Is this controlled crying, and is it too early?

[LoveAfternoonTea]

My 3 month old is a good sleeper once she is asleep, but my god is it hard to get her there sometimes. Up to now I've mostly been feeding her to sleep, or sometimes rocking her. This is fine, and I'd be happy to continue with it for now, but she has become literally impossible to put down. It doesn't matter how deeply asleep she is in my arms, she will always wake and cry when I try and put her in the cot. Two nights of sitting up cuddling her while she slept showed me that this can't continue as I'll end up falling asleep and dropping her. I can't catch up on sleep during her daytime naps as again, she's in my arms.

The last two nights we've put her in the cot tired but awake and DH has sat shushing and patting her while she cries. She's never alone, but will cry for ages (30-40 mins) before finally going to sleep. I feel terrible but don't know what else to do. If she gets really in a tizz he picks her up to calm her, but then has to start again as she cries the moment she hits the mattress again. Is she too little for this? Any other suggestions for helping her go to sleep in the cot? She is comforted by sucking but has never taken to a dummy, and is not really co-ordinated enough to suck her thumb in a calming way yet (but is starting to get better)

You poor things. It's exhausting isn't it?

My DD is 3 months too and I've been feeding/rocking to sleep but like you the "put down" part often wakes her. She's actually starting to get better at settling in the cot even if she does wake when she lands but she has to be verrrrry sleepy before she's put in and still requires intervention.

She has often cried a bit before settling (though probably more like 5-10 min grizzles so I really feel for you at 30mins) and like yours is very comforted by sucking- sometimes she manages to send herself off if she keeps her thumb in for long enough so I'm really hoping this may help eventually!

In the meantime she sometimes will take a dummy for long enough to drift off, but again only if she's very sleepy and I sort of sit it up against her mouth- she'll stick her tongue at it bit and then sometimes take it so that helps. She'll also quite enthusiastically suck my little finger which works really well but I'm a bit terrified of it becoming a habit so only do it in extremis and take it out as soon as she nods off!

One thing I had been doing which helped was lifting her mattress out of the moses basket and lying her on it in my arms for her bedtime feed- it actually helped a good bit when trying to transfer her without waking as I wasn't just plonking her into a cold cot.

I've found white noise helps too- our bathroom has an annoyingly loud fan which I now love for this reason.

I found the No Cry Sleep Solution helpful-ish in terms of very slow, gentle ways of getting her to sleep minus rocking/feeding but I haven't seen great results yet- though tbh the fact that she is able to go into her cot, wake a little, and SOMETIMES go to sleep is a big improvement.

For naps I've taken to sticking her in buggy and wheeling her up and down the kitchen because I can't be doing with the hassle of a cot transfer 4 times a day!

I don't know if this essay offers any help at all but just wanted to empathise. What you're doing isn't controlled crying because that involves leaving them to cry alone but I know how stressful ANY crying is when it's your beloved LO doing it so maybe some of the above might help.

Have you tried heating her cot with a water bottle before putting her down (so the temperature change isn't so big)?

Is she winded before she's put down? If you pick her up again, does she ever burp?

Or could it be that she doesn't like sleeping on her back (reflux issues maybe?)? Would putting her down on her side or slightly reclined help?

Are her limbs properly floppy when you try to put her down? I always had to wait until I could lift DS' arm and it'd fall limply down without him stirring at all before he could be put down..

Have you tried co-sleeping? Esp for the day time nap it'd give you some time to catch up on your sleep too. Or sleeping in a sling if you need/want to do stuff (but if I were you I'd rather sleep ;)). A lot of babies settle easier in the sling as well, and you could again try putting her down from it once she's asleep. If upright sleeping works well I'd also have a look at reflux / silent reflux in case that's what's bothering her.

We did this with DD1 when she was 3 months old. We made sure she was sleepy but not asleep when we put her down. I couldn't cope with any more nights of being up every hour and a half and feeding/ cuddling her whilst she slept. It took a week for her to settle herself without crying. We did start expressing a bottle of my milk so she had a really full tummy at bedtime too. She went from waking every hour and a half to sleeping 8 hours...

Oh and it's not controlled crying because you're not leaving her.

It's not controlled crying, but it is crying that isn't being comforted, and it is sleep training.

Thanks for the replies and suggestions. Heating the cot worked well when she was tiny, but it's so damn hot in the bedroom that this isn't needed at the moment! It's not so much hitting the mattress that wakes her now, it's moving her away from me and down towards the cot. She's ridiculously sensitive to motion - even lifting her out of the car in her seat often wakes her. I always wait until she's properly floppy but it doesn't seem to make a difference any more. Little moves, like from my lap onto the sofa next to me can be achieved with a little stirring, but that doesn't really help as then I'm still pinned to the sofa to keep an eye on her (never thought I'd be complaining about enforced laziness ). I think part of the problem is that she's now bigger relative to my hands/arms that she gets a little uncomfy when I manoeuvre her into the put-down position.

Winding: yes, she's winded, definitely don't think this is part of the problem.

Reflux: don't think so. She's a fairly sicky baby but never shows any sign of agitation with it, and is really very contented when she's not tired (which she often is as she refuses to fall asleep, the silly little thing). She's very happy on her back awake or when asleep, so I don't think it's discomfort. As I say, this isn't a frequent waking problem, she'll go 10 hours overnight (and presumably self-settle a few times during this which confuses me a bit as to how she can manage it overnight but not when going to sleep?) it's a settling to sleep problem and/or inability to get her into the cot once asleep.

Sling: ahhhh I had such hopes! I could get her into it once she was asleep with some stirring but then going off again (haven't tried recently to be fair) and she'd stay asleep for ages. But trying to get her into it when not asleep is like wrestling an octopus! She just hates it, and would definitely not drop off in it. I wonder if part of the problem is that she's so curious (doesn't really like staring at me too much, hugely prefers to be held facing outward so she can see the world) and wont fall to sleep without help as the world is too interesting. I've obviously tried to make the bedroom as non-stimulating as possible but makes no difference.

Cosleeping: I feel really nervous about this for some reason, and DH is dead against it too. Catching up on sleep is only needed if I end up having to cuddle her for hours a night when I can't put her down.

Anyhow, a couple of nights later it's getting a bit better. She basically really needs to suck something to get her to sleep, and we've found that if we put her in the cot very tired but not actually dropping to sleep (when we did this the waking up would make her very upset and she'd cry herself awake) then give her something to suck (still hit and miss on the dummy, but a finger is working OK) then she's doing a lot better. It's still taking an age for her to get to sleep, but there is much much less crying which is good.

Sounds like you've tried the lot then.. I don't really have any better suggestions, except I'd give feeding/rocking to sleep, putting her down in your bed and lying down next to her for a little bit a try just to see if it makes a difference if you're still there touching her after you've put her down. Then move away after a little while. If it does work I'd look at either getting her a mattress on the floor (or similar) so there's space for you in her bed just to get her off, or re-consider co-sleeping.

It is definitely harder to put them down without disturbing them when they're bigger - and I could never move DS from the carseat asleep.

She might get better with the dummy though, I remember DS couldn't keep in his mouth for ages, poor little bugger. He definitely wanted it, but kept spitting it out.

Just keep at it then if it's getting better. Persistence was my watchword when my girls were babies.

Good luck!

It's definitely not controlled crying. And it sounds to me that you've reached a stage where there's little alternative than helping her learn how to settle herself. It's probably the best thing to do in the long run for her and for you, so I'd stick with it.

One thing just to add, I went through a similar thing when my DD was a bit older. It seemed to take ages for her to fall asleep and after a while I realised that all the shhhing and patting was probably more of a hinderance than a help. You might want to experiment with just sitting close by so she can see you and quietly shhhing or even leaving the room when she seems calm.

If you're breastfeeding you could have a good strong chamomile tea before doing the last feed. I also found acupressure helped my DD get into a sleepy state, then she'd drop off far more easily. Beats sitting in a darkened room for 2 hours on end. If you're interested in this technique here's the info - mydaughterwontsleep.com/2013/12/27/the-sleep-inducing-power-of-acupressure/

An accupressure sleep button! This sounds too good to be true, but I will definitely give it a try. I've just tried it on myself and it does feel nice and relaxing. Fingers crossed!

How's it going loveafternoontea? Found this thread and I have exactly your problem. 3 mo, Always bf to sleep and now she doesn't know how to get there herself! I can't put her down now, so I'm holding her for a couple of 1-2 hr naps all day, so I can't do anything. Can go out either; she doesn't even fall asleep in stroller now! Thinking of trying the baby whisper we'd pick up/put down which is really what you've been doing, so wondered how it went?!!

Hi Natalie. It's going OK, but that's only because she's figured out how to use the dummy properly now and can suck herself to sleep. This is still absolutely essential for her, and there's no way she'd be able to settle without it. So I don't think she's really learnt anything about settling herself to be honest, only that there is an acceptable alternative to sucking on me! But that's fine for us, and I have no problems with her using the dummy while she needs it. In the end we found the pick up/put down was counter productive as whilst she would be pretty much immediately comforted on being picked up, she'd then be in full scale meltdown the instant you put her down and the whole thing became never ending. The key for us is timing. She has her last feed before bed and if she starts to nod off during it I'll do gentle talking/jiggling/smiling to keep her awake. Then wind her whilst trying to keep her calm (not always easy), and put her down when she's not in any way distressed. She'll have a grizzle as she's being moved away from me, but it's straight in with the dummy and soon the eyes start to close. I sit next to the cot while she's dropping off to make sure the dummy stays in until she's deeply asleep. Last night something woke her and we didn't get up to her before full on crying had started, but it was back in with the dummy, and we tried a white noise app on the phone which seemed to work very well. She was back asleep within about 20 mins. I feel for you with the stroller not working anymore, it's a nightmare being housebound. Daytime naps are still a bit hit and miss for me as I can't not go out, so she'll get bits and bobs of sleep in the car or pram, and I'm still happy to feed her to sleep at baby groups/cafes etc. I probably should try and be more consistent and get her regularly napping in the cot, but I just have to get out of the house.

Hi I just came over to post a thread about this and saw yours! My son is 7months and will go to sleep in the buggy from which I transfer him to the cot once he's off. However he weighs 25lbs and is 99centile for height so this is be becoming a nightmare! I did tonight for the first te what you describe your DH doing its exactly like the baby whisperer book. It's not controlled crying as I was adament he is to young for that. It went awfully he cried and cried until he was sick everywhere. So I bought him down and rocked him in the buggy :( huge fail

I have also failed with pu/pd. she was so distressed I couldn't take it. :(

Will she suck on your little finger Natalie? Ours was very keen on this when she was tiny and it helped her sleep. She went off it for some reason, although her Auntie's finger is still deemed acceptable. We're still doing well with dummy and/or thumb sucking here. I really hope you find a solution soon, and feel for you going through it. I found it so so hard to listen to her cry for ages.