Sorry so long.
We have a 2.8 yr old and a 4.7 year old. The 4.7 year old is overall a great sleeper (touch wood), was bottle fed from about 4 months and just seems to realise his bed is where he is meant to be.
Our 2.8 year old has been an atrocious sleeper since birth. Has never slept through the night and I have somehow ended up nursing her still which wasn’t my intended plan but we ended up stuck feeding to sleep and yada yada yada. Her sleep has pretty much broken me and my partner and my relationship is hanging on but a very, very thin thread –just wrote shred, that’s probably more the real state--…
Bedtime has a v clear routine, tv time for ½ hour, bath time, story downstairs and milk, teeth, wee, story upstairs, nursing then into bed. She was settling after I held her hand for 5 mins and went out to do ‘jobs’ but something went wibbly and now I am back in holding hand til she falls asleep. Sometimes 15 mins sometimes 45 mins. So not great. Partner can put her to bed at greater speed but only if I am out or she dashes around screaming and ‘finding’ me and then I just don’t know how to handle it, too old for CC I think and I don’t really feel right with it. Rapid return I guess but I am so exhausted I bulk at the prospect (weak). She seems very, very strong willed to me.
She wakes in the night at least twice between 10-1 then once more before 545 or later if I am lucky – I end up nursing her. She has started climbing out of her cot and wants a ‘big girl bed’ but we are reticent as really can’t imagine she will stay in it and will be even worse when easier to get out. She goes BALLISTIC several nights of the week on waking in the night. Last night she just screamed like a banshee, despite ‘yes, you can nurse’/’here is some water if you say you’re thirsty’/’no you can’t get up it is sleep time for everyone’ then ignoring screeches but still in sight. She screams ‘go away/I don’t like you etc’ then as soon as you do, screams for you back REALLY loud. Partner then gets riled and sometimes shouts/swears 
/ threatens to throw into bed etc. I just don’t know what to tackle first or how to restore order, feels horrible and like a battle I don’t know how to plan for (and feel v.guilty about). Any suggestions (gentle please)? Have Gro-clock but don’t know if can employ to help, do I risk a bar-less bed? Reward chart?