friends, I found out about them a year after Matthew died and so wish I had been told of them in the beginning, We no longer have a local group, but I still have the newsletter and I have four very special friends I have met through TCF. I also help the Sudden Death Support Group, I all too often get a call from them asking if I will call another bereaved Mum, sometimes the child has only just died, sometimes the child has died many years ago but suddenly they need someone to listen to them. It can be very distressing, but on the whole I find it helps them and me, selfishly because it gives me the chance to talk about my loss, and again through that I have made two very special friends. I just have to find something positive in all of this, there just has to be a reason why my darling beautiful child had 14 years, why I was given Rebecca, Thomas and James at the age of 46. I should by now have stopped asking "why"? But some how I think I never will. The children have gone back to school this morning and I have decided I have got to get more exercise, so as its a beautiful day here I am off for a walk, perhaps more fresh air will help me to sleep! I have just remembered a little poem I wrote after Matthew died, in fact I have alot of them.
Round and round and round my head
endless thought of you
Round and round and round my head
things we used to do
Round and round and round my head
forever asking why?
Round and round and round my head
then I start to cry.

triplets, it must be especially hard for you as Matthew died so suddenly and you don't know why. All deaths are painful of course and especially those of a child. But to have so many unanswered questions must drive your mind crazy. I guess you've gone through this with the people in the Sudden Death group you mentioned. I wonder if we ever get over shocks like this, perhaps we have to learn to live with them as best we can and know we'll always feel shock. My father died very suddenly, suicide, when I was 19, with no prior warning that we picked up on. I still feel like my life's changed forever by it, I'm always worried when I say goodbye to someone that I won't see them again. And it's made me very distrustful that I know what people are really thinking. This is a totally different kind of loss to yours but it's a traumatic kind of loss and in that respect similar.

I really do feel for you.

...sorry triplets..I live in the North West...nowhere near Kent.
I have a very close friend who's husband died ,2 yrs ago, just like Matthew. It is absolutly devastating...Not only dealing with the loss of a loved one, but not having any answers why. My dh who is a casualty nurse actually worked on our friend when he was admitted.
After his death there were many questions but even after the post mortem none of them were answered. My dh said the heart just sometimes goes into a huge spasm which does not show up and the life of someone this happens to is likened to a flame being gentle blown out...one minute there, the next gone....no explanation...just gone..
Like Matthew there were no warning signs....and this was a very fit healthy man who was a black belt in karate...just no explantion.
I do hope with this good weather you are able to get out and exercise with that sun on your face...and hopfully have a more restful sleep...thinking of you often, as everyone else is on this thread...israel

Thank you both,
Even this afternoon at school one of the mums who has known me now for over 3 years has only just realized that we lost a child. She has an only child, Tom in my trios class, and was so upset talking to me about it. She said I dont know how you can still be here, I would have wanted to be with him. Oh there have been so many times when I have felt like that, but I owe it to Harry, these three and all my family and to Matthew to get on with my life, he would hate to see the way I have been sometimes. I am just so very thankful that he had 14 wonderful happy years, thats the way it was, some some dont get that do they?