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Sleep

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Original poster

Self settling 18mo ds, or rather not self settling!

17 replies

Biscuitsandtea · 06/08/2013 20:27

Just wondered if anyone had any advice for me. I know it isn't a massive issue but I'm not sure what to do.

Ds2 is 18 mths and, generally speaking, sleeps through the night once he's gone to sleep he naps ok in the day and will fall asleep in the buggy or car easily enough. However, when putting him down for naps or proper bedtime on his cot he cries.

If I stay in the room with him he will lie there completely contented and drop off to sleep. Doesn't need any contact or attention (in fact it's what I'm doing as I type this), just goes to sleep.

Now, I suspect my mother would say I've made it a problem by 'giving in' and sitting in with him because know of course he expects it so if he cries I go back in and sit there. And I can't disagree that I do it because it is the easiest (quietest!) way to get him to sleep.

But just wondered what you'd do to break the cycle? It is quite a recent thing so he used to be able to get himself off to sleep - often he would have a little grumble as I shut the door but he'd still be asleep within say a few minutes and did not do the full on crying that he treats us to now!

Any advice gratefully received!

Many thanks

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Cakebaker35 · 07/08/2013 14:53

I'd try gradual retreat. So each night just gradually sit closer to the door until eventually you're out of the room. If he used to self settle then I'm sure he'll get the hang of it again. Good luck.

Suchanamateur · 07/08/2013 17:50

DD (nearly 18 mo) just started going bananas at bedtime, having been ok before. It's grim so sympathies. I'm blaming the 18 month sleep regression and hoping it gets better.

Gradual retreat sounds like an excellent idea. It's not really possible in our case as DD gets hyper with someone in the room, and I've got to put DS to bed. So it's very loud am screamy in our house at bedtime.

Original poster

Biscuitsandtea · 07/08/2013 19:39

Thanks for your posts

I'm trying this gradual retreat thing at your suggestion - first night tonight. So instead of leaving the room and then him getting upset and me going back in I just stayed in the room tonight. Normally I would go back in and sit in the chair by the side of his cot but today I sat near the door. From the position of his cot though he could clearly see me where I was. Tonight was the first night when he seemed upset at the being put in bed bit which I think is kind of learned behaviour because he's getting upset each night and was expecting me to leave I think. So I popped him in bed and then sat on the floor and he calmed down when he realised I hadn't left. He also dropped off loads quicker tonight than last night - could be that he was more tired or maybe I was slightly more out of the way? Prob only took 15 mins whereas last night was a good hour.

So gradually I'll edge out of the door night by night I think. Wish me luck.....

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Original poster

Biscuitsandtea · 07/08/2013 19:45

suchanamateur that sounds like a nightmare if they find someone in the room all distracting :(

I had no idea that there was an 18mth sleep regression, although I can remember ds1's naps going to pot at that age and panicking that he was dropping his nap for good - he didn't though and napped on until he was three.

I'm sorry I can't remember if you said ds or dd (and am on phone so can't check) but does anything settle your little one? If they get hyper if you're there and cry if you're not is there anything that works? It's so hard when you've got another to get into bed too isn't it as no one has a nice calm bedtime then do they! Ds1 is either put out because he has to go to bed first, or has to endure some choice background noise through his story if ds2 goes to bed first. Poor ds1!

Hopefully both of our littlies settle down again soon!

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Original poster

Biscuitsandtea · 07/08/2013 19:47

Ow ow ow! Numb bum from sitting on the floor. It would be fair to say my arse is not a fan of gradual retreat......

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Cakebaker35 · 07/08/2013 20:48

Glad you're giving it a go OP, sorry about the numb bum though hopefully though you won't be doing it for long, this approach has really worked for me and several Mums I know. Stick with it for a week, but it will probably not take that long. Good luck!

suchanamateur sorry you are having a rubbish time too. I remember the 18 mo nonsense and it really isn't fun. For what it's worth, someone in my NCT group had a similar thing happen, she took a rapid return type approach and went back in the room, lay her DS back down, gave a gentle sssh and left again. Said she did this over 30 times one night! Then apparently it was about half that on the 2nd night then never had to do it again! Exhausting but maybe worth a go if you're at the end of your tether and can't face leaving your DD to cry.

NancyinCali · 08/08/2013 01:38

We're having similar issues with my almost 16mo (maybe she's regressing early!). So we're also doing gradual retreat. She needs more help for her nap than for bedtime it seems. She used to go down really easily. Hopefully this too shall pass .

Suchanamateur · 09/08/2013 12:44

Hows it going Biscuits? and Nancy? I've had some luck with pushing out the amount of time she's awake after her nap - at least she's going down a lot quicker (although there was a fair bit of protest for the first few days, the last couple have been quicker). But then she's a shit napper, and an early waker, so I think she's just fucking exhausted. As am I....!

Original poster

Biscuitsandtea · 09/08/2013 20:03

Not too had here thanks - I'm currently half way out of the door so he can still see a bit of me. Guess the next challenge will be when he can't really see me - if I go much further it will be that crunch point between seeing me / not seeing me so we'll see what happens.... I'm hopeful he might be fooled by leaving the door open and if he wants the door open to go to sleep that's a lot better than needing me there! I guess I can do a similar gradual thing to get him used to just shutting the door maybe but if that doesn't work I wouldn't be so bothered iyswim.

Glad to hear you're making some progress too though, although boo to bad napping - that's no fun is it :(

Hope all these babies realise soon that we have better stuff to be doing than getting them to sleep!

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hinkyhonk · 09/08/2013 20:15

Just coming on to post about exactly the same thing!

Desperate for food so will pop back later.

Cakebaker35 · 09/08/2013 20:37

Glad it's going ok OP and well done fr sticking with it. don't worry too much about shutting the door, my DS sleeps with the door slightly open ,it took me a while to realise it was the closing door bit that made her kick off! Plus as she is used to sleeping with a bit if background noise from the house it means she sleeps much better when we go away etc as is not used to total silence.

CreatureRetorts · 09/08/2013 20:42

I didn't bother with gradual retreat - just left with a firm good night and gave them a few minutes to self settle. If dd (or ds) got upset I'd go back in. After a few nights, I could leave them happily.

Original poster

Biscuitsandtea · 10/08/2013 19:50

Just left ds2 with the door open tonight but without him being able to see me - so far so good....

Creature - that always worked with ds1 but sadly not so with ds2 - he just explodes and whilst I can put up with some amount of grumbling I couldn't leave him properly going mad!

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Original poster

Biscuitsandtea · 10/08/2013 20:14

Hmmm, ok so he never settled and I've had to go and take up the half-in-half-out position.

Still, funny day with not much napping as we went to Cadbury world so maybe he is in the 'overtired' camp?

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NancyinCali · 10/08/2013 21:21

Sorry keep forgetting to check back on MN. We're doing okay here. She needs a lot more help for naps than she does for bedtime still. I've started leaving straight away for bedtime and giving her 5 mins to see if she'll settle before going in if necessary. Naps I have to stay until she's asleep still.
She's got a habit of pooing when she gets upset so I nearly always have to change her when I go back in. I half wonder if it's deliberate as she knows I'll pick her up if she poos but surely she can't control it yet (at 16 months)?
Last night she woke up in the night for the first time in ages. No poo, no obvious reason for it so maybe a nightmare. Took about an hour to get her back to sleep.

Original poster

Biscuitsandtea · 12/08/2013 20:17

Second night running I've left ds2 with the door open and he's eventually dropped off to sleep without any real grumbling / any intervention required....

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hinkyhonk · 13/08/2013 09:45

DS2 is 19m and has been a nightmare to get to sleep and waking really early for the last few weeks after being really good at self settling and sleeping through. Pretty sure its related to us moving house recently as the big one has been up every night for ages too

I've been doing gradual retreat for the last week or so and managed to get practically out of the door but he is still up way too early. so not sure what i'm going to do about that.

but yes gradual retreat has worked really well for us as the time we left him to work it out he cried for over an hour and it was just unpleasant all round.

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