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Help - really messing up this controlled crying thing...

13 replies

celandine · 03/03/2004 15:56

Am i really messing my baby up? DS is 7 months and we keep stopping and starting controlled crying. For the past month he's been waking at night and really early on his lunchtime naps. We started to do controlled crying and it worked for a couple of nights when he went back to sleep after 20 mins or so. Then the next few nights he just kept crying for ages - up to 2 hours - so each time we ended up picking him up and settling him because we really thought there might be something wrong. There never was - he was always fine once we picked him up, no dirty nappy etc, just wanted a cuddle. Then he developed a cold so we stopped doing cc for a bit and when he woke we brought him into our room and he settled easily.

Now, his cold has gone but he's still waking and we've tried cc a few more times but he just won't settle by himself. After an hour or so we give up cos we're worried there might something really wrong, despite swearing blind at the start that we'll 'see it through' this time. I suspect he might be teething although I've been saying that for weeks, and he's perfectly content during the day, and putting bonjela on his guns doesn't help. I guess I've basically taught him that he can cry and cry and eventually he'll be picked up so I feel I've really messed it all up and it's not fair on him at all cos ultimately I've let him cry for no reason.

I've ended in tears myself myself today cos I let him cry for ages when he woke early into his nap, and then ended up picking him up. When I went in for the last time he'd bent himself into a funny corner and so I had to pick him up. It was also getting near afternoon bottle time so I thought maybe he was hungry.

Really, what the hell am I doing to my baby...? Confusing for him or what! I really feel like I've messed the whole thing up cos of my inconsistency and am letting him cry for no reason. But how can I do it when he just cries and cries and I panic there's really something wrong and I'm being a terrible mother by ignoring him?

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aloha · 03/03/2004 16:18

I couldn't bear hours and hours of crying either so I don't think you are a bad mum at all. Any idea why he suddenly started waking? What time does he go to bed and wake up? Do you feed him in the night? How often does he wake?

Beetroot · 03/03/2004 16:26

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celandine · 03/03/2004 16:27

He's not been fed in the night since he was 5 months old. He finally started sleeping through 7-7 at 5 1/2 months and this lasted for about 3 weeks (a wonderful 3 weeks!) Since then he's woken at least once a night, for no reason that I can figure out. Definitely not hungry.

He usually goes to sleep himself beautifully, with no props, and I spent ages teaching him to do this when he was a very young baby.

Bedtime is 7pm, wake at 7am. Naptimes are 9.30am -10am and 1pm - ??? (however long we can get him to go for)

During the night he tends to wake about twice and there's no pattern to the times. For the past few nights he's woken around 10pm and we've been bringing him into bed with us cos he just won't settle back himself.

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aloha · 03/03/2004 16:27

My ds didn't sleep through until 8months, with a nudge with cc. He wasn't ready before. But don't do it if you are still feeding in the night, that's my advice.

aloha · 03/03/2004 16:28

Sorry, cross posted. It's hard, isn't it?

secur · 03/03/2004 16:28

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celandine · 03/03/2004 16:34

Beetroot - you're so right about only doing it if we're 100% committed. That's what makes me feel so bad - the fact that I'm letting him cry for an hour and then still picking him up so it's a wasted, futile lesson.

However, we really ARE 100% committed, but after he's cried for soooo long, my commitment just flies out the window in place of fear that he might actually be in pain/have wind/dirty nappy/bad dream etc...
I know what you mean though, and I really do think that next time we do it we'll have to stick to it until he falls asleep.

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mummytojames · 03/03/2004 16:39

i have to agree with beetroot about waiting a month or so and after that if you cant bare the crying try cc withdraw were you sit next to his cot and hold his hand then the next night move a bit further away and so on and so on until your out of the room but where you can still see him also make a tape of your voice either reasureing him or singing a lullaby some babys relax easier at the sound of there mothers voice so when he wakesin the night then instead of putting the light on just keep the tape near the door and put the tape on then go back to bed
also imo i never put a time on how long a day time nap should be as mine could sleep 5 hours one day in 2 naps and another day he might only have 2 hours in 2 naps so i wouldnt worry to much about that
also please be reasured sometime (me most of the time)feel like were being terrible mothers when were only trying to do the best for our children so your not being a terrible mother this post shows realy how much you care for you baby and that makes you a great mother

celandine · 03/03/2004 16:40

secur and aloha - thanks, both your replies hsve reassured me. I shall take the pressure off for a while and just let it be, then tackle it again in a few weeks time, if need be

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celandine · 03/03/2004 16:45

mummytojames, thanks for advice. I actually already seem to spend half the night sat next to his cot stroking and shushing him. At night we go to him at regular intervals to try to calm him but he won't unless he is picked up. I would try Tracey Hogg's pick-up-put-down but he's a hefty 25lb so I don't really relish the thought

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Evita · 03/03/2004 17:02

I was going to suggest Tracy Hogg's method which is much less harsh. Please don't feel like a crap mom, like others have said here we all feel like that but we are generally doing the best we can and often learning it all as we go along! I couldn't do cc with dd at that age. I just used to help her to sleep when she woke up. Fortunately for us it wasn't that often unless she was ill or something was bugging her. It could be worth trying to get him interested in a soft toy around now as maybe there's some separation issues going on. And just do cc whenever you feel ready and you think he's mature enough. It does get easier to to when they're a bit bigger.

secur · 04/03/2004 09:30

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aloha · 04/03/2004 09:42

BTW, separation anxiety does often kick in around now - babies suddenly become more aware that you aren't there. But the thing I was going to suggest is to make sure he's really warm - keeping my ds warm - two tops, pj trousers, socks, grobag plus light blanket and the heating timed to go on at 5am, really does help him sleep longer. It's been pretty cold this last month and I wondered if that might be contributing. Socks made a huge difference to my ds's sleep recently - it's very hard to sleep with cold feet.
There are other methods of sleep training to try when you feel you and he are ready. The NCT has a Book of Sleep which suggests different ones that don't involve much -if any- crying. But if you wrap him up warm and leave it for a few weeks you may find he improves all by himself. The thing I've learned is that children's sleep goes through lots of phases. My ds was a nightmare until 8months - he didn't just wake frequently - he spent hours and hours awake during the night as well - so he might actually only sleep three or four hours a night in two consecutive bursts with three or four hours awake in between. Killer. But last night at 2.5, he was in bed roughly 8.15pm until 8am and slept THREE hours in the afternoon. If you asked me at 7months if this was possible I would have laughed (weakly and bitterly) in your face.

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