Starting to think if it ain't (totally) broke don't fix it... Should I just live with DD's bad sleep?

[emeraldgirl1]

When I read this board I start to wonder if DD's sleep isn't as terrible as everyone keeps saying to me in RL.

Of course in RL virtually everyone I know has babies who sleep fine.

DD is 9 months. Her pattern changes, either she wakes v v briefly 4 times a night, not including a longer wake for a feed OR she wakes twice, once for a feed when she then takes 1.5ish hours to go back to sleep and then again briefly at around 4 or 5.

A bad night (and there have been many) is her waking me 5 or 6 times even if she only truly wakes twice herself, then waking for good at 5am and not going back to sleep no matter what I do.

A good night is her waking only twice, once just for a feed then straight back to sleep, then again briefly at 4.30ish. Needless to say there have not been many of these nights.

However these days, since she was about 7m old, I am coping with the chronic sleep deprivation by taking her back into bed with me at some point every night, either during one of her multiple brief wake-ups (to stop her waking properly) or when I first hear her stir at around 4am, to try to stave off early waking.

So I cobble together a manageable night of sleep most of the time. A bad night is a maximum of two hours unbroken sleep for me, totalling 5ish hours altogether. An average night sees me getting maybe one period of 4 hours and then a couple of 2 hour or 90min stints, totalling 7ish hours.

The positives are that she goes to sleep v easily at the same time each evening, she naps well and she will go to sleep in her cot as long as I am nearby, sometimes she can even drop off with me just sitting beside her with no physical contact (not often but sometimes)

I am constantly being told that I am coping with a nightmare scenario and that I must start some form of sleep training, even just something like NCSS (which I have bought but can't really make much sense of!!)

I was even thinking recently about hiring a sleep trainer (one who does not advocate any CC)

BUT I am really wondering now if actually this is not too dire a situation. For example the positives I listed above. That's something to hang onto, right?

I can't help but think that things may get better as teething gradually draws to an end (she is a horrific teether)

She s a dummy addict and that is part of the problem but I am having a bit of success weaning her off it.

So does anyone agree, if it ain't totally broke don't fix it?

DD is a pretty high-needs, strong willed, resistant baby and I worry that any form of sleep training may just make a manageable situation worse...?

Always, always ignore the RL people! I don't know where all these great sleeping babies live because I don't know anyone whose babies are reliably sleeping well. Do the RL people have babies the same age or are they past the baby days? I always take comments from parents with older children with a huge pinch of salt because i think people genuinely forget the most difficult bits of the first few years! I always got the impression from my mum that I was a really easy baby but a family friend said I cried all the time for the first 6 months!
I agree with Elizabeh Pantley that there is only a sleep problem if it's a problem for you, baby and the family. If it works for you just run with it. When we hit the 4 month sleep regression I was really struggling so I did make some changes to help ds sleep better as I really don't cope well with lack of sleep and felt it was affecting my parenting in the day. But once we reached a level of wake ups I can cope with I left it at that as I don't expect him to sleep through until he is much older (he's 7.5months now)
If co-sleeping works I would go for it, I actually really wanted to co-sleep but it just doesn't seem to work for us, he's wakes so much more often when I'm there and my legs were cramping because I was lying so rigidly! But it sounds lovely when it does work out :)
Good luck!

Thanks LittleBag!
I think really what I need to do (and this thread has helped) is to stop feeling that these cobbled-together nights that always end in co-sleeping are anything to be embarrassed about. I think people are so used to controlling their lives that they are ashamed to admit they can't control a baby's sleep? Because you're right, surely if babies all slept reliably through all the time there would be no need for sleep training?!

I am tired, yes, I would looooooove an unbroken night, yes. But I am not dead on my feet. I am not ill with tiredness. I am not depressed.

I don't mind giving up nights out for a while longer either. Happy to o to bed early with my iPad :)

emerald I did get incredibly embarrassed about cosleeping but now I see it as a short period of our lives - ds was similar to your dd but he can't sleep without boob etc and has never done a full night.

for me it was consistency for BOTH of us - I go back to sleep if I've not left my bed and he doesn't wake fully. then although ill nights are worse (which they'd be anyway) again there's no difference so no worrying about are they well enough to go back to cot etc.

you could argue that cosleeping is a sort of sleep training - at 13 mo ds copies everything we do; he also copies me going to sleep - well sort of, I don't fling myself down and then crawl back to boob and repeat till passing out but he's getting the idea

I do use a bedside cot though to get a little space when I can!

I heard - I agree I think cots should be banned!!

tbh cots are a relatively recent thing and most of the world can't work out why we insist on sleeping apart from our babies. human babies are born very physically underdeveloped apart from our senses in order to facilitate our huge brains. anthropologically speaking we are supposed to sleep with our babies.

there's very little you can train a baby to do till they're older imo and infant sleep can change a lot till the age of 5 - don't be fooled by rl people who have 'good sleepers' - plenty of time for it to go tits up yet! plus I really think it's in the genes as so many people say one was a great sleeper, tother wasn't.

a wise old lady told me when I had ds - let him sleep on your head as long as he's sleeping don't worry about it! (mind you I didn't listen to her till he was 9 mo!)

Elvis slept with his mum till he was 14

Emerald read 3 in a bed by Deborah Jackson if you want a book that will make you feel better about it! Talks about the benefits of co-sleeping, looks at current research and some really interesting anthropological stuff.

I still feel tired as I am not getting a full nights sleep but since we started I am spending more quality time in the evening with my husband as I no longer feel I have to rush to bed before 9. I also get some lie ins as occasionally the little guy doesn't wake up until late when he is in with me so all in all I am a convert.

Sounds pretty similar to what dd was like. You can imagine my shock after having a ds who slept through from 6months and still is a fantastic sleeper at 6 yo.

When she was about a year old I gave up and started co-sleeping with her as I ended up bringing her into bed with me anyway. Better nights sleep all round. Meant if she woke up, I was instantly able to comfort her back to sleep. Now at 14 months she might only wake up once or twice but it takes literally a minute or two to soothe her back to sleep. Looking back I wonder how I survived on such little sleep.

Was talking to a friend the other day who I assumed had a great sleeper as she had her dd in a proper bed really early, she admitted to me her partner co-sleeps with her dd who is 3. Made me feel better and realise other people struggle too.

What time do you put her to bed?

I would put her to bed at the time you want to go to bed, therefore maximising your own sleep.

An evening with you awake and her sleeping is a wasted opportunity if you are tired imo.

I second reading 3 in a bed (though there's quite a bit on bf - not sure if you are? but please don't let it put you off if you do read it and aren't bf.) made me feel looooaaads better.

yes actually even the daily mail had a thing the other day about research on bed times for toddlers as in we sometimes aim for too early

Starlight... She goes to bed at 7... I don't think I could keep her awake a minute longer, she is EXHAUSTED by 6, and that's on the basisof two good naps a day (mind you she might be less tired if she didn't wake up so bloody early... It's obv a chicken and egg thing!!)

Thing is I need to work in the evenings (self employed freelancer) so I don't think it's really doable to have her awake longer.

Also I have read countless times on here about earlier bedtimes being GOOD for preventing early wake ups, some theory about them getting overtired if they stay up later and thus sleep less well?

In all honesty also DD is an incredibly high maintenance baby, the absolute light of my life but NEVER chilled out, easily bored etc, Christ only knows how I'd entertain her till 9pm ish if that's when I was going to bed... :)

Itsaruddygame, thanks v much, will read the book!!

So relieved to hear I'm not the only soppy weak-willed one (if you listen to my friends) hauling DD into bed halfway thru the night :)