At my wits end with 6 month old

[Roxie85]

Hi everyone, i really need some help with my almost 6 month old girl.

We have had a bedtime routine of bath, feed and story since she was 2 months old and she used to take about 45 mins to get to sleep and then she would be fine. She would be asleep by 8:30pm and then would wake for first breastfeed at 2am with a couple of dummy moans in between (a stretch of almost 7hrs between feeds)

Then she hit 3 months and it all went wrong. She would just scream and scream at bedtime as soon as we put her down. We tried rocking her to sleep but that wouldnt work and as soon as she hit the sheet......bam! Screaming. Then when she finally fell asleep she would wake up within 1hr screaming and screaming and we would start all over again. Its exhausting.

We now try and make sure she goes to sleep in her cot no matter what so i stroke her face, hold her hand, and it worked for about a week and we thought she was taking less and less time to go down, but now it takes at least an hour for her to fall asleep and then she will wake every 40mins or so and will only go about 3-4hrs between feeds (breastfed)

I try and get some form of naps in the day, but we do different things each day so she cant have set nap times.
Today she napped well i think...woke at 7am, nap from 9-9:50, nap from 12-13 (woke for 5-10mins in the middle but we had to go out so she fell back to sleep in the car), nap 16:10-16:30, up to bed at 18:45. When she went down for her naps she fell asleep from being drowsy in her bed within 5mins. But she didnt fall asleep tonight until almost 8pm and i had to be in the room. If i leave while she is still awake at bedtime she cries and smiles when i come back in, or she wont stop crying so i wonder if its gas.

I am ruined! She wont let daddy put her to bed either and i just feel like i have created the situation myself by not creating a routine sooner.
I struggle with naps in the day as everyone says that after about 2-2.5hrs awake they will need a nap but sometimes this works and other times i put her down and she screams for 20mins and then is wide awake.

Anyone got any help to start getting her sleeping better? It seems that whatever we try works for a week and then she figures it out and it works no more. I feel i need to start from scratch routine wise maybe and am aware that i could have a horrific few weeks ahead of me but i need to get some time back for myself.

She is very small. I don't think you can call it a routine at that age.
They change so much and go through phases.

I went with the flow at that age, put my dc to bed when they were tired, slept when they slept during the day.
But then I'm forrin and don't share the English love of early bedtimes (and strict routines for tiny babies). None of my dc were ever in bed before 8pm.
From age 1-1.5 onwards they had a more or less reliable 8pm bedtime, when they had only one long nap during the day.
I would definitely involve your dh, of course he can do the bedtimes, your dd will get used to it!

PS I had a babybay at my bed at that time and had my babies within reach and could lie down while they went to sleep or breastfeed and then move them over to the babybed.

After 2 children, one of whom slept reasonably well, taking half an hour to go to sleep in the evening and waking approx 3-4 times a night at 6mths, and one whose sleep was horrific, my take on baby sleep is this:
1)Do reasonably sensible things. Have a good bedtime routine, try and get them to have sensible naps during the day so they are neither overslept nor overtired. Make sure they are eating enough in the daytime and aren't hungry at night. Don't feed them coffee at bedtime. Etc.
2)If you are doing these things, your child will sleep well when he/she is genetically programmed to. There's nothing more you can do except:
3)Co-sleep, which works better for some children than others (no help with DC2!!) and you will need to see it through until they are 2 or 3 years
4)Let them cry it out, which if you can stand it, is the only thing guarranteed to work. It's not for everyone.

I maintain that nothing else works, and when people think it did, its because their child was going to sleep through anyway. Believe me when I say, with DC1, we tried EVERYTHING, barring crying it out, and long term co-sleeping (sometimes, we just had to). Nothing worked. We were persistent, and saw things through for weeks/months. Eventually, completely out of the blue and unconnected to our efforts, he just slept. He was around 20mths old. It hasnt been anywhere near as bad the second time round, but it has helped to know that one day it will just happen, and we just need to go with it and wait. One day, we will sleep again. Share the burden as equally as you can between you, and ask friends or family to take over occasionally so you can get catch up in.

The only thing I think you need to be careful of, is the phrase 'she won't let her Dad put her to bed'. Her Daddy loves her, and she loves him. Even if she is yelling for you, if you know she is with someone who loves her and cares for her, then there is no 'let' about it in our house. Daddy/Grandma is putting her to bed that night and mummy is having time off. Kiss her, tell her you love her, say night night and walk away. She is safe with Daddy/Grandma. It's not the same as letting them cry it out, they are not alone. If you aren't going down the cry it out route, you at least need to recharge while someone else takes a turn, or you will go mad.

The only other thing we noticed was a definite, marked improvement when we switched from bottles to sippy cups. Much less wind taken on so less waking for this reason. Doing this asap this time.

Don't listen to mothers who say 'Really? Mine slept through from 3mths!' Either their version of 'slept through' is different to yours, they are exceptionally lucky, or lying.

And just keep repeating, its a phase it will end. You are a good mother. It will end, and you will get to sleep again. Its just a waiting game.

Thanks for the pep talk.
Hubby does come and take over for a bit or sit with me to share the burden. I think its more that she screams so much when hes on his own that he gets really stressed and cant take it anymore so wants me to help.
He is about to lose his job too so i feel that putting him through a tough night time isnt fair.
We tried moving her bedtime later as we found that she would drop off to sleep at 9 or so but again that seemed to work for a few days and then no longer. It got to the point that we were just doing her bath and story later at night and going to sleep later ourselves as she would cry later.
Ive been really relaxed with routines until now and have just gone with the flow, not having a set bedtimes or nap times, more going when she looks tired, but it doesnt seem to work anymore and i worry that my baby is getting herself into a state.

I feel for you - our 6mo DS2 was a pretty good sleeper until recently. He used to settle himself at bedtime but won't now, just screams until I feed him to sleep. What's interesting is that he settles himself for naps during the day still.

He's going through a really hungry phase, waking every 2 hours for a feed (bf), and contrary to what people trot out about solids making them sleep through its seems to have actually made him worse.

We can't just let him scream because it's disturbing DS1 who has his own sleep issues (had tonsils removed recently for sleep apnoea which woke him many times a night, and his sleep hasn't improved yet). Last night it took 2 hours to get DS2 to sleep - every time I put him down he kept screaming for another feed.

I agree with Niggle - good bedtime routine of bath, milk and bed (he also gets a story with his brother!) Maybe think about co-sleeping. We do it, and did it with DS1. Don't believe those who tell you all the rod for your own back and they'll never get in their own bed nonsense. DS1 is 2.8yo and will happily go to his own bed now (even though his sleep is still crappy!) For a while with DS1 we'd put him to bed in his own room then he'd come in with us through the night when the waking up got too much. For us it's all about maximising sleep for everyone.

Take what others say with a pinch of salt. MIL said all hers slept through from 8 weeks, but people's definition of sleeping through varies. In her case she means from midnight to 5am. Not exactly sleeping through in my book, I mean 7-7.

Keep telling yourself it's a phase and it will pass. What will probably happen is you'll get this sorted, then something else will come along to confound and exasperate!!

Move milk to before bath/ story/ bed to break them associating sleep = feed. Same with naps

Some really good ideas from everyone so far. Ill give them a try thanks.

I do sometimes bring her into bed if she wakes at 5am for a feed and i am exhausted.
What should i do if she falls asleep feeding? Wake her for bath time etc?
She doesn't feed before naps in the day at all and seems to settle ok, its just night times that are awful. She is usually getting tired when we take her up for her bath so once she starts feeding she tends to start to drop off although I do wake her for her story at the moment.
Sometimes i think i am just being fussy as many other mums who seem to be happy with their sleep patterns do things that i wouldnt fancy ie rocking to sleep, sleeping downstairs until the parents go to bed. I really want to get to the self soothe stage or at least know that if i sit with her for 20mins she drops off, not screaming for hours.
Am very aware that once they learn to self soothe then they can self soothe if they wake in the night too which should mean longer stretches of sleep for me and maybe only 1 wake in the night for a feed.

I agree with artandco - that's what worked for us to break the 'feeding to sleep'. After 2 weeks we moved the feed back to after the bath and it's now not a problem. We had loads of sleep issues too and I read somewhere to devote a couple of weeks of trying to stay at home more, especially for the morning nap. I felt really resentful at first, but now he always naps at the same time every morning in his bed (6 months old) and is a much less grumpy child. I've ended up doing more housework (groan) from being at home more. Good luck xxx