Anyone else with an insomniac dh? Feeling resentful

[DIYandEatCake]

Dp has suffered with insomnia for a while. We have a 3yo dd and a 3mo ds, I cosleep with ds in the spare room so that dp isn't disturbed in the night. I'm just feeling a touch resentful at the moment as I am exhausted - both children have had various illnesses, so days have been hard, ds wakes every couple of hours and dd sometimes wakes in the night too (needing a wee/having wet the bed), I get up early every day as at least one if the children will be awake from 6am. But dp feels that, despite having a complete break from the kids overnight, sleeping in the comfiest bed and never having to get the kids up in the morning, he is much more tired than me because he doesn't sleep well. I have asked for a lie-in occasionally at the weekend - suggested we have one each every weekend - but he says he is too tired and needs his lie in. So I'm up early sat and sun alone with the kids til he surfaces at 9/10am - still complaining he didn't get 'good enough quality sleep'. I honestly don't know who sleeps more, and I do have some sympathy in my less exhausted moments as I know insomnia is horrible. I am happy to do all the night care as dp works, I could just use a break too sometimes. But I can't help feeling resentful which I know isn't a good thing. Anyone else been in the same position and have any tips? (I should point out before anyone says ltb that I love him to bits, he is a lovely father to the dc otherwise and we get on great when not resenting each other's sleep.... It's just the sleep issues...!)

Not been in your situation but wanted to reply.

I'm not surprised you feel resentful. You are also working - looking after your children - and your work has much longer hours than your dp, so if he is getting the chance for a lie-in sometimes then so should you.

Is he doing everything he can to help his sleep pattern (good routine, limit caffiene/alcohol etc)? If so, then I'd feel sympathetic towards him (although what I said above still stands). If he's guzzling coffee and staying up late playing computer games or something then I definitely wouldn't be sympathetic to his lack of sleep!

well if he's an insomniac.. surely he's the perfect person to do night time wakings.. or am I missing something?

There's no way I would be putting up with him lying in though if I was never allowed that's for sure.

Insomnia is crippling, torturous and horrible. He needs to go to the GP and make an attempt to get it sorted out. They coukd rule in/ out things likeDoes he feel unsafe to be left in charge of the kids?

I feel for you, too. Do you have any family who could take the kids in the day while you have a nap?

Things like sleep apnoea I meant to say
..

Sometimes I think you just need to tell him exactly how you feel. I eventually did that with my hubby and he has been great, I don't think he had realised just how bad I felt.

I sympathise with you both as I have had sleep issues in the past. Mine usually stem from worry so it might be good to ask if something is bothering him. My hubby struggles to sleep alone, even if he is asleep he comes out of the restive state long enough to make him tired while his brain figures out why I'm not there. A third possibility is that he might be listening for your kids, I know my dad could tell my breathing rate from the next room when I was tiny. If they are up and down overnight he will be too.

None of that changes that you need a break and he needs to help out for a hour even if its just that.

He needs to work out what the problem is here

Neither of you gets enough sleep. There are two opportunities for a lie in. You get one each. If he can't see the fairness and the logic in that then he's being a selfish idiot.

Did the insomnia start after having the children?

I would turf him out of the best bed for starters.

Neither of you are getting decent enough sleep so I don't understand why he gets to play top trumps. He is taking the piss and you are right to feel resentful.

Whilst I am not saying the OP is unjustified: far fRom it - it must be horrible for her.

But to give the husband the benefit of the doubt, he may have very, very poor sleep, be extremely atressed at the prospect of night-time disturbances, not be able to fall to sleep again after, hate getting up in the morning because it represents another 'failed' night etc. It can be a really, really serious MH issue that needs professional help.

OP, can you take your littlest into your comfy bed, put older DD and husband in a room together and try that? He deals with one night-waking, you deal with the baby?

And pls take any outside help offered.

Oh, am sorry - just saw you already co-sleep with your baby

I went to a sleep clinic and the hv said one of the key recommendations for adult insomnia (and bad sleeping babies!) was getting up at the same time every day and not differentiating between week days and weekends. Might be worth a bit more research or giving it a go?

Thanks, I feel better just for venting here, there aren't many people I feel I want to talk about it with in real life. He has tried lots of things to help, exercise, meditation, yoga, going to bed earlier... He has talked to the gp about it. I think it comes from stress and it's like a vicious circle because he stresses about not being able to sleep and that stops him sleeping! I will talk to him again about getting the occasional lie-in, perhaps I'll ask for one as my Mother's Day present this year