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Am I damaging my baby?

23 replies

BB01 · 11/06/2014 10:34

My DD is nearly 1 and has always struggled a lot with sleep. For ages we did the whole co-sleeping thing where she'd bf on and off all the night. Daytime sleeps mostly in sling (wouldn't sleep anywhere else).

Now she'll not usually settle at all by being breastfed over night. So DH and I had to walk her up and down stairs for hours in the evening and over night. Nothing else worked. But often the second we tried to transfer her she woke.

So we're trying shush pat but a to begin with I'm doing it cuddling her. The first two nights she settled pretty fast after some angry crying but last night it took an hour for her first sleep and she was quite distressed. So far she's sleeping a lot longer which is great. But she's very very withdrawn and clingy in the day, wanting milk or to twiddle my nipples all day!!!

I'm still feeding her overnight (she's tiny and hospital said she still needs it). She literally is pawing at me every ten mins and looks so fed up.

My instincts tell me maybe she's not quite ready but DH and I have been at breaking point. We've hardly had any time away from her since she was born, no nights out together, no hobbies, no enjoyment for life in the past few weeks since her sleep got even worse. Feel even worse about the sleep training as she might be teething and has had a cold. Plus I would say she completely fits the 'high needs baby' model that Sears etc talk about, and there's evidence showing that not giving them what they need can be damaging.

But just don't see how we could have gone on as we were.

We've tried DH settling her but as soon as he takes her from me she's inconsolable.

Has anyone had similar experiences?

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whatsagoodusername · 11/06/2014 15:59

I'm sure you're not damaging her! You do need to take care of yourself as well!

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Are you using bottles as well as breastfeeding? If not, maybe that would help? When DH tries to settle her, are you there or in a different room? How long is he left to settle her?

Leave sleep training until she's over the cold, she's bound to be unsettled with it on top of being high needs.

I hope someone is along soon with better help! And do book yourself something to look forward to... even if it's just an hour or two out of the house on your own/with DH. Have you got family/friends nearby to help out?

Doingeverythingican · 11/06/2014 19:13

My DS is 10 months and without at doubt a high needs baby, sleep is up and down with us and we still have 1 ff every night at 2:30ish he doesn't weigh much and doesn't drink milk in the day so needs it! So similar to your LO

We started with gradual retreat so I messed with his routine a little so milk bath story bed and I rocked to sleep so that he broke the association with milk and sleeping then after 3nights I stopped rocking and just cuddled, after 3 nights popped him in bed awake and patted then stroked now I just sit next to his cot till his asleep so effectively he has learned to self settle I can't do cc/CIO it's not in me to listen to my son crying and not respond!
So it's a long process but it helped us! Don't get me wrong he still has rubbish nights like tonight took 40 mins for him to go to sleep crying and rolling around but I just comfort him lay him down and gently sing him his favourite song!

I hope something in there helps!!!

BB01 · 11/06/2014 20:31

Thanks Whatsagood. I was going to delay it till she completely got rid of the cold (she's had it ages now and it's only really a runny nose) but then she was getting so little sleep a I honestly didn't know what would be worse for her as she was just clearly exhausted! She doesn't have bottles but will drink from a cup but not if she's upset. We only tried a few mins with DH as she was choking from crying. However I wonder whether it might be a good idea to try to get him to settle her for some naps at the weekend.

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BB01 · 11/06/2014 20:34

Doing, you give me hope - thank you! That sounds v similar to what we're doing. I was worried I was just prolonging the misery by doing it so gradually but I do think it's the right way for us and vv glad to hear it worked for you. You must be very relieved. It's just so different when your baby is do needy and persistent. People give really well intentioned advice that just wouldn't work for them.

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sososotired · 11/06/2014 20:40

Good luck it's hard! Took me a good week for him to learn to self settle but once he got the hang of it 9/10 we only have one wake up a night ;) and just like your LO my LO wouldn't settle for daddy at night but I found leaving the house and letting DH do naps on his own help a lot and he can now even do our 2:30 feed! Just take it slow is the only thing I'd say, if she gets upset comfort her!

BB01 · 11/06/2014 22:25

Thanks tired, that's so good to know. How long did your baby cry for each time you had to settle them?? We're on wake up one and it's taking hours of crying whereas some it's only a few minutes

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sososotired · 11/06/2014 23:14

Depends really on well I don't know what really he generally settles quickly once I'm in his room usually less than a minute just a quick tap on his bottom does the trick (side sleeper) but tonight took about 40 minutes? I think sometimes they see if you will give in and give them what they want?

First few nights are tough don't give up!!

BB01 · 12/06/2014 07:44

Thank you..am hoping it will get better soon!

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sososotired · 12/06/2014 07:55

This thread might help you and give some hope!

carolinementzer · 12/06/2014 09:15

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BB01 · 12/06/2014 18:06

Thanks very much Caroline - I'll have a look into this!

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carolinementzer · 14/06/2014 10:55

No problem, I hope you find something useful. Best wishes x

Iggly · 14/06/2014 20:57

Why is she small? Is it reflux?

BB01 · 15/06/2014 07:56

Hi Iggly, she's just always been small, was born near the bottom of the chart and has stayed there. The paed thinks just genetic as my sis and I were v small babies

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neilsharvest · 15/06/2014 18:43

In same boat. Every time I think things are getting better something comes along to bring back the screaming. I'm back at work and just finding it so difficult. Some good advice here. Thanks for the thread. Hope things are ok tonight for you.

BB01 · 15/06/2014 18:45

Thanks Neil. Sorry it's so hard for you, too. We have now transitioned from cuddling to a cot with DH next to her and mostly she's going to sleep with no tears and sleeping up to 9 hours in a row. It is an absolute transformation. Not sure how it will work when I try for first time to get her off though and the boobs are right next to her! What have you tried so far?

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Iggly · 15/06/2014 19:57

OK I only ask because if she is naturally small then why does she need night feeding?

neilsharvest · 15/06/2014 21:40

On a good night I stand by cot and he's asleep in five mins. Got there with pupd but can't seem to get any further away and dh has no chance. Last three nights he's been in our bed by ten coz the screaming wears me out!

Glad to hear of your 9 hours! What would your top tips be?

BB01 · 15/06/2014 22:42

Iggly, infant feeding adviser at hospital said some babies need night feeds still at one year

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Iggly · 16/06/2014 03:22

Ah OK. Mine did still feed at that age BTW although not sure if habit or not!

BB01 · 16/06/2014 07:18

It is a bit of a tricky one. She often seems genuinely hungry not just as though she's feeding for comfort but I'm not really sure whether it's an actual nutritional need it whether she's just used to it so feels hungry when she could actually go without! But generally not wanting to cut them all out at once in case it does affect her weight gain.

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BB01 · 16/06/2014 13:18

That sounds hard Neils. I'm afraid all we've really done is shush pat but gradually getting more hands off with it. We've also made sure there's lots of white noise in the room as she's still a v light sleeper and she sleeps much, much better on her stomach (and is nearly one now so risks v minimal I think). We encourage her to sleep on her stomach by giving her lots of teddies to cuddle up with. However she's only just started liking to do this and think with younger babies you're supposed to avoid big cuddly toys. Sorry can't really suggest anything else. Are you breastfeeding? So far since she's been in the cot we've replaced her overnight breastfeeds with a cup of cow's milk or water and I wonder whether that's put her off waking up more.

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