Am I doing it all wrong? 8 wk baby cannot fall asleep on her own :(

[megsy123]

I am new to mumsnet - I have a lovely little 8 wk old daughter who is challenging me with several sleep issues and I and look forward to any advice/suggestions that anybody may have. I feel like nothing I am doing is working and am getting desperate! Here is a bit of background:

Days: She can ONLY fall asleep if being rocked for ages or, especially, if she breastfeeds until she falls asleep. As soon as she is put down in her moses basket, cot or bouncer chair, she wakes up, if not instantly, within 5 minutes and cries, and she is still obviously sleepy. She has never been able to fall asleep on her own accord - she gets very close, but without fail, she wakes herself up as soon as her eyes start to droop. She absolutely hates her pram and carseat - she has never been able to fall asleep in them and instead screams blue murder as soon as she gets tired. The only place I seem to be able to get her to sleep without breastfeeding her is in a sling.

Nights: She is currently sleeping pretty fairly well during the night, (going to bed at 7pm and waking for feeds around midnight and 3am and then up around 5.30am), however, again, she needs to be breastfed and then placed in her cot when she is in a deep sleep. I have tried putting her down awake and it has worked a few times at night, but more often than not, she screams and instantly wants to go back on the breast.

I suppose the days are a bigger issue because I feel housebound and like all I do is spend the entire day trying to get her to sleep which is exhausting for the both of us!

Has anybody had these problems?

Does anybody have any suggestions on how to get my daughter to settle herself to sleep when she has not ever been able to do it up to now?

Has anybody tried using a sleep consultant/specialist, and if so, can they recommend anybody? (I am in SW London).

I look forward to your responses!

Mx

All babies are different, but mine certainly couldn't self-settle at 8 weeks! I bf to sleep until he stopped bf at about a year old, then cuddled to sleep. We're now moving on to singing/music. Never had a routine, and he's quite used to fitting in to whatever else we're doing as a family. Today, he took himself off for his nap, on his own, for the first time. He disappeared into the bedroom, I got up to see what he was doing, and he was fast asleep in bed! We've never worried about parenting books etc, just done whatever seemed to suit us all. So don't worry, just love your gorgeous baby and go with the flow!

All normal. Unfortunately you just have to go with it. Post baby reality is different from the books!

The ability to self settle is a developmental milestone that doesn't usually come until around 4-6 months at the earliest

What a load of rubbish!!! Both of mine have self settled by 6-7 weeks old.

OP, lots of cuddles, ditch the books. Go with the flow. Shush, rock, leave. If crying starts, go back in, more shushing, more rocking then LEAVE! Or you'll be the one ending up rocking a toddler to sleep every night!

Don't worry yet though, 9 weeks is still tiny.

Lucky you Need

That must have been down to your fabulous parenting.

Certainly not luck, nosireee.

Most babies cant self settle before 4-6 months. Not all.

I'd agree with the op ditching the books and going with the flow though

Also stressed myself out trying to follow advice like Need's. Which will work for some babies, but not mine.

My daughter now happily sleeps in her own room at one year old...in a toddler bed.

Turn out she just HATED cots, would scream hysterically anytime she went near one. Could have saved myself a lot of stress if I'd just gone with the flow

All babies are different. What works for one will definitely not work for all.

hey op, congratulations!

your baby is TOTALLY normal and sounds a dream sleeper btw already at going so long at nights.

Baby is growing so needs your milk but don't forget that the last 9 months were spent with you and in you; I.e. your voice and warmth were the norm until recently. Please don't be in a hurry to sleep train, you'll only get yourself worked up and baby distressed as well.

keep going and then around 5-6 months join the sleep threads on sleep training.

my DS lived the first 4 months in the sling each and everyday. At 5,5 months he's a great day sleeper now and the envy of friends, also HV encourage the use of slings for proximity of baby to hear your heartbeat.

try and take off the sling slowly once baby is asleep (mine had Velcro ), sometimes it'll work and sometimes it wont. then jump into bed and rest. forget the housework, it'll always be there.

well done Op, the early days are not easy.

I have bf 2 babies and honestly the only way I got sleep and babies got sleep was co-sleeping. Please look it up on how to do it safely if that's something you'd be interested in. Both babies slept in bed with me for 6 months (and DH in the spare bed). I would feed them laying on my side and wham we'd both nut out at some point. Also the theory is the baby will instinctively root for your nipple in the night. Well mine didn't quite get the knack but my god so much easier to just pull them close and feed them.

My DS adored the sling, such a mummy's boy. Both children 2 anand 11 months now sleep in thheir own cot/bed

Justgotosleepnow, I've been given The Baby Whisperer, Gina Ford's Contented Little Baby, Rachel Waddilove's 'The Baby Book' & 'Sleep Solutions' and 'Your Baby Week by Week'

I think there is definitely a thing of TOO MUCH information and it's all overwhelming. At one point we had all the books open and we were reading furiously, only to become even more frustrated as they tend to all say completely different things! I did find 'Your Baby Week by Week' quite useful as it was bite sized chunks of info for each week.

The week by week book is quite helpful yes.
But please give back the baby whisperer and contented baby books. I can't see them helping your baby. I cannot stress enough that your baby needing to be close to you is normal. Leaving a little baby on it's own to cry is not right. Having a routine is also really unreasonable for a baby.

If you slip into a routine then that's great. But the people that wrote those books haven't met your baby and don't know what she needs.

If you were hungry between lunch and dinner and the person you were with didn't let you eat because a book said so, would you find that fair?
No I don't think so. If you impose routines on babies you will very likely stop Breastfeeding because it's a supply and demand thing. Baby is hungry, baby feeds, baby happy!

Yes you might well be very tired. Personally I think this is the biggest con if parent hood- no one tells you how tiring it is. They just let you find out then tell you you are doing it 'wrong' and you need to give an expert your money to 'fix' something. Nope. It's normal, you muddle through.

Plus you are pretty lucky with your baby's night time sleep, some babies don't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours still at 8 weeks.

Another thing is the size of a baby's tummy. It's tiny! That's why they feed so much. No one tells you that either.

I really rate slings for baby being happy next to you while you get on with things. (Tho you shouldn't be doing housework obv )
Look up on google or Facebook to see if there are any sling libraries near you. So you can try some out and see that suits you and baby. Plus you need to learn how to carry baby safely in the sling.

Re nap times - I used to get really frustrated that my baby would only nap in my knee. But you know what, it's lovely, she won't be a baby forever so enjoy the cuddles. Read books or put the tv on, heck even mooch about on mumsnet

My dd has only in the last month happily self settled herself to sleep - she is 22 months! All babies are different, they will all self settle in their own time. 22 months is perhaps on the late side but it has been fine, please don't think there's anything wrong with breastfeeding your dd to sleep - she won't always need it, and it's a natural and easy way for babies to fall asleep.

OP, thank you for this thread! I just came on to post something similar. I keep being told to 'pop the baby in its cot and it will nap' -well, no. This is DC2 so you would think that I would know better!

I have vowed this time round though, never to read any of the parenting books because they make you feel like a crap parent (I threw the baby whisperer in the recycling, didn't want to take it to the charity shop in case someone else read it and felt as rubbish as I did!).

Megsy I could have written your post at the start of the year when my DD was around the same age. I too had all the books open, was googling sleep consultants like mad and wondering why I could run important projects at work but couldn't 'run' my new baby girl!
I agree with all the posters that say this is normal and very common in small babies but I think there are things you can do to help baby settle. I had a maternity nurse stay with me for a week and help get DD into a routine based on Gina Ford. I was breastfeeding at the time but DD had fallen into a pattern of taking teeny tiny feeds which then wouldn't sustain her for naps or any decent stretch at night. So as well as working that out, we used ssh pat to help DD settle for naps and kept our eye on the clock to make sure we timed them right. Like your daughter mine never really took the dummy (even though I was happy to offer it). After a few days of ssh patting I found I could leave the room with DD safely popped in her cot awake and she would drift off (she was around 10 weeks from memory). I've kept to the Gina Ford routines since and do think DD is a contended baby, I have to say. It's amazing how quickly she got tired/ hungry at the 'right' times so it was never about denying her anything. And of course we flex them if we need to.
Anyway, that's what worked for me. It's not for everyone but it worked for us so thought I'd share. I'm also London based so PM me if you want maternity nurse details etc. Good luck.
Oh, and I remember raising my eyebrows when people would tell me I'd miss the days when my baby would fall asleep in my arms/ hunched up on me like a little frog. But turns out they were right

I burnt my baby whispered. Still remember the feeling of relief all these years later.

I forgot...I burnt Gina Ford too....oh the blasphemy!

Ooh, i had forgotten, I burnt a baby sleep book a few years ago when struggling to get DS to nap. At the time I felt I may have been being a little melodramatic, but it did make me feel a lot better.

White noise
Swaddle - thr mother care one that is kind of like a straight jacket and pins their arms down. A god send!
Dummy

Have helped me somewhat, sometimes, occasionally.
Worth a try but remember that whoever invented the term 'sleep like a baby' was a wanker.

Ha! Maybe I will save all of my baby books for Burns night then!

I made the mistake of reading week 9 of the 'Week by Week' book today and what did it say? 'It's important that he becomes able to self-soothe' Aaaaarghghghhg! I nearly went to crack open a bottle of wine there and then ;)

I do swaddle, I do try the dummy, I have tried white noise, I've tried the pat/sshh technique, I've tried bouncing her to sleep in her chair, I've tried the pram, the carseat - but all she wants is cuddles and milk, so, like most of you said, I will really try to enjoy it rather than resent it. I took her out in the sling today, and she stayed asleep in it for 2.5 hours, so at least she got caught up on some day time napping :)

Thank you all again - I've really enjoyed reading all your posts and quite a few have made me have a good chuckle xxx

My DD is 3 weeks old and is similar to your DD. Your post made me think of this bit from The Womanly Art Of Breastfeeding: "It’s all in your perspective... take another look at how your day is going. For every woman who says, “I think something’s wrong. If I’m not holding him or nursing him, he’s crying,” there’s another who says, “I figured it out! All I have to do is hold him and nurse him and he’s happy as a clam.”" I'm trying to make this my motto. Very good book as well.

TheOriginalWinkly - that is brilliant! I am going to use that :)

My baby is a little older but she does not self soothe, she sleeps in her sling or with me/ sibling/ husband .

I tend to just get on with what I have to do with her in the sling or if take her nap as a cue for me to also have a nap or a relaxed read

ds can't sleep when over tired, so i suggest you make the sling sleep a regular part of your day. get up, dressed, fed then sling on, walk in direction of coffee shop, fingers crossed they're asleep by the time you're there and you can read the paper and eat cake

OP, thank you SO MUCH for posting this as it saved me the trouble of writing it myself. I'm sat here with 8 week old DS asleep on me and know that if I put him down he'll wake up. I've been reading all the same books as you and becoming very frustrated at all the chat about needing them to be independent already.
We have no joy with pram or car seat either, but I love the ergo baby carrier that a friend loaned me which means I can get stuff done every so often.
Love the responses from everyone saying that it's normal at this stage makes me feel a lot better, but I do understand your frustration, it would be nice to use his nap times as me time.

I'm doing it all second time round, without the dreaded books this time. 18 weeks in I still feed about 6 times a night. I'm tired but perfectly happy because nobody is criticising me. And my baby is calm and content.

Burn the books! You won't look back.

We had a breakthrough yesterday and she fell asleep in her pram! Little victories :)

Do the books really say an 8 week old should be becoming independent? That's shocking. An 8 week old baby is very vulnerable.

Anyone heard of the 4th trimester? Ie babies are born to human mothers a few months too early because otherwise they wouldn't fit tru our pelvis- which is tilted to allow us to walk. So we need to look after them much more than other great ape babies.

Babies become more independent on their own naturally as they form healthy bonds with their care givers, ie around 2years old. Not 2 months old. Cuddling and being responsive to their needs in the early months is what they expect and need.

Following your instinct seems to be uncool but only you know what your little baby needs.

Solution so you get some sleep?
if they only can sleep on you or near you then cosleeping safely is a solution.
And yes it's fustrating looking around at the jobs you could be doing while they nap on you. So you could use a sling to lump em around. Or put your feet up and go with it.

Your baby doesn't know it's been born in the 21st century and it's supposed to sleep on it's own, be independent very young, not 'manipulate' their parents and generally fit in to your life.

Do remember anyone can write a book and get published and sell lots. It does not mean what they say is any good.

Enjoy the cuddles