Don't want to do CC or CIO

[Littleen]

I just need some support really, I have a 3 months old son, for the last 3 weeks he's been very awkward getting to bed at night and it's certainly doing my head in. Can take me several hours to settle him to sleep, and sometimes I just give in and take him for a short walk in his pram to get him to sleep. I want to create good associations for his sleep, to make it easier for him to self-settle when he's ready for it. He was good at settling when he was smaller, but suddenly won't do it anymore.

It seems as though controlled crying (not controlled from babys point of view) or just leaving babies to cry is a default recommendation from people and from parenting books, but all the research says it's damaging for babies - also I really would not be comfortable leaving a friend to cry, why would I feel ok leaving my own child to cry! Anyway, I don't really want to discuss pros and cons etc - that's a whole other thread, but I really feel like I need some support in the decision of not doing it the way that appears to be expected. I don't understand why it's frowned upon, and I feel really alone in my opinion! Please is there anyone who feels the same way as me, or should I just give in to the pressure that seems to be everywhere?

Wow, which parenting books are you reading?! Never read anything which advocates leaving a 3 month old to CIO!

It's your baby, do whatever you feel is right. I've certainly left mine to cry for a bit, probably up to 5-10 mins, if I'm confident they're just crying through tiredness. But that's my babies my decision, wouldn't expect anyone else to follow suit if they didn't want to.

I don't think anyone would suggest you leave a 3 month old to cry endlessly. Agree with WillSing mine was also left to cry (more grizzle) for up to 10 minutes if it was just a tired cry. Up till about 2-3 months I did the whole 'shush-pat' thing in the cot and also used white noise to help her get off. Just after 3 months she slept through, and only then was I happy to leave her for a bit of a grizzle if I knew she was fed, dry, cuddled.

You're not alone. I couldn't bear to leave either of mine either. I either co slept, or sat singing to them or fed them to sleep, cuddled them to sleep.

I would check he doesn't need another feed perhaps if he really won't settle when you putting him down?

Also, might he be overtired when you put him down, which is why he cannot drop off so easily as before? 2 hours between sleeps at that age is a good rule of thumb. Any longer and they find it more difficult to sleep not less.

I think 5 mins max to leave to settle with the right cues and after that I would be thinking about rocking, soothing and prams, or most important, more milk, winding etc. My babies always had a very good bedtime routine btw, and that was at 7.30 after a bath and a feed. Feeding to sleep can be feeding till very sleepy, mot completely out cold!

I would take a look at the reasons why he isn't settling, colic, reflux, hunger, overtiredness rather than going for solutions like cc.

I agree with the above 3 months is way to young to even consider CIO. There are plenty of other techniques to try first - I found baby massage and acupressure a miracle for settling an over tired child. Also I drank camomile tea in the afternoon so when I did the last breastfeed my DD got some soothing effect too. As Swanhilda about says I would also check out other reasons for not setting like silent reflux, colic if you really think that it's unusually bad. My DD was sensitive to gluten and cow's milk in my breast milk and settled much better after I avoided them in my diet.

Here's my blog post on baby massage and acupressure if you're interested in trying these techniques.
Good luck! you're not alone in not wanting to CC or CIO. And some babies it just doesn't work for.

mydaughterwontsleep.com/2013/12/27/the-sleep-inducing-power-of-acupressure/
mydaughterwontsleep.com/2014/01/08/the-power-of-a-mothers-touch/

I really would never try CIO or CC, to me it seems more like an accepted form of child abuse, to be blunt. It just frustrates me how it's so publicly accepted and as if I'm weak not to do it too, at 3 months or 6 months or at some point way before my baby has the ability to express himself with words!

I normally give him a bath at 7, followed by cuddles and a feed (bf) in bed, where he used to fall asleep! Also try not to have him up more than 1,5 - 2 hours, as he gets easily overtired. He doesn't overly cry much anymore as long as I hold him. Put him down and he starts grizzling and then crying pretty quickly. He's not patient enough for stories or baby massage, though not tried acupressure.

Hi Littleen :) I just wanted to jump in and say that I don't think CC/CIO as you imagine it (i.e. shutting the door and leaving the baby screaming in there) is publicly accepted as such. Or at least...I've never met anyone IRL who has done this.

What I think is accepted is what the pps have described (leaving a grizzly baby for a few minutes to put themselves to sleep) AND these forms of sleep-training when the alternative is actually worse for the baby. (For example, what's worse for a baby? Being left to cry one night or a mother unable to care for it because she is so sleep deprived? And I'm talking about, say, a nine month old who has woken hourly its entire life here...not a three month old.)

I've never left my DD to fall asleep by herself. On the best nights she has self settled a couple of times with me sitting beside her and on the worst I have held her for five hours while she has screamed herself to sleep (thanks, colic!) I sincerely hope that I never get to the point at which I need to use CC/CIO, and I will try every gentle method going first, but I recognise that there may be a point in the distant future at which that becomes necessary.

This is a very long and rambly way of saying - don't worry yourself about babies everywhere being left to CIO.

I also couldn't agree more with sillylass' last paragraph. Obviously I haven't been a mother for very long either but I'm already laughing at myself for the things I worried about when DD was 1 week, 1 month, 2 months, etc...

Mine never slept through until they were 3. For me sleep training (and all I did was asking DH to try settling them) was hell so I could never go through with it until they got to the age where you could sit down and chat with them about it first so they knew what was coming.

Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with. One day you will get 8 hours sleep again.

I did ssh/pat, gradual retreat (I think its called) and rapid return. This gentler approach worked but at around 6 months.

I agree that it seems to be the accepted way of getting a baby to sleep and it seems like a horrible way of doing it. I have been told by several people including my mum and the hv to leave him to cry but my DS has finally slept through this week with no crying or upset at 14 months.

Definately look at reflux symptoms, he will probably be overtired if its taking hours to settle.

I would say ditch the bath for now, my DS was very quick to be overtired and over stimulated at that age(and still is, bath time is in the morning here) I ended up doing a very short bedtime routine eventually to stop the overtiredness creeping in.

Is he swaddled? I would just try everything, white noise, classical music, no noise, darker, rocking, patting, rubbing back etc something will work! And as someone else said, it will all change just when you think you have cracked it, just go with the flow as much as possible.