14 month old - I'm at breaking point

[Helgathehairy]

DD has never slept well. I breastfeed and we co- sleep.

Her 'routine' to get her to sleep involves walking back and forward carrying her across the bedroom floor until she falls asleep then into cot. The walking part usually takes 30 minutes. But she's getting bigger and heavier and I can't keep doing this 3 times a day. My back hurts constantly.

If I put her down awake (even drowsy) she jumps straight up to play. This morning I put her down at 950 but she woke as I left the room. She's in there now babbling to herself but is just starting to cry.

I don't know what to do. Last week I actually shouted at her to go to sleep (which obviously didn't work)

She wakes constantly at night as well. I'm so tired.

I am sorry OP. I haven't got any good advice myself but I have watched super nanny for years and she seems good at 'nighttime' routine stuff? Could you get one of her books?

We have a 18 MO boy. Our routine is probably not the best. But we give him a warm bath. Get him dressed in cozy baby grow thing. I put him in his cot with a bottle of warm milk with bit of honey, lights off and we are off. Sometimes he stands in the cot and shouts - we leave him for a while, i go in ever so often to top up milk or lay him back down. I never speak to him, soothe him or give him eye contact when I go back in. Got that off SN. After it goes quiet I go in and retrieve the bottle.

Is she waking to feed? Have you considered night weaning of that's the case?

Possibly cutting down to one nap might help as well.

At 14 months she may not need a morning nap anymore? That could well be disturbing her other nap and her night time sleep.

It's often an unpopular suggestion on here but at that age I would try controlled crying, and stopping any night feeds. It's obvious that she needs help to get to sleep (the walking up and down holding her) and you need to try and stop this. Either controlled crying or the more gentle gradual retreat. But she needs to be able to self settle otherwise you'll be doing this for the foreseeable future which I guess you're not that keen on.

Thank you so much. A few answers.

I tried the one nap a day but she was getting very overtired. She was tired this morning - rubbing eyes and her head and yawning lots. She's still not asleep, I'm going to take her out in the car - that usually works.

She's never taken a bottle.

She does feed at night when she wakes but I don't think she's waking to feed. She just seems uncomfortable.

I am seriously considering controlled crying but she gets so worked up I honestly can't see her lying herself down and going to sleep.

Someone once said to me on Twitter that sleep begets sleep or something of that kind. I was always trying to keep him awake in the day - then I stopped. He had a LOOONNNGG nap in the day and sleeps better at night. Strange but true. Good luck OP

You could try the jay Gordon gentle night weaning, it changed our lives! It's especially designed for co-sleeping babies, it does involve some crying but you never leave the baby to cry you stay and comfort them, it worked really well for us, we had 2 horrible nights where my child cried for an hour each night but after than he's been sleeping through and we still breastfeed in the day.

stripy I've actually read that article before but had forgotten about it. Thanks for linking, that's definately something to try.

This IMO is a learned pattern. If you want it to stop then you must alter your response towards her behaviour. If I was you I would bite the bullet and do controlled crying. The first few nights will be the hardest but after that you will wish you had done it sooner!

There are a few different variations of CC so you do have a few choices. Good luck but remember if nothing changes, nothing changes!

Have you considered moving her into her own room? Some children need that personal space, and more physical space, IYKWIM.

Other than that, have you tried your local La Leche League meeting? They often have a lot of experienced mothers in attendance who can be a fount of knowledge/advice re breasted babies and sleep/weaning/behaviour problems.

We read a book whilst our baby was in his worst sleep period - The No-Cry Sleep Solution - that you might find helpful.

If you have to do controlled crying, please don't feel guilty. It works for a lot of people and it's not up to anyone else to judge you when you're in such a desperate state. It will get better though, I promise!

What about gradual retreat? Or I read a version of cc where you leave but say you'll be back to give them a kiss, go back in after a couple of seconds, give child a kiss. Say you'll be back to give them a kiss, leave a bit longer, go back in, kiss etc etc stretching the time out very gradually. I have no idea if it works or not but I thought it sounded like a nice idea.

My dd is 14 months and is a thumb sucker so that's how she gets to sleep (not helpful).

But she wasn't keen on bottles once I stopped bf. we now use sippy cups for her milk and she drinks more.

Our routine is (sometimes bath), bed clothes/new nappy, milk, brush teeth, into growbag and cuddle and story.

Once we've finished the story she's quite sleepy and we put her down.

She doesn't always sleep through though.

She only has one nap now - usually 1 1/2 - 2 hrs.

I've actually got the no cry sleep solution on my kindle. Just haven't had the energy to read it!

Had a talk with DH this evening and it turns out he's been doing gradual retreat with DD! She wouldn't stay in his arms, she'd fight to get down so he'd put her in the cot and lie in the bed and not look or interact with her. Then leave once she fell asleep. Although if I did that I'd probably fall asleep!

I am thinking of moving her into her own room. I'm not sure whether to do everything in one go or gradual changes.

quin what time does your DD nap at? And how does that fall with the time they wake/sleep at?

I'm feeling more hopeful after all these replies, thank you all.

Oh your post struck a cord! We used to walk dd to sleep until 17 ish months!!! Oh god my back. I was pg with dc2 at the time. Oh the pain!! Used to take 30-45mins of constant walking and rocking! And she didnt even sleep thru. Had to repeat and boob 3/4 times a night. Utter hell!!
At 15m I weaned totally, this helped a lot but still was a nightmare to get to sleep. Swapped sleeping bag for special peppa pig duvet at 16 months, this helped a bit more. Then at 18m dd went to her own bed (not cot, cot bed etc) and wow!!! She fell asleep on her own!! And has ever since!!

I believe parenting is all about achieving a balance between giving your children what they want and what is best for your entire family. In this case, your daughter wants you to put her to bed in this way every day three times. It's no longer the best for the family. I suspect that however you deal with it there will be tears and vociferous protests from your daughter, after all you are massively changing her routine. Each family comes to this point at a different stage in their child's life but at some point one's priorities change from "whatever doesn't make you cry" to "whatever is best for you". You are the parent and ultimately sometimes we have to disappoint and upset our children. Just wait til your daughter has a tantrum because you went let her play in the traffic/pick up that hypodermic syringe etc etc. At some point we all harden our hearts a little when we need to re-prioritise a better.

If you are ready to hear your daughter cry a bit, go ahead with some sleep training! If not, hold off for a white. This isn't necessarily something children learn without training. K

Own room.

Night weaning.

Sleep begets sleep.

These are my tips, these are my truth. Good luck - i genuinely empathise and remember the feeling. Dont bother with books imho when you are so tired. Just do. In your heart of hearts i think you know what to tackle first. And persist. For me it took 3 mins. Just 3 mins in exchange for that soul destroying crazy blood sucking tiredness. Madness.

Well my ds2 is 13mo and was waking 1/2/3 times a night last week.

Then I broke my arm and couldn't feed him anymore.

Dh had to go in and shush him when he woke. For 2 nights he screamed for hours at a time. And me in my stupid broken armed state could do nothing.

But for the last 4 nights he has slept through.

Ds1 didn't sleep through until he was over 2, and I'm now wondering why we didn't do this with him.....

I'm just echoing the above... own room and night weaning indeed. Feeding at night will just continue the pattern of waking. I also( hate doing it but) have done the whole controlled crying thing and it worked a treat with DC2.

Ok - so tonight I'm going to start the jay Gordon night weaning strategy.

Tomorrow DH and I will talk properly about what strategy we're going to adopt (he's off work the next few days which makes things a bit easier)

Over the weekend I'll clear out the spare room/DDs room with the view of getting her in there. This is the but I'm dithering over - I like her in bed with me sometimes - like in the morning when she's all cuddly - not so much when she's taking up most of the bed.

Best of luck with changing things! I just wanted to say that we do still co-sleep, we found that just night weaning was enough for our dc to encourage good sleep, it might be the same for you :)

Well last night went well!

She had a huge cry the first time I took her off the boob before she was asleep but settled quickly enough and I did wake to find her latched on at one point but apart from that it went well. I think. I said to DH this morning that it has gone well and he said she was still pretty whiney - I honestly don't think I heard her!

Not sure what to do about naps today. Going to try for a morning one because we're going to be out a bit today.

Hi,
Glad to hear it is going well! Hope it continues... sorry for the hijack but I was just wondering if anyone could help give me some tips on night weaning?! I have a strong willed 15 month old who still feeds once a night but looks like this is creeping up to two as we've just moved and come back from holiday.

I long for her to sleep through but I'm not great at long spells of crying. Is this the only way to night wean? My DH works away a few nights a week so not sure I can do this alone. I should say we do not co sleep, she sleeps in her own cot in her own room.

Thank you!

So we discussed it and decided to try controlled crying for at least 4 nights. As expected DD was very unimpressed. We took it in turns going in to her. DH went in the 4th time and didn't come out again. He said she'd been hugging him when he went in. He'd settled her and she'd been lying down, he went to leave and she jumped up and was doing that quivering shaking breathing. So he went and lay on the bed.

We're now looking into gradual retreat!

ilove I weaned my dd fully at 15m. She was a boob monster and fed loads esp at night. Dh couldn't settle Her etc. I had never had a night out since birth, never left her at all in the evening. Not even for couple hours.
Then I fell pg with ds, severe hypermesis and admitted to hospital for 8 days as very poorly.
Was worried sick about dd and dh but I was just too ill. First night without me, when dd woke, dh had an hour or so of face stroking and some crying etc. she then slept thru till 5am ish then got into bed with dh and slept till 7!!!! First time ever!!!
After that night she rarely woke again. When I saw her I just kept well covered in hospital bed. When I got home she did wake to feed but dh settled her. Dh had to put her to bed for next few weeks as she would try feed if I did. She slept thru ever since.
If I were you I would honestly go away for a couple nights on your own somewhere (nice!) we tried several times to do this with me in the house but dh going to her but it never worked. Hth xx