PLEASE HELP- MY 12 week old baby refuses to sleep without me.

[samdd1982]

Hello everyone,

I know there is lots of advice in these forums, I´ve read it mostly but find it all so confusing. I am a first time mum to a lovely 12 week old little girl who is a dream baby mostly, she does´t cry so much, she is very happy and smiles all the time. During pregnancy I read this book The Sensational Baby Sleep guide. I swore i would follow it to get her sleeping through the night at 8 or 12 weeks (can't remember exactly what it promises). I also swore I would never bed share or rock her to sleep. Basically I broke all my promises on the first night when I rocked her to sleep and brought her into bed. Now and then I´ve tried to get her back into her moses basket and recently a cot, but I keep bringing her back into bed with me as we both sleep better and there is less crying.

I should add that hubby is in spare room, we share a king size bed and I am exclusively breastfeeding. Although she doesn't cry out at night she fusses a lot and with bed sharing I can comfort her a lot quicker and therefore we all sleep better.

That´s not what we planned but it works for now and we said by 4 months we will move her into her own room with a cot and start some non CIO sleep training. Whether I have the strength to do that I am not sure, I am too soft, also with BF it is easier to have her in bed with me.

That is not our problem though, the biggest issue we have is getting her down at night. During the day she naps fine but only with assistance (spotting tired signs, bringing into a sleepy state and then laying down with stroking, always swaddled and white noise). However, night time is a nightmare! I start a bath time routine at around 6.30pm-7pm, we only whisper to her after this point, we keep the lighting low etc. Then I bring her down for a final feed where she feeds a lot compared to during the day. Then we cross our fingers and hope for the best when trying to lay her down at night (we gave up on cot so in my bed). This is when all hell brakes loose. It´s like she realizes she is alone and expects me to be there. It seems also the only person who can comfort her is me, not her Dad.

We then spend from about 8pm to 10pm just trying to settle her by which time she is overtired and her arms a flying around. We don´t know where we are going wrong as during the day she will nap on her own.

We´ve not had an evening meal together since she was born and I really miss adult time and my husband.

I am pretty sure I have made a rod for my own back so to speak as I carry her a lot, have fed on demand (but now every 3 hours), and brought her into bed with me. The book I bought went out the window as i cannot let my baby cry, and just want her to be happy.

About now though I am feeling I am at my wits ends.

Can anyone offer any advice please?

Many thanks

Sam

You haven't made a rod for your own back, not at all. How long have you been trying this routine for, and did it ever work? Babies can go through a fussy stage at 11/12 weeks so it could be that. You're bringing her down to feed which is a big feed then taking her up? Do you think she might still be cluster feeding?
My wee girl is 3 months old today so I know where you're at and she's starting to struggle with over tiredness too. I take her up in her sleeping bag when she's dropped off, normally between 8.30-9, and feed her off to sleep if she stirs. I also put white noise on now before I go back down. If she doesn't settle I just bring her down again and let her settle on my lap. We bf and co-sleep too.
When is her previous nap? Is she sleeping enough through the day?

It does pass, too - I think at this stage they're starting to recognise their separatness from you and sometimes it makes them cling tighter. It does pass, my son was a limpet of Olympic proportions and he sleeps very happily now! It's when they're ready. If she's struggling relax the routine and yourself, give it a couple of days and try again. It does get easier! also reminding self that DD can sleep more than 2 hours at night

Hi Violet,

Thanks for your reply. In answer to your questions, I´ve been trying this for a couple of weeks now to no avail. I am cluster feeding in the evening around 7pm, she seems to want this only at this time of day. I am bringing her down after her bath, waiting till she is sleepy and then taking her up. It doesn't work though and like you i have to bring her back down and end up waiting until I go to bed thus having no time for us.

The best thing I ever learnt from all my reading the internet, sleep books etc is that at this age little ones can only comfortably be awake for around 1.5 hours at a time, and to watch for tired signs and put her to sleep. Prior to this I was overstimulating her and she was exhausted. Today for example, she woke at 8am, was back asleep for 9.15am and slept for an hour. Then was up again from 10.15am to 11.45am when she napped again for 2 hours (woke after first 45 minutes but I went in and lulled her back to sleep). She has been napping again since 4pm, (I am an hour ahead as live abroad). I have tried an earlier bed time but it does´t seem to work as like you she seems to want to drop off for the night at between 8.30pm and 9.30pm.

I think when she was smaller it worked sometimes but I didn't follow any routine then and went with the flow. In the last couple of weeks I´ve tried to start implementing a routine which doesn't work. I think you are right about recognizing her separateness.

Am I just supposed to keep doing this and hope one day it will work or do i need to do some sleep training? We´re really not up for CIO and she´s too young for that anyway.

What´s your plan to get your little one sleeping without you?

Sam

You haven't made a rod for your own back it will get easier! I also said i wouldn't co-sleep and also read a book which made it all seem so simple! In reality though every baby is different and haven't read the book! My ds is 5mo and still doesnt sleep through the night, thats just lift! Everyone kept saying he should be and i agreed but now i've relaxed things he sleeps much better after going down at 9 instead of 7...im hoping to make this earlier with time! My ds also hated being on his back and took us quite a while to realise this was why he didnt sleep well so now lie him on his side (with a rolled up towel behind him for support before he could move!) As violet said 12 weeks is a very fussy time, learning new things and growth spurt! Google the wonder weeks and it tells you what happens at certain stages it really helped me to understand! But for now i would just go with the flow and enjoy her! Don't forget she was in your womb for 9 months so will still want to be bear you at 12 weeks!

I'm in the exact same position with my 12wo. The difference is that he is DC3 so I know that I've not made a rod for my own back He will sleep in his own bed as the others do and he will start going to sleep around 7 when he's ready as the others do. In the meantime I just do what makes us both happy.

So at the moment I keep him with me downstairs. He drops off 9ish but I don't take him up then as he always gets disturbed. So I let him sleep then just take him up when I go to bed, and feed him then as he's always disturbed and wakes up.

Is what you're doing actually a problem for you, or are you just worried about the future/rod for your own back? If it's the latter I'd say don't worry and just carry on as you are. If the former, decide which bit you want to address first work on that. So if you want get her to sleep after the bath, just lie down and feed her in bed rather than bringing her down and having to move her again.

It sounds like you've been doing a great job of responding to her needs rather than making her do something she's not ready for so you'll definitely figure the best way to move forward too :)

Also remember that while books can be useful, the author doesn't know your child like you. In fact the author doesn't even know you have a child :)

Ok, I shall try and cover all my questions, beat me with a wet fish if I miss any as I'm feeling sleep deprived today
Firstly, if it's never worked ditch the bedtime. Yes having her downstairs is a pain but it's better than you being upstairs for two hours! Try a later bedtime, even 15 minutes before you go to bed and increase it slowly to a bedtime that suits you.
DD sleeps fine 60% of the time upstairs and that's good enough for me right now, it's all a process and I don't want to start battles over bed. If she's not ready then fair enough, she might be next week. That's how I do it anyway. White noise and a dim light help me and I find DD often prefers the lack of light and tv so often seems happy to go up! Maybe try a white noise app, I've just ordered Ewan the sheep.
At 12 weeks you do have a physical growth spurt, neurological growth spurts and some babies start to teeth too, so her fussing could be any of those. It does change quickly so don't worry. Children want to be independent of you, they just need the bravery to venture off! I like to think of myself as the tree today, gnarly and rough suits lol and DD goes from clinging to the trunk to the branches, back to the trunk, and further and further out as she gets more confident. DS is 12 and sometimes he comes back for a small cling!

The naps sound perfect. That looks like a routine right there! You're doing brilliantly, you're growing a human! Don't worry too much it does work out in the end. It really does!
Get the Wonder Weeks too if you can, it's saved me a few times so far, I wish I had it last time!

I don't mean to dismiss your concerns btw - with my
1st it was really important to DH and I to have time alone in the evening so I would spend ages upstairs getting him to sleep to enable that. With DC2 and DC3 we decided we preferred me being downstairs feeding them and chatting together so we did that (and it's more harmonious actually than me being fraught about him not going down quickly like I was with DC1!) Now we'll really miss the dozy baby snuggles we enjoy every evening because we know they won't last!

That's why I said, decide what your problem, if any, is - ignore books and other people and just think through what you really want - and then slowly work on that bit rather than the whole lot at once.

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for your replies. I guess the problem really is that I feel my husband isn´t happy as he has no time with me. He does´t share a room with me anymore as I bed share with the baby and he finds it impossible to sleep with her fussing and grunting. Then in the evenings I have to hold her until I take her to bed with me.

Also for the second week in the row also I had to leave my post pregnancy yoga course due to hubby calling as baby was screaming blue murder. As soon as I got home and held her she stopped, she is just so mummy dependent and her poor Dad is a bit gutted not to be able to soothe her, me too as I can´t do this course. Will this pass too or do I need to make efforts to change this behavior?

My other concern was that I felt that my baby wasn´t doing what other babies are at this age- going down at 7pm for 12 hours and self soothing (my friends baby of the same age does this). It´s really good to know that what I am experiencing is normal. I told hubby last night that this was a stage that will pass and we should´t wish it to be over but enjoy it, she´s only this little once after all. He agreed and I feel a bit more positive about the whole thing.

I have the wonder weeks, she passed that leap already so I think this is unrelated. Also use white noise every time she goes down for any sleep as well as swaddling.

I guess I have just got to relax and stop having too many expectations.

I love the tree analogy by the way!

Thanks ladies.

Glad you're feeling more positive :)

It took my DH a while to work out how to calm DC3 and he's already had 2 babies. Changing his nappy and chatting always works, and this magic baby hold is utterly genius. I now do it too. Worth trying :)

Good luck. A 12 hour self-soother is totally not the norm at this age, and probably not desirable if you're breastfeeding either. I reckon people lie rather than share the terrible truth that they're getting no sleep too

I gad the same problem with people sharing that thier lo sleeps 12 hpurs and mil expecting it too so was trying so hard to make it happen and becoming frustrated when it didint...then i just thought he's our dc and we can do as we please and stopped making 'excuses' as to why he didn't and just went with the flow..and even now his sleep is much improved at 5mo he'll sleep about 8 hours now but if people ask i just say no hes far too young he will when hes ready! My dp also struggled to settled but has got much better with time and it was due to ds wanting only me but this has also improved with time. You will have evenings back with dh we really found it hard! Just remember that ur lo won't want cuddles forever so just enjoy them now whilst you can!