What do you do when your baby still won't sleep?

[StuntNun]

I kept telling myself it would get better. My first two DSs weren't great sleepers so I thought I knew how bad it could be. But at a year old DS3 still doesn't sleep well. I kept telling myself: it'll be better at 3 months, 4 months, 6 months, once the sleep regression has passed, once the tooth is through, when he starts walking. And still night after night I'm up with him two times, five times, hours on end, three breastfeeds in a night. I never know what to expect. I go to bed not knowing whether I will be woken in ten minutes or whether it will be one of those rare nights where he only wakes once and will go back to sleep again after a feed. A year without proper sleep and I feel broken. My DH complains that I'm tired all the time. I only marvel that I can function at all, albeit poorly. I love my baby so much but I can't look after him when I'm too tired to wake when he cries and I can't stay awake to feed him. Then I'm too tired to take him back to his cot. Now the baby is asleep, DH is asleep, and I'm lying awake crying because I can't face one more night of no sleep. An endless series of broken nights. That's what my life has become.

Did not want to read and run. Wanted to give you my sympathy.
Is there any chance you DH could get up to your son?
He is old enough to not need food, so it is comfort he wants. Perhaps simply a bad habit? Would your DH be prepared to take a night to do all the get ups and try and settle your ds without waking you?

Could you perhaps have one night away from the house? You need to catch up on your energy reserves. I really feel for you as I had one exactly the same. She made me an a insomniac - I woke up inhe night long after she slept through!!!

How old is he?

Could your husband help by giving him some water when he wakes? Could you camp out next to the cot on a makeshift bed? I used to do that with dd when she wouldn't let me leave her room and I was exhausted.

After all my complaining he slept for five hours. Two or three months ago I would have killed for five hours sleep in one block. DS3 turned one this month and I think it's the psychological effect of reaching a year of disturbed sleep. I remember after 100 days I was struggling, after 200 I felt that my life was revolving around trying to get more sleep. A year without respite seems unbelievably bad. My DH may actually be making it worse. He drinks most evenings so we have never been able to co sleep safely with DS3. I wanted to set up a spare bed for one of us to use: either for DH to sleep on sometimes so I could cosleep with DS3 or for me to use so that I could get the occasional night's sleep while DH looked after DS3. But DH wouldn't let me, he reckoned we didn't have space for another bed. I have slept on the floor with DS3 in my bed and I have tried taking the cot mattress out for DS3 and I to sleep on but he's too active in his sleep so it doesn't really work well.

DH favours cry it out and is quite happy to leave DS3 screaming in his cot until he tires himself out and falls asleep. But I don't think it's appropriate to leave a hysterical child to scream himself to sleep. Controlled crying was working well for a while but then he started to get more and more upset.

I just feel that I have reached the point where I can't go on like this any more. I can't manage the housework, my other children aren't getting the attention they need, I'm tired and bad tempered all the time. There's no respite, I have no family willing or able to help out and give me a break. In the middle of the night I think my only option would be to give him up for adoption. Then in the morning that seems silly but then again in the evening I'm dreading the night and what it will bring.

he's old enough to give night weaning a go to see out it helps. Have a look on kellymom.com, there is some helpful information on how to doo it genentaly.

I think you also need a good talk to your DH, as he's not helping. if Cc isn't working then you need other options. him having a drink needn't stop you cosleeping, as longas he's not the one sleeping next to baby. You should never have them in the middle of the bed anyway, so a side car cot arrangement could work quit well for you.

I've been there only with my first so somehow manned to cope, but as DH was useless at getting up at night we had a cosleeper second time. As it would have been impossible too have to do the being up at night thing so much and still function with looking after a toddler to.

Gosh that's hard, you are clearly doing amazingly - but at a big cost to you.

Even at 8 months and with a single DS I found it incredibly demoralising when people would say things like 'bet you're getting some proper sleep now!', or when they'd assume that his 10 nightly awakenings were down to a major parenting fail - I always felt compelled to list the so-called Baby Whisperers we hired, the family who tried and so on. And I dreaded every night.

We have had some slow success with the No Cry Sleep Splution, which at least got the feedigs to a more manageable 2, and with cosleeping.

Do you have family who can give you even one night off? And most importantly, where is your DH?i understand that not all do night wakings (mine doesn't), but frankly the drinking is not on if it is making your life even harder with sleeping. Could he do one night while you go to someone else's place or even a local hotel /B&B, to give you a break and to give him some idea of the challenge? Even if it's an easy night or he finds it easy, that's fine as you can then clearly ask his skilled self to step up with more regular help

Ah,just saw the bit about CIO, maybe you can't leave DH for a night - but can he take over some housework? The cooking? Or can you afford someone else to support you with some of the chores, or to do some babysitting while you sleep?

I agree. Your problem is with dh not ds. Ds will grow out of it. Why hasn't dh?

I'm dreading tonight. I'm hoping a dream feed and pre-emotive Calpol might assure a few hours sleep at least.

Dd was the same. I stuck it out for a year and then one night I had had enough.
I emailed all my friends and said HELP! One of them recommended gradual withdrawal - going into her when she woke, not feeding her and patting her back saying shhh and leaving again. Then going back in after 2 mins, then 4 then 8.....etc
It took only three very long nights til she got the hang of it.
She occasionally wakes but I don't tend to go in if she doesn't cry for more than 20 secs or so and she nearly always falls back to sleep.
I also gave her a good supper - porridge with banana or similar so I knew she wasn't hungry.
Give it a try I'm sure it will help and good luck I know what hell sleep deprivation is

I agree with the last post, I had 2 DC that slept beautifully, DD2 was such a shock! At 10 months I researched all the various methods, we settled on gradual retreat too. We started on a Friday night, DH and I took turns getting up and it worked in 4 nights! She did cry but not a lot, more a shouty cry than heartbroken but we got our life back! Any method will work if you stick with it but it's hard summoning the energy when you're so spent. All the best though x

Oh you poor thing.

drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html - this is a great night weaning method.

Tell DH that you need help and not refusals to do things without other suggestions.

Has he got a drink problem if he's drinking every night?

CC will only give short term solutions. It is favoured by some but it's not my cup of tea.

If I was you (and I appreciate its easy for me to type this as I'm not in your situation) I would tell DH to stop drinking, that he is sleeping on the sofa, that he must read the above link and support your decision to night wean and help with baby and support you more. It's sounds like you're doing it all on your own and that isn't right; breastfeeding or not.

drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

Link

Many thanks for the input and support. DH drinks most nights but sometimes it's only one beer, it's just that a friend lost her baby to SIDS so I was extra paranoid about it this time round and didn't take any chances.

I think it is time to start night weaning and I had been working up to it myself by offering extra breastfeeds during the day and a bottle shortly before bedtime to make sure he isn't hungry at night. DH is away for four nights next week so that might be a good time to try gradual retreat. I suspect DS3 will cry hysterically though, he can't seem to settle at night time although he goes to sleep willingly enough at bedtime.

I know a lot of babies are rubbish sleepers. DS3 had reflux secondary to egg intolerance, reacting to my breastmilk of all things. Since I cut out eggs in the summer his reflux has resolved and his sleep has improved from hourly wakings to 1-5 wakings each night. So I just need that final push to get him sleeping through, even occasionally, so that my own mental health can start to recover from the prolonged sleep deprivation.

I had really good results with dr jay Gordon. It wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be - like you I'd been building to it. The key was communication - talk to him and repeat the same things like ' no more milky till morning' or similar. I offered a sippy cup of water or goats milk but not boob. I cuddled her and she eventually understood. Her food intake increased dramatically during the day too.

You'll sort it. Remember, this too shall pass