Bad Bad Mama - is it wrong to want an hour in the evening?

[BernieBear]

I have a ds (2.5) who has never ever slept well. I am actually looking up at my bookshelf now and can see at least 5 books i.e. Dr Ferber, No cry sleep solution, etc. I am also a single mum. I have tried everything, really everything....apart from just leaving him to it. Control crying worked in five days but then we had to move a couple of times which upset the status quo and now he seems immune to it. I have been doing the sitting in his room and moving closer to the door thing, then he came down with chicken pox which ended that temporarily, or so I thought . Anyway, as you can imagine, I have had no life for the last 2.5 years, I am up with him from anything like 30 mins to 5 hours and I have had enough. Tonight, I had to pop down stairs to get something out the oven and he tantrumed (yet again at me leaving the room - I have a stair gate!) and chucked his milk all down the stairs, up the walls etc.along with numerous other toys So I put the stair gate across his room and left him to it. He is now looking serene after puting himself to bed and covering himself with his sheet after screaming and trashing his room for an hour. Am I bad, is this wrong? I feel awful, really guilty but if this is the only way...............What are other peoples thoughts? Can this cause psycological (sp) damage, will he hate me? God it was awful, but I will continue if it works and he goes to bed without the tantrums. Comments, advice sleepily accepted!

I would keep the stairgate on his door permanently and put him to bed at the same time every night, securing the stairgate. Maybe the rapid return would work if he starts trashing his toys? As soon as he gets out of bed, pick him up and return him straight to bed with no interaction, as many times as it takes.

Don't let him take milk into his room, have a winding down period before bed and give a five minute warning of bedtime.

I really feel for you, I couldn't cope without a good night's sleep. You are not a bad mum btw, and of course you deserve a break in the evenings!

You're entitled to your evenings. Children should be in bed at a reasonable hour. In not for all of this running around at all hours. Sure you need that time - important to be able to relax before going to bed and recharge for the next day.
Think Queeneagles tips make good sense. You are not a bad mother for leaving to it and after he gets through this phase - hopefully in the next few nights - he'll have forgotten it ever happened. Sure he receives plenty of love during the day.

Have thought a bit more.

As he is so young do the same thing every night so he knows exactly what will happen and in what order.

After dinner, let him have a play then encourage him to help ypu clear all the toys away. Then let him help ypu run the bath, put the bubbles in etc. Have fun with empty bottles and sieves in the bath. Then after pj's are on let him choose a story, sit quietly together with no tv. Have milky drink at same time. Then give warning that it's bed in 5 minutes, collect up comforter (if any) and firmly but calmly take him up to bed and tuck him in.

Do this every night, make it fun but not too stimulating. Keep same besdtime every night, d it all in the same order.

He will very soon get the message, he will protest but if you stick to it, it will come together and eventually getting him up to bed (and staying in bed) will be much easier.

Thank you so much for your replies. I pulled out the Toddler Taming book this morning (at 6am when the heavy weight of guilt woke me up!) and have decided to do the controlled crying again (I last tried six months ago, but we moved again (!) and now he has own lovely bedroom)using the stairgate and starting at 5mins. I will warn neighbours this afternoon too as that is what makes me worse, especially as we have only been here for four months, I don't want them to think I am hurting him (i.e. bloodcurdling screams, BANGS as toys thrown etc).
QueenEagle, quick question you mentioned in your routine that you do the winding down, reading etc outside of the bedroom. I have done the same routine for the last seven months i.e. 5 min warning, bath, cream (he had severe excema for first year so a massage is routine now!!) then three stories, light out (dim nightlight on) quiet chat about the day then good night. I was wondering if I should do all this away from his bedroom, then put him to bed????

I did read on another thread (2 year old not staying in bed) that one lady there just left her ds to it, and after 2 or 3 nights he was sleeping again. Oh what to do what to do, control crying vs short sharp shock. Hmmmmmmmm.

Also, wanted to ask, what is the Rapid Return?

Bernie, rapid return = as soon as child gets out of bed, you return them immediately, say "time for bed, night night" or something similar, no other interation, no additional lights if you can, keep it all low key and keep repeating this as many times per night as it takes until they tire of getting out of bed.

On the House of Tiny Tearaways the record in 5 hours for this method was 298 times!!! But she was v extreme this particular little girl! It took me 20 times on the first 2 nights.

As for your routine, stick with it. I would say your ds is trying it on and you need to carry on. Really tough, I know but if you are doing everything you can then it's just a case of when rather than will he sleep imo.

Just a quick update after your great responses, did controlled crying tonight and it took 25 minutes and two visits to settle him. Don't know what to do with myself, incredible. Hard going whilst it was happening, but on the second visit he had a cuddle then when I asked got back into bed ready to be snugged up (with lightweight sheet) and understood. Amazing. Am getting jobs done now so I can spend more time playing tomorrow. You never know, in a few days I might actually get to put my feet up and watch tv, what is happening in Eastenders lately (haven't seen it for 6 months). Evening classes.....ohhhhhhh I don't know myself.

Thanks again for your support and responses, don't feel quite so evil now.

All the best to you

xxxx

Really pleased to hear it went so well for you! Sometime I think that the little ones just sense that we mean business - maybe they can detect that quiet note of determination in our voice or something!

Fingers crossed that it carries on!

BB,glad to hear it went well.
Brill advice from QE.
I am mostly alone with two children (one a little younger than yours) and a strict no messing bedtime of 7:00 pm is the only thing that keeps me sane.

You need it!

Well done Bernie! If you can crack this you're half way to feeling normal again. It's so important to both you and DS that you have time to yourself to relax and unwind. He'll have better quality time from a rested and less stressed out Mum.
Keep it up!

Oh thank you. Last night it took 3 comfort visits and 30 mins, but still an improvement. He is with his father this weekend so will get a days break, ready for continuation of bedtime when he returns.

I can't wait until I get organised enough to eat dinner before 9pm!

Bernie - Don't know whether you're on speaking terms with your ex, but it might be a good idea to chat about what his routine is and ask that your ex try and stick to that, otherwise all your good work may be undone evertime he's away for the weekend.