My Dd (7) doesn't know 'how' to go to sleep!! (she says...)

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Obviously she has been going to sleep everyday for 7 years, but she gets herself in to such a state at bedtimes because she says she doesn't know what to 'do' to get to sleep. We've always had lots of trouble at bedtimes even as a baby and she is fantastic at every delaying tactic going, plus some!
We have a good regular routine every night, including a decent story time and cuddles. But then at the point of saying goodnight she starts fretting. For a few months she was telling me that she had bad tummy ache at bedtime, leading to all sorts of health worries on my part, but finally amid lots of sobs one night she admitted she was making it up because she didn't want me to go downstairs and leave her. I praised her for being brave enough to tell me, but it still leaves us with a problem that she'll make up anything to get me to stay. Over the years we've tried all of the following: staying quietly near her until she was asleep, regular checks to reassure her, story cd's, night lights, leaving her to cry-it-out (I hated that one), relaxation exercises and a relaxing cd, foot massages, music, etc.
She says that she's 'bored' at bedtime, that she has nothing to do, that she doesn't know how to get to sleep, etc, and mainly that she doesn't want me to go downstairs. She cries a lot, and makes up small ailments to get attention and sympathy. I've tried a kind but firm 'goodnight' and left her, but she cries and wails until Dh or I go up. We have an almost 4 yr old ds too, and her noise keeps him awake as well.
It's driving me a bit mad, and makes the evening very fraught. I always end up frustrated and cross, then feel bad about being cross.

Any advice, ideas or empathy please! Morale is at an all time low here.

I have real difficulty getting to sleep. For me it is unrelated to tiredness, I just can't switch off.
Dd is the same. As a baby she barely slept (1 hour during the day then awake every 3 hours through the night. It was horrible.

What sometimes helps me is trying to remember absolutely everything that has happened that day, but backwards, ie start with getting changed for bed and work through til breakfast. If you get to brrakfast you are not putting enough detail into your 'backwards story'.

Hazy your parents sound fab.

If she has an early bedtime, maybe she isn't actually tired? How is she at getting up in the morning?

My DC listen to audiobooks as they fall asleep. It means they're lying down with their eyes shut, but they're not bored or lonely.

They are Opal, Dad especially has the patience of a saint. Probably helped that he is an intermittent insomniac so understands the frustration.

OP just re read your first post and please don't feel bad about getting cross, you're human after all and it's frustrating when you can't help your dc and your evenings are a struggle. hope some of the ideas on here work for you.

My YD used to struggle with this but seems to be over it now.
We made her a 'sleep story': basically we made up a story and every night she made up the next installment in her head before going to sleep: the thing is after a couple of days by the time she'd remembered where she'd got to the night before she was already asleep. I have no idea if she still uses the story, so I'll check with her tonight.
I suppose it's the same principle as Hazy's mental exercises. It worked for us.

Its way more common at this age than you might think. I have one the same age who doesn't want to be left alone to go to sleep/says he cant fall asleep.
Here's what helps:
A night light/leaving the bedroom door open and the hall light on. I "potter" about after ds has gone to bed, putting away laundry etc, because he likes hearing me-it's comforting.
7 is the classic age where children start worrying about things-from school to what happens after you die, and becoming scared of the dark/ghosts is very very common.
What else? The "relaxing every part of your body in turn" exercise is a good one (as someone mentioned upthread), and also tell her to be still-just concentrate on being still, and tossing and turning is the worst thing to do (and yes, eyes closed).
If that doesn't work, there is something I read in a sleep book (for my own insommnia) which is great:
As you are lying in bed, make a continuous circle on your palm with the thumb of your other hand (like round and round the garden). You MUST keep your eyes closed, and you must keep every other part of your body still.
You MUST NOT stop making this (very small) movement with your thumb. However sleepy you get, you must keep going.
This works because you are focusing all your attention on one very small, physical movement, rather than thinking about anything else.
A similar exercise is imaging than you are moving tiny pebbles from a pile onto another pile (and actually make the movement with your fingers). This is a nice one, because you can imagine the colours and shapes of the pebbles too, which is a totally benign thing to think about.
I know how stressful this feels now, but try not to make a big thing of it, so she fears sleep. Tell her she doesn't have to sleep, just lie with her eyes closed and rest. Take the pressure off.
Good luck!

But God, yes, don't feel guilty-I have been known to shout "will you just bloody well go to sleep FGS!"

My 7 year old will sometimes still be awake close to 9pm. She's usually pretty good about just staying in her room with the occasional shout of, "I'm bored!" or "I can't sleep!" coming from her. The I can't sleep is usually when she's overtired, ironically. So lots of sympathy here, especially as it's never been an easy ride for you!

We let her read some evenings in bed. She shares the room with her younger brother, so we needed a light that wasn't too bright but enough to read by. I can recommend these lights as a good level of light, but not enough to light up the whole room.

For the relaxation, I would also encourage getting her to tense up the muscles in that part of the body, then let it relax. It works a lot better, speaking for myself.

For the picking, which my younger one sometimes does, I usually put a plaster over the scab, which is enough to discourage him when he's tired. You might try that with her as well. Just put it on at bedtime and take it off in the morning.

Good luck with it!

This is interesting. My almost 5yr old does night on, night off. One night straight to sleep, the next night hysterical tantrums by the stairgate for cuddles etc. Exasperated.
Someone up thread mentioned fiddly toys? Do you have any ideas for these? I think it would work for him as he lies in bed picking his nails, the paint off the walls,....

I think for fiddling, something like these segmented snake toys might work for some. www.amazon.co.uk/Plastic-Jointed-Snake-x4-37cm/dp/B0043LZ64W/ref=pd_sim_sbs_k_h_b_cs_1

Ladies, you are all so lovely and supportive. It really helps to hear that it's not just her/me having problems. And lots of you speak so positively about your parents giving you little tricks and exercises, which worked for you. As a teen and twenty I often had trouble falling asleep - over active mind, - now I am a knackered Mum it's not an issue!!

I have tried lavender oil, both in bath and as a foot massage, she likes it and it does make the upstairs smell nice. If used everyday though the magic seems to wear off so we use it sometimes.

I try to potter around a little in my room and up and down the stairs so she can hear me being busy. Eventually I need to cook dinner before I chew my own arm off, and then she might start calling for me, which makes me grumpy having to nip up and down when I need it to be 'me and DH time'.

Pixiegumboot, I made my Dd a fiddle bracelet out of three different coloured bits of elatic, plaited, with a few buttons added in to the plait, then tied in to a bracelet. It's not a thing of beauty, but it did begin to break the cycle of scab picking when it was at it's worst. She would pull and ping at the buttons and...fiddle with it.

Ifnotnowthenwhen, I like the idea of making tiny movements and having to focus on these and keep going. Similar idea to a few other posters and it makes sense to help the brain have one small thing to wind down to.

Cornflakegirl, I think she is tired as she often needs waking in the morning, and also her nights are rarely uninterrupted ( needs a wee, has had a bad dream, doesn't like the look of a shadow, heard a noise, had a night terror, wanted a cuddle, needs a drink.....) I did at one point try a later bedtime where she could read/colour in her bedroom. But it seemed to fade away without much protesting from her - I think she wants to go to sleep, it's the actually letting mummy go, then going to sleep bit that's hard.

LOtree, She's had normal rescue remedy as a placebo 'this medicine will help you feel calmer and happier in the day' - and it did! But I haven't seen a special night time one...down to Boots tomorrow, thanks for the tip.

Thank you all so much.