Feeling like a failure

[LittleMilla]

Ds2 is 3 weeks old and I'm feeling so crappy. My first son was a bloody nightmare for sleep - 40 min naps for 6 months and numerous night wake ups.

I've been paranoid about getting ds2 in to better habits from day 1 and thought all was going well. A week ago it went to pot and now he's started on the bloody 40 minute sleeps. Is overtired, windy because I'm constantly trying to feed him to sleep as he's overtired. And I'm now feeling utterly useless.

I just feel like I've failed again . Not helped that we're away with in laws (got a toddler to keep entertained) and so I'm hidden away right now crying. DH has taken ds2 out for a bit. But ds1 is going to wake up soon and I'm going to feel too guilty to sleep.

Argh. Help!

Just wanted to answer to say that you really are not a failure !! I can feel your pain and it sounds really hard. I don't have any practical advice I'm afraid, other than to say I think as moms we think the behaviour of our babies/children is everything to do with us and if it doesn't go to plan, its our fault.
I am currently on the train home with our 3.7yr old DS who constantly misbehaved, an after lots of warnings we had to leave an activity with friends as I had threatened to leave if he carried on as he was. I could cry at the moment and I keep thinking how rubbish a parent I must be for it to have come to that. But realistically, I know it was down to him.
I know our problems are different, but please do not beat yourself up about this. Someone else will be along soon to offer some actual advice, I'm sure!
Go easy on yourself and remember all babies are different so this is probably just a short phase xx

You are not a failure. Repeat as many times as needed until it starts to sink in.

The 40 minute thing is just something that some babies do. DS did it for naps and at night until 8 months then one day, it clicked. Put him down at 7:30pm, without fail he'd be up again at 8:10pm needing to be resettled. Go to sleep for nap at 10am, up at 10:40am.

Sleep, for some babies, is just something they need to grow into.

But be kind to yourself. You're doing a great job

Please don't think you're a failure cos your baby has 49 minute naps! I think this is very common until babie reach about 6-7 months old - I certainly found with my DS that it was only at 7mo when e was fully weaned on 3 meals a day and was crawling/rolling around and expending lots of energy, that he started taking longer naps.

Prior to this he never slept longer than 37 minutes during the day. You could set your watch by him! One sleep cycle then up! He used to do this funny routine where he was awake for 2 hours then had a 37 minute nap, repeated throughout the day. It just changed when he got to 7mo, started staying awake longer and is now down to 2 naps per day, first one still only 40 mins, second one 2 hours :-)

Not sure why you think your newborn baby not doing a 2 hour nap is a 'failure'? Have you been reading stupid fucking Gina ford, who implies that all babies should pop into the world taking nice long naps at the same time every day? That certainly wa not my experience of d as a newborn. He is now happily settled in a very traditional 'Gina' style routine at 8mo but he totally got there of his own accord and nothing I did ever affecte the length f his naps. It's a developmental thing and you need to let them get there in their own time. Try to enjoy the flexibility that your little ones cat naps currently give you (I am now stuck in the house for 3 hours every afternoon!).

Sounds like you're doing a fab job. You are not a failure! Xx

Thank you for kind replies. He's put in a longer sleep this afternoon in the sling so feeling a bit calmer.

Just hate feeling that I need to get everything perfect with this one. To the backdrop of everyone saying it's so much easier second time around. It is, but I feel under scrutiny to not fuck things up again re: sleep.

I don't really believe the whole "it's easier second time round" remarks! In some ways maybe, but each baby is different with different temperaments and needs. Do not beat yourself trying to make it all perfect, it will only make you feel miserable whilst trying!!

It's not you! I am currently knackered with DD whom I was sure would sleep better than DS but no! I have my 'I am a failure' moments but I promised myself before DD was born that I would be more accepting of how things went this time.

With DS I tried so hard and he just didn't sleep well and blaming myself made it worse. Once I started saying to myself 'that's just how he is' instead of feeling like it was MY FAULT it felt so much easier, despite the tiredness.

OP - You are not a failure - I relate to how you feel though - am very good at beating myself up when things don't go according to plan. I am 7 weeks in with DC2 and although some things are way easier this time - I feel under pressure to manage DSs 'routine' ( using term very loosely!) for the wellbeing of the rest of the family -like people expect me to be an expert this time - and I get far less support from DH as he is so busy with DC1 - so when DS is overtired and crying I feel like I am ruining DC1 s day...

Having said all that though it is getting much better - weeks 4-6 were harder as DS woke up from post birth snooziness - was sleeping less at night and much harder to get to nap in day. I think all this is developmental - and he is now sleeping much better at night again - I am relying on a sling a lot for daytime sleeps - but feeling much more philosophical that he is changing a lot and a fixed routine is some way off yet. I remember this bit from last time - DC1 had 3 x clockwork 40 min naps a day for ages!

I was lucky - the opposite to you and DC1 was a fab sleeper but with hindsight I think I fretted too much about routine etc and am not really convinced it was down to me !! Am really trying to enjoy these precious early days this time as we won't be doing it all again..

Phew - sorry for big download of my feelings but quite cathartic and you may find some of it reassuring!

Hang in there!

Liveinthepresent - that is reassuring to hear.

DH has just gone out with ds2 for a walk in the sling - we've been trying to get him to sleep and stay asleep since 8pm! It just feels like de ja bloody vu!

I had just hoped that it'd be different this time. I think it's harder because I know what I should/shouldn't be doing, but it's not working.

I can also feel myself losing patience which is never nice.

Just hang in there! Keep re-reading any replies that you find helpful/comforting when things feel really bad. & xxx

You are amazing and strong. It is tough and it's ok to feel that but by no means are you a failure you have two kids that's really tough, you are amazing!