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Sleep

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Original poster

I'm starting to hate my baby

24 replies

yellowfish · 25/09/2006 11:14

I am so fed up with the baby that never sleeps. I'm getting angrier & angrier with her and have to leave her in a safe place nearly every day now. She won't nap unless I feed her to sleep, which makes me feel like a failure. She never sleeps longer than 45 minutes. Usually 20. She's up 5 times every night and I have to b/feed her to sleep again. I'm starting to hate her, even though she's beautiful and smiles and gurgles at me. I have a long list in my back pocket about how lovely she is, and why I should be happy, but I'm hating being a mum right now.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Munz · 25/09/2006 11:15

(((hugs))) how old is your DD?

and I think we all feel like this at some point, you're not a failure.

welshmum · 25/09/2006 11:17

Oh yellowfish you poor love, it is bloody awful at the beginning - the sleep deprivation turns you into the sort of mum you never aspired to be and there seems to be no way out as you're locked into this cycle with the new baby.
Have you got someone you can talk to? Be really honest with? (pretending everything's fine isn't much use and takes up valuable energy)
How old is your little one?

sorrell · 25/09/2006 11:19

Do you take her out at lot? Long walks were my salvation. Please try to get a grip on your anger. Is there anyone who can help you by taking her out for a while so you can sleep? Tiredness is a killer.

Original poster

yellowfish · 25/09/2006 11:19

She's 5 months old! When newborn she was fantastic - slept when I put her down after a yawn; no accidental parenting; slept 7 hours a night. Now I'm lucky if she sleeps 2 hours! Should know better as I already have a 3 year old who didn't sleep for 2 years, but I just wanted to do better with this one.

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welshmum · 25/09/2006 11:23

Yellowfish you could consult a sleep expert. We spoke to ours at 5 months and she guided us very gently towards getting a full night's sleep. She was really kind and supportive and got me through those tricky months when you've really got no energy left at all. Talking to her was as much help as anything.
I did it with my second (not with dd) as I wanted to crack the sleeping as soon as possible - I knew it would drive me to depression if I didn't

giddy1 · 25/09/2006 11:24

Message deleted

giddy1 · 25/09/2006 11:26

Message deleted

Munz · 25/09/2006 11:27

firstly ((((hugs))) again, joey went thru a v similiar phase to this at 5-6 months, i'd also agree with if someone can take DD for a while for you so you can have some sleep it may help, is she teething at all? I think this was the particular prob with our LO.

do you have much support by day/ a local P&T group you can go to - I know you're really tired but I find sometimes just getting out for half an hour no matter how tired we both are helps us both - me for some sanity and the boy for some entertainment so he goes off to sleep for longer spells.

welshmum · 25/09/2006 11:31

Hi there yourself giddy! Hope things are good.

This makes me think of something. Yellowfish it might be a good idea to join the postnatal thread that applies to your baby's age as there'll be loads of mums there going through the same stages.

Original poster

yellowfish · 25/09/2006 11:32

I probably don't go out enough but feel that I'm failing if she only sleeps in her buggy or the car. Not sure how to find a sleep consultant, but may ask health visitor. Husband and mum help but always tell me not to worry, she'll grow out of it. They're right but I want more than just a brush off! Feels good to hear responses. Not done this messaging before!

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Munz · 25/09/2006 11:41

well MN certainly helps, cos there's loads of parents who are/have been thru exactly what you are, you won't be the first, and certainly not the last - as my mum told me when Joey was NB - there will be times u will dislike your child (will always love them but sometimes dislike them), there will be times u wanna shout/scream and be so knackered u can't think straight but it's what u do that counts - your doing the right thing by walking away calming down and going back, i'm sure we'll all agree by getting angry with a baby does nothing bar make them more upset. even if it's go outside in the garden and shout/chuck a few pots and pans in the garden (obviosuly when the LO's are not around) then go back in calm.

and I personally think from a mums point of view that we seem to take things a lot more personally/to heart (you might all disagree here) but to an extent DH's as much as they love their children, men are designed to 'problem fix/solve' when you don't always want it fixed/solved.

deffo join a postnatal thread, and if you can a P&T group/at least walk around the block to get you out a bit - apparently excercise can help without mental wellbeing - don't understand why but apparently it does.

and tonight, when DH comes in after tea if u can once the LO's are in bed/DD has been fed - u sit and have a nice long soak in the bath and relax and let him get up etc and look after DD

(also it helps to get things out int he open and keep tlaking sleep deprivation is no fun for anyone.)

momomama · 25/09/2006 11:45

Hiya, all I can say is no sleep is evil! I've just posted elsewhere about the no-cry sleep solution, I found this a salvation. I was giving myself a hard time for bf to sleep and co-sleeping but I've been so exhausted i was just doing whatever was practical to get the most sleep.
Incidently, I always let my dd sleep in her buggie and the car, otherwise she may not sleep at all and I know I need to maximise any opportunities for a break.
You have done really well to get this far and I honestly recommend the Pantley book, even the hope of 5 hours of sleep in the one go in two months time cheered me up.... thats desperation for you!

Original poster

yellowfish · 25/09/2006 11:49

I think I may have read too many books; the famous unmentionable one doesn't work for me; I've tried pick up/put down of the baby whisperer but she gets too cross with me (although it was fantastic in the early days); I've tried controlled crying but can't bear it; and I've read Pantley's book with baby number 1, but not sure which bit to concentrate on. Too much advice has confused me and her maybe?!

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welshmum · 25/09/2006 11:50

Yellowfish - that's not a failure. Hope not as mine only ever slept in their buggies during the day I remember reading that a walk in the afternoon helps them to sleep at night - something about setting their body clocks.
Whereabouts are you? Our sleep consultant was London based but did do phone consults too.
How much practical help can your mum give? If she signed up to always give you two hours off every week/every other day - whatever's possible. Sometimes it helps to think 'I've just got to get through tomorrow and then I'll get some help/time off' etc

Munz · 25/09/2006 11:54

I agree with WM - that's how I think on a bad week - one more day till DH is home and I can have a break - then no matter what it is go out of the house/have a nap and quite time for you. just a few hours really makes all the difference.

jabberwocky · 25/09/2006 11:56

yellowfish, ds was just like this and I felt the same. Sleep deprivation is a horrible thing. I now know why it is considered a form of torture/coercion. There is also the possibility of PND perhaps brought on a bit by the sleep deprivation. I say this, because when ds was 6 months old I actually said, more serious than not, to dh that maybe we should put him up for adoption I can't believe now that I would even think such a thing, but I was in such a state that I was not myself at all and just wanted him to go away. I'm happy to say it did get better eventually as far as the sleeping but it took a while. In the interim the AD's were a huge help.

tribpot · 25/09/2006 12:01

yellowfish ... forget the books. Seriously. Forget them all. Do whatever you need to get through the day.

Welshie's sleep consultant is excellent, and does phone consults, as she mentioned.

Definitely join your post-natal thread as well, trust me, you are not alone!

merrily · 25/09/2006 12:05

Hi Yellowfish - please please please don't feel a failure!! Certain parenting books make mothers feel like they have failed if their child needs a cuddle or a feed to get to sleep, and this is quite simply rubbish.

I had a similar experience to you with my DD - she was a very good sleeper to start with, but at about 4 months old she started waking again several times during the night, needed lots and lots of feeds, would only sleep for 45 minutes stretches during the day. I reckon it was down to a combination of teething plus a massive growth spurt. This went on until she was around 7 months old - just as I was at the end of my tether, she started to settle down again and we gradually got back on track.

So what I'm saying is, hang on in there, she's only 5 months old, you are NOT a failure!! Enlist help from family and friends so that you can get some much-needed sleep. Keep reading MN, there is lots of good advice and support to be found here. There is light at the end of the tunnel!

Tatties · 25/09/2006 12:26

Yellowfish, I can really identify with what you've said. You are really not a failure! Nothing wrong with napping in the pram or car, or bf to sleep. Some babies need more help to sleep than others, I've got one one of them (he is 18mths now, still bf to sleep, still doesn't 'sleep through' btw). Things got much easier for me when I realised that this was just the way ds was, and I stopped fighting against it in some misguided effort to 'conform'.

The first step is to throw away the books, except anything by Deborah Jackson. I read "When your baby cries" in the early days; it made me feel so much better about feeding to sleep, carrying ds around all day, etc..
Honestly, just forget all the nonsense about creating bad habits, let your dd go to sleep in the loveliest way possible, and consider co-sleeping to give you a better rest at night. It will get better

Original poster

yellowfish · 25/09/2006 13:46

Thank you all. Have fed her to sleep, put my feet up, spoken to my husband who is sending me and my 3yo off for the weekend, ordered Jackson books from the library and am determined just to relax about it all and put things into perspective. Until next time! Good to know that I'm not on my own. x

OP posts:

sweetkitty · 25/09/2006 15:34

hi yellowfish I feel the exact same way you do, my DD2 is 8 months old and is the same, never sleeps, up during the night and only a BF will do. You will find loads of my threads on here about her not sleeping. I have an active 2 year old to deal with as well, she is a great sleeper si this is all new to me. Right now I'm wondering what line to go for first, bottle last thing at night? water instead of BF? unlatching her?

Lizzylou · 25/09/2006 15:44

Yellowfish, you are NOT a failure. All babies are different and there are no "right" and "wrong" ways of doing things, so no book can help everyone.
DS1 slept thru every night from about 8weeks and had two 2 hour naps regular as clockwork, no problem....imagine my surprise when DS2 came along and seemed to not need any sleep at all during the day and he can still wake 3+ times a night when he's teething. DS2 only sleeps in the car/buggy....so be it! Why does it have to be a cot?? Don't stress about the little things!
Please try not to worry too much and try to get some help so you can get some sleep, sleep deprivation will make any problem a million times worse.

jambot · 25/09/2006 15:58

Yellowfish - don't feel like a failure if you have to resort to certain 'bad' ways to get her to sleep. I also felt quite strongly about what was the 'right' and 'wrong' thing to do with DD, but sometimes, for your own sanity, you have to do what can to get some rest. My DD never slept in the day for the first 4 months and the only way I got her to close her eyes at all was to walk with her in her pram. From 4 months, she suddenly settled and now at 18 months, still sleeping 2-3 hours in the day and a full 12/13 hours at night. There is hope, but if you are feeling really lost, I would def look at getting some help from a baby sleep expert - they really can help. It's worth shelling out the money if you can afford it. Good Luck.

princessmel · 25/09/2006 16:13

Yellowfish, Please don't feel a failure if you bf your baby to slp or they only slp in the car or buggy. Whats important is that they are actually getting some sleep and then you can sit down for a bit, even if its only for 20 mins. It will get longer. My dd still wakes for bf in the night - she's 13months, and loads of other babes do too.

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