1st night sleep training - feeling weak willed already - please help! (Sorry...quite long)

[joosiewoosie]

Hi

I'm 10 weeks pregnant and have a 13 and a half month old DD who is a delight in the day. However, when nighttime comes, she wakes between 3 and 5 times and needs to be cuddled/rocked to sleep or to snuggle in with us in our bed to sleep. She has never slept through - not once. We've done what we've needed to so far to eke as much sleep as we can!

Her bedtime routine is fab and has been since about 4 months, but I suspect we've made a rod for our own back by nursing her to sleep first then cuddling/rocking, before we put her down in her own cot.

She will often sleep well between 8 and 10.30 , but will wake up crying several times throughout the night. This is exhausting for DH and I, so we have decided to sleep train, in the hope it will be sorted before DC2 is here.

We decided to do a combination of Gradual retreat/pick up put down as our chosen method, as we tried to cry it out at 6 months but I just couldn't/can't do it. We wanted something more reassuring and gentler.

Tonight was nothing like I'd imagined/read/hoped, and I ended up cuddling her to sleep anyway. I feel like a complete failure and bad mum, who has just set up her DD to be fearful of her bed, rather than proved any point to her that she can get to sleep by herself at all. Here's why:

Bath @6.30, Booby @ 6.55, Bed @ 7.05ish.
10 mins of hysterical crying and standing up. DH came up and read some books to her while she continued to stand in her cot (but was listening, looking and giggling at points!).
Then by about 7.30, DH attempted to lay/sit her down, at which point the screaming and crying started again. Continued this hysterical crying so started pickup put down. Calmed well when picked up (after a couple of minutes) but as soon as she's put down, she holds on to our clothes, clings on for dear life and begins screaming all over again.
We did this for an hour and 10 minutes, until at 8.40 I could take no more and didn't put her down when she was awake. I waited until she was asleep and put her down. A quick bum pat and ssshhh and she was settled and asleep.

But I feel complete rubbish and just had an emotional teary session on DH shoulder. I can't believe she got anything positive out of tonight at all, and I'm dreading the night wake ups and every other night. I'm at a loose end and I really don't know what to do for the best. But I'm still booing myself as I type. Please give us your words of wisdom oh MN land xx

Anyone? Am feeling desperate!

I would change one thing at a time and don't snuggle her in your bed. So firstly I would get her used to falling asleep in her bed by being patted, then by just having your hand on her, then sitting next to er, then either gradual retreat or popping in and out on the pretext of doing jobs until she falls asleep. Hopefully she will learn to self settle and then wake up less in the night. Do you feed her in the night if she wakes? My dd got better at self settling when I stopped feeding in the night. Whatever you choose to do the key is being consistent, easier said than done when you are exhausted. Good luck!

hi my DS is same age and EXACTLY as you describe. I'm now at the end of my tether, have started back at work, and I'm just done with the interrupted nights. Also, boob isn't doing what it used to, and now he just wants to sleep on me, cuddle me, and just suckle for hours. Each time I put him down asleep, he'll either wake up again 1.5/2 hrs later, or just wake up the minute I put him down and I'll have to start all over (after I've sat on the floor crying for 5 minutes getting my strength and patience back again...) I don't feel that we made a rod for our own back with feeding to sleep all these months, but now that its not working and that I'm starting to resent it, it needs to change.

I've been putting it off for weeks (months...), but feel that the time is right now and have circled a date for next week once he's a bit more settled into nursery. Am going to start by stopping feeding him between 11pm-6am. I'll cuddle him, sing to him, offer water, whatever, to get him to sleep when he wakes up, but won't offer milk. Am under no illusions that it will be easy, and he will cry, but I won't leave him alone during any of it. Will see how that goes, then after a few nights will not pick him up from his cot, but sit by him, pat him etc until he's asleep. Am buying a cheap single mattress to put on the floor by his cot so I can doze next to him. Am hoping that over time he'll need less and less intervention/comfort from me to get back to sleep and then he'll just not wake (or so Dr Jay Gordon is promising me...)

Like you, I'm really nervous about the crying. He's never been left to cry for more than a few minutes in his whole life so it feels like unchartered territory - what if his head explodes or steam starts coming out of his ears??

I need to tell myself that at this age his crying will be an angry protesting cry, and all he's saying is "where's my milk mummy??" If he could talk, that's what he'd be saying. He's not crying because he's in pain or being abandoned or anything really horrible. He's just angry at the change in routine.

To be honest, I have my reservations about how successful it will be, but unless I try, I won't know. He might surprise me and after a couple of nights crying, he might get bored with just a cuddle and a drink of water and miraculously roll over and go to sleep.

But you're not alone, and after so many months of having a wonderful bedtime and nighttime routine with milk and mummy on demand, your DD will be crying because that's all changing - NOT because you are damaging her.

Stay strong!!

ps try No Cry Sleep Solution. Its less sleep training a programme and more just tips for gentle ways to wean your baby off whatever crutch they associate with sleeping - boob, dummy, rocking etc. lots of good suggestions to try bit by bit. The author is also a very strong advocate of doing what you are comfortable with. Clearly the other night you weren't comfortable leaving your DD crying.

My DS is one month older and was exactly the same. Flipflops I also put it off for months but I knew it had to change, I'd also got to the point where it couldn't get any worse. We were co-sleeping, he'd wake up every hour crying until he got a boob in his mouth and had a very disturbed sleep because he didn't have the room he wanted to stretch out.
Now FF 4 wks, different baby. Wk 1 we concentrated on night weaning and keeping him in his cot by whatever means necessary. Wk 2 we started gradual retreat. Again my DS is never really left to cry so I was dreading it. Night 1 was as expected, he cried solidly for 45 mins with me sitting by his cot. Each night less so. We're still sitting by his cot now (I dont think he's ready) but its a small price to pay sitting for 30 mins whilst he falls asleep himself, he self settles throughout the night and i would say 5 out of 7 nights he's sleeping through until 7am (today was 745). this is not the same child. I used the mumnset thread "what worked for us", I was too tired for Jay Gordon and NCSS had stopped working. The thread I found easy to follow as a plan. Soz i'm making dinner here and rushing, no idea what i'm typing.
All I can say is I wish i'd done it months ago. Good luck xx

SwivelHips - am feeling more motivated last few days and your story helps! A friend of mine has a DS 5 mo older, and she nightweaned when he was same age as DS is now. It took her best part of a month but it was only the first few weeks that were the hardest. Now he sleeps through. Also, the HV the other day at 1yr dev assessment, when I said he still bf, she asked, without missing a beat, "does he wake loads at night?" I almost fell into her arms sobbing! She said, very matter of factly, that I just need to night wean. Sort of made me realise that it is a completely normal thing to do and I can't put it off any longer.

I still feel too exhausted to really think about what lies ahead, and I am worried about having the guts to go through with it. Going to check out that thread you mention as I think real life stories are so useful.

Hope OP doing better....

We did it cold turkey because I'd already done Pantley pull off etc I'd had enough. Maybe it was easier here because I'd already day weaned him off the boob when I when back to work at 10mth. I needed DH to settle him those first few nights as I seemed to upset him more if I cuddled him if anything remotely resembling a bf position.
OP just to say I dont think pick up put down works with every child, not a chance we could do that with DS it would upset him more. Maybe you could try leaving DD in the cot and putting your hands through to settle perhaps. She will cry, but by this age we know whats an upset cry and what's an angry pick me cry whats wrong with you mother cry. OP hope you're okay x

I wouldn't do pupd with a 13 month old tbh. gradual retreat I think is best bet, stay with her with tummy or back stroking, then with just hand on, then by cot, by door, etc. like SwivelHips says basically.

there will be crying but think of it this way: if you do 1 or 2 nights of crying and then cave in, you are a) confusing your child and b) wasting all that time crying... only to have to do it again some other time. grit your teeth, use DH as much as possible. good luck.